On Rage and Heartbreak
A Double Coincidence of Wants: A Newsletter Journal
On Rage and Heartbreak
This fall, a little less than two weeks before my birthday amidst the constant burning of our world (the incessant processing of the grief and after-effects of the pandemic, war, conflict, and broken and collapsing infrastructures) someone I once deeply admired used the word "heartbreaking." This individual shared, publicly, that they had made a decision that broke their heart. Yet what does it mean, when the person using a word with such weight and gravity is the same individual that has been disrespectful, callous, and dismissive to my work and the work of people I have collaborated with for many years? Am I not allowed heartbreak? Am I not allowed to defend myself?
I was enraged.
Heartbreaking? It reminded me of the when I found myself in abusive relationships. Gaslit and vulnerable. While it's been a few months, it will take time to heal from the hurt I felt that could have been easily remedied by conversation and deep listening. But I have been doing my best to understand what it means when people remind me that "hurt people hurt people." I have tried my best to empathize and put myself in the shoes of this heartbroken individual who hurt me. Their behavior reminded me that I must continue to let people in and allow (and make space) for community members to help and support me especially when I need it the most. I refuse to envision a future for myself and those around me where I become overly engrossed in my ideas and logic(s). Or, my way of doing things. I was reminded that the only way for me to grow was to learn how to...let go. I will always have respect for the work of this individual, but I have a deep sadness at how they went against the values and community they said they were trying to build.
When you think it’s time to come up for air, go deeper. When you think your heart will break, stay there, stay with it. But at the same time, when you think you gotta hold onto something (like who you think you are), let go.
- Alexis Pauline Gumbs
Trust me, I have felt rageful, angry, and hopeless while simultaneously experiencing joy and relief this past year. A friend once reminded me, that for every joy, there is a sorrow that accompanies it. I will never forget submitting the final draft of my dissertation only for my partner and I to find out, the next day, that they had been diagnosed with cancer. My heart sank and it was the first time in years, I prayed and cursed the universe. I remember thinking I would give up my degree and everything I worked for (or whatever the universe wanted) just to have my partner's health. I started to wonder, what was this all for and who cares? What have I done? What could I do? For the past six months, my partner went through an aggressive form of chemotherapy and radiation while I served as their caregiver and started a new teaching job...while I still saw myself as a grad student still learning, still growing.
I was/am tired. I was/am exhausted.
My mother tells me to think positively (all.the.time). While I love my mom with all of my being and everything in me...this is where we differ. Anger, for me, has been a catalyst, but it lies beneath the surface and it is an emotion that few people get to witness. But if I have learned anything, especially this past year, my anger has deeply guided me to understand that what I feel is derived from some deep feeling of injustice (big and small, minor and major) and serves as a type of armor and protection. Yet the greatest lesson I learned about the relationship between anger and care this past year was from artist Ocean Vuong (during his conversation with Mike Mills), he mentioned that "care is anger improved" and I've been sitting with this (and so much more) since that night. In any case, there are highlights from the year ⬇️
The Sweet and Tender Moments...
from the past year reminded me of what it's all for...Feel free to read on, if you like. This is the part my mom would like the best. 🥰 Also, this list is more for me as a way to reflect (outwardly and publicly) because I'm not the greatest at sharing or celebrating.
January: Attending a 911 telecommunicators training (virtual) focused on Disability Awareness (as a part of my field research) // Presenting my academic research and creative practice to a group of Seoul National University exchange students as a UCSC Science and Justice graduate fellow
February: Celebrating Rick Prelinger's birthday at the Prelinger Library & Archives with my partner // Seeing one of my favorite musicians, Nick Hakim, perform live at The Regency in San Francisco // Meeting my partner's parents for the first time!
March: An incredible and transformative artist residency at the Frank-Ratchye STUDIO for Creative Inquiry at Carnegie Mellon University // Co-facilitating a workshop on docu-poetics alongside creator and founder of Looking Glass, Adrian Jones, at the Kelly Strayhorn Theater // Presenting my work as a visiting scholar and artist at Duolingo while I was in Pittsburgh
April: Attending and seeing my partner present their academic research and work at the Society for Cinema and Media Studies conference // Attending the first COSA conference and seeing open source software creators and contributors at the University of Denver // Seeing Lauren perform Surrogate at Stanford University as a part of her HCI residency
May: Presented my work at Spoken Web Conference // Longtime friend and collaborator (one of the people I make epic things with), Xiaowei Wang's graduation // Successfully passed by dissertation defense (and you can read it, NO obligation to do that, of course, by clicking here) ‼️
June: An unforgettable lunch and catch up with the one and only Dr. Allyson Tintiangco-Cubales // Attended a City Arts and Lecture conversation between Mike Mills and Ocean Vuong with my partner // Walking across the stage at UCSC commencement with my brilliant and beautiful partner, Abram Stern // Watching the final project presentations of the Year 2 Collective Action School participants
July: Meeting the healthcare team that would be taking care of my partner throughout their chemo treatments // Witnessing family (bio and chosen) step up and support me and my partner // Having a wonderful conversation with three incredible scholars as I stepped into my Visiting Assistant Professor (VAP) appointment at the University of California, Santa Cruz with the Everett Program for Technology and Social Change
August: Hung out with the wonderful artist and educator Eddo Stern // A much-needed trip (special thanks to my mom!) to a hot springs resort with my partner // Meeting and attending a dinner for artist Jen Liu (her work is so so SO damn good ~ special thanks to Xiaowei for all of the epic adventures)
September: Meeting the Everett Program Executive Fellows and Program Fellows
October: Starting my VAP appointment // Visiting Crocker Museum to see Bay Area-based artist Alex Reben's solo exhibition and meeting a fellow writing group member and friend, Tyler Shoemaker, for the first time
November: Officially joined Gray Area's Board of Directors // Attended (and wrote about) Mud Water IV created, written, and directed by artist and choreographer, My-Linh Le // In conversation with Anuradha Vikram, author of Use Me At Your Own Risk at the Et Al Gallery and Bookshop
December: Partner's last chemo session and, most importantly, celebrating their birthday // The Processing Foundation 2023 Impact Report is published, a testament to all of the amazing work done by an incredible team. // My students' final project showcase presentations // Watching Sara Porkalob's musical theater production, Dragon Lady
Whoa...you're still here? Well, since you decided to stick around, I'll share with you what I'm reading 📚 and if you don't mind taking a teeny tiny poll, feel free to share your answer.
All the best to you,
Dorothy
Sent from an alternate dimension filled with zeros and ones