our little road with never a crossroad in sight
dear friends,
I was talking to a friend this week and mentioned that I have this newsletter I write, and she checked it out and then told me "it's got to be so helpful for mental health, putting out a lovely personal piece of yourself like this." And she was absolutely right, although I'd never thought about it in those terms before. It has been helpful, and not having a routine with writing time built into it this past year has been a struggle. I'm trying to make that work in earnest now. Let's hope it sticks.
The whole reason the newsletter came up in that conversation was because it inspired today's rant. Essay? The bit of the thing where I shout. My friend and I were talking about Draco Malfoy, as she's recently gotten into Harry/Draco fic, and as you know that's a place where I've lived for a few years now. The thing of it is, I find villains boring. I like them as far as providing a necessary foil to a hero, or the role they can play in a narrative. I think Kylo Ren is an excellent villain, but I don't think he's cute or want to see him redeemed or kissing anybody. Thanks. While the Harry Potter books were coming out, I didn't care about Draco Malfoy. I appreciated the role he played in the books, but I wasn't interested in him as a person. I thought people shipping Harry and Draco were out of their minds.
My interest in Draco, and in Harry Potter fic really in general, didn’t hit me until I was in my 30s. And the thing that hooked me was the idea of Draco and Harry as adults, long past the easy good and evil dichotomy of childhood, dealing with the ongoing consequences of a war they were at the center of while still very young. None of this is canon, mind you, mostly because I prefer to pretend that the Deathly Hallows epilogue and the entirely of The Cursed Child never happened, but there are some very good writers doing very good Draco character studies in fic, and the ones that I love the most depict someone who is well aware that the choice he made at the age of 17–erring on the side of his parents’ wishes and maintaining the status quo of the only life he’d ever known–was incredibly wrong and doing his damnedest to remake his life as a form of penance for it, while also being the person he is: snide, and prideful, and absolutely a snob.
And so, while I was yammering at my friend about my Draco Malfoy emotions, I was struct by what is, in retrospect, extremely obvious:
Dorian, my best friend in Dragon Age: Inquisition, is also an upper class man who has walked away from a background built on toxic systems and is attempting to atone for his previous compliance in them but cannot quite abandon his love for his home and his belief that it’s not beyond reform.
And I realized that at the heart of my love for these characters and others like them is my own relationship with my southern upper crust family who benefited wholly off of the systems of oppression put in place to keep people of color down. As a white person in America, I am still benefiting off of those systems. The ability to feel affection for elements of oppressive systems is itself a privilege, as Dorian or Draco or I could tell you.
In conclusion: Back to Before from Ragtime, my favourite song from my favourite musical, and one about which I once texted my friend Dolly “DID YOU KNOW THIS SONG WAS ABOUT THE MALFOYS”
Dog Thing
Mixed Media
A Good Album: my friend introduced me to Black Belt Eagle Scout, and I love her album Mother of My Children. An album about grief and vulnerability, it’s got a chill sound that I find easy to get lost in. I’ve also been revisiting Begin to Hope by Regina Spektor, one of those rare albums that I love backwards and forwards and will never tire of.
A Good Fic: Supernova by Stratisphyre. I’m still on my Iron Bull/Dorian bullshit, and am delighted to report that there exists a very good Mass Effect fusion fic, and it’s this one. I got a big kick out of the fact that this fic takes place 100 years after the end of Mass Effect 3, and does not hold back in imagining what the universe might look like at that point.
A Good Series: my friend Aïcha was moving away last weekend, and so I did the only logical thing with the last day we had together: held her hostage and forced her to watch all 6 hours of the BBC Pride & Prejudice mini-series. It had been years since the last time I watched it, and it holds up!
A Good Movie: I watched Pride & Prejudice (2005), mostly because I saw this post. I do love the mini-series but must confess that I love the 2005 film just a little more. So much repressed longing. Since Jupiter Ascending is on netflix now, I watched Jupiter Ascending and it is as glorious and ridiculous as I remembered. Finally, I watched The Last Jedi. I still love it, and it made me both excited and sad to think that we’re approaching the last movie in the trilogy. Excited, because obviously, and sad, because this will likely be the end of Star Wars for me. Not that I plan on walking away from the franchise forever (I do still sleep on Star Wars sheets), but because between exhaustion from overexposure and a general distrust of Disney, I doubt I’ll find myself so wholly over-the-moon in love with a Star Wars film or trilogy again. Which is fine! I have truly loved this trilogy, and these characters, and I would not trade the films or experience for anything. I have high hopes for the last one, but even if it isn’t everything I want, I’m still happy.
Lastly
This video essay about Josie and the Pussycats the movie made me cry actual tears from emotion and I highly recommend it. The thesis, which is “is you love a movie then it is good,” is one that I am 100% behind.
xoxo
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