Identity and My Debut Novel
The Chimes of the Failed
Hey, so thank you for giving this newsletter a chance! I don’t wanna get into the whole spiel I’m sure many authors get into for their first email — “I wasn’t sure what to write about,” “I’m gonna give this a shot,” etc. I actually had ideas for what to prattle on about for this, but I wasn’t sure how to organize my thoughts.
When I started what will become my debut novel, Firewind’s Accord — which I’m aiming to have out November 8th — I knew Jordan, my male MC, was straight, and I knew that Tyrlok, my female MC, was pansexual. In fact, I knew most of the people of her nation were. I had set out to make a whole planet of people that were queernormative and polynormative. Straight and monogamous Fandorell, Taruk, and Gurt were considered the anomalies — accepted anomalies, but anomalies all the same. It’s the kind of world I would love to live in. This felt right to me.
Yet Jordan didn’t.
Now, I feel like I need to get something out of the way: I don’t do self-inserts. I’m sure many authors claim this, but this is a strict code I live by. For one, I always felt icky reading works containing what is likely the author’s most idealized vision of themself. For two, I feel like when a self-insert is done, it runs the risk of tainting the narrative for the sake of the author’s narcissism. So for me, I refuse to write self-inserts to both protect both the reader and the work from my ego.
However, there are bits of my own experience in many of my characters. For example, early on in Firewind’s Accord, we learn Tyrlok struggles with combat-related PTSD and survivor’s guilt. Truth be told, I’m a veteran and struggle with both as well. In the case of Jordan, he deals with major depressive disorder, something I have dealt with for the majority of my life now. Tyrlok now lives as an immigrant in the US. I lived as an immigrant in the Philippines for seven years, and for another four years in Japan. However, I am fully aware of my privileged status as an immigrant from the US compared to the plight of many immigrants trying to live a safe, hate-crime-free life here.
But that’s where the similarities stopped for me. And it bothered me for some reason. I went through revisions of the opening chapters with a writers group, two full rewrites, and a full-blown manuscript revision with the help of a wonderful editor. It was after that I realized Jordan still felt off, almost alien in a way. Nothing else about the plot or any of the other characters. Just him. There was some other experience I wasn’t tapping into.
When I realized what it was, I went back and forth on it for weeks. If I make this change, will he just become a self-insert? Is it wrong for him to be like me in just one more way? Will making this one change shift the tone of the work from a dark, sometimes-funny, romantic story to just my own personal fantasy?
And then I ultimately decided, “Fuck it. Representation matters more. Jordan’s bi.”
Now, his experience of slamming himself firmly in the closet and performing years of mental gymnastics to convince himself he was hetero? Very similar to my own. But the impetus for all of it was VERY different. And I’ll just leave it at that.
Anyways, in case you missed it on my Bluesky account (@djstu.art, by the way), I just dropped the cover reveal for Firewind’s Accord!
I’m proud of this work, and I’m hoping it will do well, since I’m already plotting a potential sequel!
Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll end up writing a sequel regardless. I’m doing this for me, not for the money. Although money would be nice. Just putting that out there.
Also, if you’re reading this in the archive, maybe give this a subscribe, why don’t you? It’s free and easy, and it’ll bring a small bit of joy to this queer man’s life!
Regards,
David J. Stuart