Be your own best partner
I heard that Emma Watson is turning 30 and is happily single — referring to herself as “self-partnered.”
What does she actually mean by that? I don’t know. I haven’t looked into it. But it got me thinking about what that could mean, whether you’re single or not.
So many of us get into relationships to feel good. We look to our partners to make us feel valuable, attractive, worthy of attention. We latch on because they reduce our sense of loneliness and help us ignore the pains that sit in the back of our minds and deep in our hearts.
But an ideal partner wouldn’t be that for us. An ideal partner would help us grow.
They wouldn’t help us ignore the pain we feel, letting us go through life without looking inward and facing our inner torments. They’d encourage us to do so, and support us, and help to soothe us when it starts to feel like too much.
The ideal partner would not be a conspirator in our own self-destruction.
They wouldn’t sit idly by — and even encourage us — as we neglect our health, our work, or our values.
And if our ideal partner wouldn’t do that, why would let ourselves do that?
When I heard about Emma Watson’s “self partnering,” it made me wonder what kind of partner I am to myself.
Do I encourage myself to face my inner demons, and grow from them?
Do I affirm to myself that I am valuable, attractive, and worthy of life and love?
Do I accept the emotions that I experience? Or do I ignore them, get annoyed by them, or shame myself for them?
Do I take care of myself?
Do you?
The last few days I’ve been staying up past midnight and eating a lot junk food. I can tell that I’m worked up or anxious about something. But instead of making choices to soothe myself, reflect on what I’m feeling, and tend to my health, I deprive myself of sleep and stuff myself with carbs and sweets.
Is this the kind of behavior I’d want my girlfriend to encourage in me? If not, than why am I encouraging it in myself? Why am I not intervening on my own behalf?
When it comes down to it, it’s no one else’s responsibility to take care of myself. No one else is responsible for loving me, except me.
I can go through life looking for other people to do that stuff for me, or I can learn to be my own best friend, my own partner, my own source of unconditional love and esteem.
Self love doesn’t mean letting yourself go. Nor is it about being your own taskmaster and demanding perfection from yourself.
To love yourself is to think and feel whatever comes up. You can’t deny or dismiss your own reality.
But from there, you don’t have to let yourself lapse into whatever behavior “feels good.” You can — and you should — have standards for yourself. And once you’ve acknowledged how you feel, you should do everything you can to help yourself to behave according to those standards.
For me, right now, this means getting enough sleep and eating healthy.
What does it mean for you?