Tuesday Golden Girls recap
Season 1, Episode 3: "Rose the Prude", as Reviewed By An Extra on the Set of the "Entourage" Movie
[This a reminder that this was originally written in 2013 when Entourage was still er, relevant.]
I have some time to kill while I stand in 20 degree weather in my bikini. The gaffer keeps hosing us down with rum from a garden hose in hope to keep us warm. They are so nice here! I'm so lucky to be in the set. I mean, I can't expect top get my own trailer like Vinnie Chase on day one, right? I mean the part of “Turtle's Club Slut” is just a starting point. Have I mentioned I graduated from Tisch?
Speaking of starting point, Dorothy is playing cards with Sophia in the biggest nightgown I have ever seen. I mean, it could fit me and the entire craft services table in it (which I'm not eating, natch). Blanche tries to convince Dorothy to go on a double date with her, but Dorothy refuses. Blanche tries to ask Rose, who agrees reluctantly. Rose is annoyed because she's given up on dating because she is tired of not having a good time.
Oh sorry...I'm back now. Had to do a nipple screen shot test in the hot tub. The assistant director said that Mark Wahlberg always requires that. Anyway, Rose and Blanche come back from the date, and Rose had a great time while Blanche got stuck with a guy who talked about his prostate. What a missed opportunity for Sophia to quip: “No winder you were bored, you've seen your way around hundreds of prostates!” but alas it wasn't. Too bad I wasn't writing on this show. I have a theater degree from Tisch, so I know good writing. But here I am...making it big...appearing on an HBO show....which is being held up because Johnny Drama needs someone to separate the different color M&Ms from each other.
Arnie. Rose's guy, asked her to go on a cruise with him, but is nervous because that means they may have to have sex. I can't believe these women are so squeamish around sex. One of the actors (I won't say who, but it rhymes with Padrian Fenier) had sex with an extra on top of the camera crane. When he was done, he yelled “method acting OOOOO YEAAAAA!” but I digress. Rose is in the cruise ship room with Arnie, who has killer eyebrows, I wonder where he gets them threaded? Rose gets nervous and locks herself in the bathroom. That is literally how my audition for this part went.
Rose is in the bathroom all night until Arnie coaxes her out, and tells her about how he never thought he's get over his late wife, but now he knows she would have wanted him to find happiness, and how he still honors her memory, and it's such a touching, real moment and....oh wait, hold on, I have to do some screen tests to see if I need to touch up my Brazilian wax job. Wow, I am so lucky for this free trip to this backyard in Van Nuys that is doubling as Vinnie Chase's beach house!
Back at the house, the girls are up worrying about Rose and her sex cruise. Blanche's first time having sex after her husband's death was with the reverend presiding over the funeral, who kept his socks on. Dorothy did it with her divorce lawyer Sophia's husband kept his pants on during sex. Oh, I love these girl talks about sex! Usually when I talk like this with my girlfriends we talk about which of our guys has a development deal with Warner Bros.
Okay, they are calling places! I wonder when this will air, and if they'll show my face in the final cut. My fellow Tisch alum will be so jealous.
The Goldies:
Fasion award goes to Dorothy's nightgown, which I believe is in the style of a baseball uniform?
Best physical comedy: Rose looks at herself in the mirror while leaning over and freaks out.
Mandatory Blanche Likes the C*ck moment: Dorothy tells her “not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port.”
Best moment: Rose won’t admit if she had sex or not on the cruise, and leaves to go unpack. The girls tell her if she appears back in the doorway they’ll know she did it…which she does, sheepishly, and they have this reaction:
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What to look forward to:
Academia shenanigans
More Showgirls, the novelization
Recommendations of culture to consume at home
Various recaps
Possibly some fiction…?