Asking for what I need even when it hurts
I’m lonely today.
It’s beautiful out, but I’m lonely.
I woke up at 11:50am. The original plan was to catch a 7:45am flight to visit my girlfriend for the weekend. It’s Saturday, by the way.
We spoke on the phone for several hours last night, and it turned into a fight. Hmm. A fight? Maybe “argument” is a better word.
We got through it, though. We cooled off. But by the end both of us decided it would be better for me to stay here for the weekend.
That might sound like a punishment. Or maybe it sounds like a couple distancing themselves from each other after a big fight, out of anger. Like, “Get out of here! I don’t even want to look at you right now!”
But it’s not like that. The argument was actually about — at least in part — my need for space.
The past two weeks have been brutal for me emotionally. I travelled for work twice, and on both trips experienced massive — and I mean MASSIVE — bouts of insecurity and shame (which I’ll talk about more another time).
These experiences happened during my work trips, so I had no real time for myself. I’d have an evening where I felt so much insecurity and shame that it morphed into depression… and then I’d try to squeeze in a night of sleep… then get up and have breakfast, then go to work, with the very same people who triggered my shame and depression the night before.
I’m a sensitive guy. That kind of experience takes me a while to process. Problem was, I didn’t get any time to do that. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner were spent with the people who triggered my shame and depression. As were walks to and from the hotel, Uber rides, and plane rides. It was go, go, go.
I couldn’t really talk about how I was feeling (these were colleagues, after all). And I couldn’t really get away with not talking to them at all. So I had to keep smiling, keep chatting, and do my best to act “normal.”
In other words, I stuffed my feelings.
Then on the weekends, I hung out with my girlfriend (which involved even more travel). I love spending time with her. But when we are together, I don’t really get a chance to fully unwind and process stuff emotionally. So all my feelings from during the week stayed stuffed.
And that only made me more sensitive and irritable, understandably. So our weekends together were punctuated with nasty arguments.
Lots of anger, guilt, and shame boiled up and built up inside me. And even though we made up after these fights — excuse me, “arguments — I still never got a chance to process any of the emotions I was experiencing.
So I had two straight weeks of that. I had maybe one night to myself the whole time. Only just this past week have I been back full time, with no traveling to do, and free to spend evenings as I please.
And it’s been wonderful, and I’ve slowly began to unwind and process everything from the two weeks before. But keyword here is begun. I’ve hardly gotten to everything. I need more time and space.
Cue last night’s argument. I was caught between wanting — I’ll say needing — more time for myself and wanting to see her. But she thought this past week has been plenty of time to recollect myself, and was feeling hurt by may lack of communication and loving attention over the last 5 days.
In the face of that hurt, I felt really guilty. I almost couldn’t bring myself to say I needed more time — that taking this weekend for myself actually seemed like a good idea. I feared I would hurt her, and by not visiting, not give her what she needs.
I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately, ever since I started reading Pia Mellody. Thinking about where I have weak (or no) boundaries, where I use walls for boundaries, and where — if anywhere — I exercise healthy, flexible ones.
Last night’s argument is a perfect example of trying to set boundaries, and the wild emotions that come with doing so.
What I was trying to say last night was essentially this…
“Look, I’ve been through an emotional rollercoaster for the past few weeks, and I need to take some time for myself so that I can process everything that I’ve been thinking and feeling. I want to spend the weekend together, but if I don’t take this time for myself, I’ll get more sensitive, more irritable, more angry. And it will be very hard to have a nice enjoyable time together the next time we talk or visit. I really need this.”
So that’s what I’m doing. And it feels good. But I’m lonely. I miss her.
Now, I’m only just beginning to learn you how to set boundaries. And I’m not claiming to have done it anywhere near perfectly. Clearly I didn’t, since letting my girlfriend know what I need brought up so much guilt shame, anger, fear and pain.
But I think I’ve done a better job than in the past.
I could have exercised either no boundaries (by saying nothing about my needs and visiting her this weekend according to plan).
And I could have put up walls and shut her out (hanging up on her and not taking the time to talk it through, or threatening to — or even just thinking about — breaking up because “she can’t give me what I need”).
I’ve done both in the past, so all considered, I think this time I struck a good balance.
But I should mention one last thing. She played an enormous role in this. I didn’t just do a better job here setting boundaries. It took both of us. I need to giver her her due credit. She is incredibly understanding. And it wouldn’t have worked out like this is she wasn’t.
Relationships take two, after all.