Season 2, Episode 5: "Isn't It Romantic?", as Reviewed By a Football Coach At a School Assembly
Okay, settle down kids, this isn’t a chance for you to goof off during fourth period, we have some serious stuff to talk about. To get down with. To rap about. Thompson, put that ipad away and focus up here! This isn’t the time to play Candy Crusher or send pictures of your genitals to each other through snapface, or whatever it is you do.
We’re here to talk about people who are special. No, not THAT kind of special. Special like, they have a special kind of love. You see kids, I, uh,....how can I put this….GAY. We’re talking about gay people. Yea, yea, laugh, you think it’s funny. Not so funny if you couldn’t get married when you want to or don’t know what department to shop in at Sears. Heh, heh…oh wait, I am getting word from Principal Mickens to strike that last comment…didn’t happen. Instant reply. Back up. Huddle up. Okay, kids, we’re going to watch an episode of Golden Girls…I know you don’t know what that is, it was before you were born, just a nice sitcom about some funny old ladies, it’s nothing like Breaking of Thrones or The Walking Bad or whatever crap is currently rotting your brains.
Names also used in the “It’s Pat!” SNL sketch of the nineties. Coincidence?
Yea so uh, the tall old lady has a friend that is visiting. Jean is also a man’s name and a broad’s name. hah! That’s clever. The udda ladies don’t know it. There’s surprised but still accept her. That’s great. We should all act as such. Dorsey, I am not gonna say it twice! Get your rear end in the seat and stop making those obscene gestures!
So yea, uh, Jean and the udda broad, the dumb one, hang out a lot. And Jean starts to like her. I don’t think Rose notices until later that night when they go to bed.
No, no, these aren’t the gays ones, that’s her mutha! I know they are sleeping in the same bed, I don’t know why…it’s…ah…uh…just somethin’ old people do. Why?…I don’t know, can we just get through this assembly? No further question? Good, so– ahh, what Melissa? huh? Why is Jean’s hair like that? I don’t know, maybe it’s a lesbian thing to have bad hair. Usually the one’s I’ve seen have long hair extensions. And usually wearing high heels.
Yea, so uh, the southern broad is upset that Jean doesn’t like her, since she thinks she’s attractive. See, kids, gay people aren’t crazy nymphos….settle DOWN!....they like only certain people they are attracted to, like the rest of us. And for some reason, this Jean is attracted to older women who wear teddy bears on their sweatshirt.
And uh, it’s okay that this other broad doesn’t like her. It’s okay. You can be straight, gay, white, black, purple, orange, polka-datted… I don’t care, as long as you care about beatin’ East Township next week. GO TITANS!
Okay, settle down. Settle down. McNaltey, why do you keep holding up those scissors? Put those away, you look like an idiot. So I’ve technically fulfilled my end of the deal that I made with Principal Mickens, where I would talk about the gays if he would forget the cameras the team jokesters put in the girls locker room. ALLEGEDLY. ALLEGED-LY.
