i want my mouth to make the shapes your mouth makes
Hi! Yes, I know I it's only been a week since my last missive. I'm keeping you on your toes.
I had an odd reaction to a movie this week. I watched The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society on Netflix, and became obsessed with the way the two protagonists dressed, to the point where I immediately attempted to recreate a facsimile of both of their appearances at the same time using my existing wardrobe.
Wanting to look how a certain character looks isn’t unusual for me–I memorably spent several months in 1999 attempting to pray my boobs away so that I could rock the bra-less spaghetti-strap looks worn by Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You (I’d still like to pray my boobs away, but for different reasons). But that was because I wanted to be Kat Stratford, a goal which was obviously unattainable even if wearing her clothing was not. Other people I have tried to be via their clothing: Lizzie Bennet, Alex Mack, Clarissa Darling, Kathleen Kelly. But it’s always been about the people–and always the obsession circled a single character–rather than the aesthetic. Guernsey (or The Potato Movie, as it has come to be known in our house) was different.
This time, it was about aesthetics. Aesthetics, and what they said about me. I’ve never been a very femme person, I’ve always valued comfort over beauty. Moreover, I find clothes shopping stressful, so a few years ago I settled on sweatshirts and leggings–both black, if possible–as my core look, and I haven’t budged much from there. I’ve never been interested in heavily masculine looks, mainly because I associate them with suits. Suits may look great on some people, but they’re all about structure and that’s a big no for me. Dawsey Adams in loose trousers and a fisherman sweater was something of a revelation. Masculine, comfortable, far from the easy void of a sweatshirt. Juliet Ashton in loose trousers, wide belt, and a delicate feminine blouse knocked me even further back.
“I can wear perfume without wearing make-up,” I texted my roommate in the middle of a Thursday. “…Yes?” she responded. They’ve been slotted together in my mind under the “femme” heading for so long that it never occurred to me to separate them out. Maybe it should have been obvious, that there were avenues to androgynous, agender dressing other than attempting to appear as a soft void (a look I’m still fond of, to be clear), but it took me until I was 30 to put together that I was queer–I’ve always been a bit slow.
So, another step down the gender path. (Several people reached out to me regarding my preferred pronouns after I changed my name, which I hugely appreciated. My answer then and now was the same: they haven’t changed. However, that’s less because I feel any strong attachment to she/her and more that I prefer them to the alternatives. There isn’t a word for what I feel I am, and that’s fine. I don’t need one.)
Dog Thing
Mixed Media
A Good Movie: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Personal revelations aside, it’s a great film. Beautiful, thoughtful, romance is invented on your screen right in front of you. (I also read the book, which is an epistolary novel–composed of letters! I adored it.)
A Good Book: All Systems Red by Martha Wells. Have I mentioned this already? I’m sure I have. I reread this, the first volume in the Murderbot Diaries, for novella club (like it sounds: a book club in which we read novellas), and I am so glad I did. Seeing how far Murderbot travels, how much it grows, over the course of the 4 novellas is incredible. If you’re still sleeping on this incredible series, please wake up!
A Good TV Show: Mob Psycho 100 II. I’ve been watching the second season of Mob Psycho 100 as it airs, which is excruciating. It’s so good, and waiting a week between episodes is terrible! Such a weird, emotional, funny show.
A Good Fic: forty years in the wilderness (and the following holiday weekend) by sunsmasher. This Ace Attorney fic describes the events of the weekend after Miles Edgeworth moves back to California. I adore it. It’s funny, and wrenching, and fits Miles and Phoenix perfectly. I’ve read it several times.
Lastly
Have you ever seen a curled-up pangolin from the front? Prepare to have your life changed.
