Everything sucks, here's a dumb sketch I wrote.
So everything is terrible and I don’t how much more stress my poor stomach can handle. There’s a lot of academic shenanigans going on, but instead of Tenure Tales of Terror, I’ll share a weird sketch I write a few years ago. Always eager to appeal to the most amount of people, this is based on the cult Japanese film Battle Royale. (Explicit content ahead, duh.)
The Murder Games
SYNOPSIS
An evil mastermind has kidnapped a class of pre-teens to force them into a Hunger Games/Battle Royale type games, but the students don’t take it seriously.
CHARACTERS
CAPTOR: Evil mastermind, acts like a typical crazy supervillain, secretly insecure, wears a military-esque uniform, can be any gender
CLAUDIA: student in the class, know-it-all, suck-up
DREW, douchebag jock, wiseguy
PETER, nerdy and shy
CHRISTY, bitchy popular girl
CHARLOTTE, bitchy popular girl
VARIOUS OTHER CLASSMATES
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Setting: in a classroom. The CAPTOR stands in front of the schoolchildren, all about fourteen, huddled in fear in front of him. The school children wear uniforms, and some are ripped and some have some surface injuries. They have burlap sacks over their faces. The lights come on.
CAPTOR
Awaken and see what your fate has become!
The children take off their burlap sacks and look around, confused, while the CAPTOR evilly smiles.
CLAUDIA
Where are we? Where’s Madame Saperstein? [Other general murmurs of surprise]
CAPTOR
Welcome children! Welcome to The Murder Games!
DREW
Alright a substitute! (The rest of the class cheers.)
CAPTOR
No, I’m not a substitute! I’m not a teacher! I’m not your friend! I am your worst nightmare! (The children ignore him.)
CHARLOTTE
Hey sub? I just want to let you know that Madame Saperstein never assigns homework on Tuesdays. And….(she looks around mischievously) she lets us say “fuck” in class. [Giggles and proud of herself.]
PETER
Yea, and we always work in pairs in this class. It’s required. [He walks over to CHRISTY and puts his arm around her.]
CHRISTY
Ew, get off of me! (acts like a screechy teenager, makes a big deal, but secretly enjoys the attention. PETER continues to tease her.)
CHARLOTTE
Give me a goddamn break Christy. You cut out a picture of Peter’s head and put it on your dildo.
CHRISTY
Shut up fuckbreath!
CLAUDIA (raises her hand)
Mr., um, substitute? What’s a dildo?
CAPTOR
I am not a substitute. You are not in French class. I’m not teaching you about dildos. Your class has been chosen to participate in the most advanced, most important social experiment in the world. How will a group react when they are forced to murder one another to save their own lives? This will finally show society how it has become nothing but maggots infesting our precious earth.
CLAUDIA [raising her hand]
Is this going to be on the test?
The rest of the class groans.
CHRISTY
You’ll have to excuse Claudia. She was voted Most Likely to Be Found Dead in Her Home for Two Years Before Anyone Even Notices the Smell of Her Rotting Corpse. [CLAUDIA gives her the finger.]
CAPTOR
No, there is no test! Don’t you get it? You’re all my hostages! And you have to murder each other to get out alive. Last one standing is the winner!
PETER
Are peanuts going to be involved? I can’t be in the same room with peanuts. No one is allowed to even bring anything that touched peanuts in their lunch. There’s a note on file with the nurse-
CAPTOR
Peanuts? That will be the least of your problems when one of your classmates murder you with this sickle ! [He hands a sickle to one student and knife to another.]
CHARLOTTE
Hey Sub? Do we get to choose which sharp thing we get? Because I don’t think it’s fair that Thomas gets the bigger weapon because he got to get out of class with the excuse of “working on the video yearbook” when everyone knew he was just picking his nose behind the AV room.
CAPTOR
I don’t give a fuck about who gets what. There is no justice system here. There is no justice. There is no system. Just murder. Murdering each other. Don’t you get it? This is happening….and I’m not a goddamn substitute teacher!....I have an MBA for god’s sake.
PETER
From where?
CAPTOR
University of Arizona. I couldn’t get into Wharton, but I think it was fine because U of A had a good internship placement record. And they say the internship experience is everything, even over the cache of what school you go to, even though I had to keep telling my father that...NEVERMIND! What were we talking about?
CLAUDIA
(raises her hand) Can we count this as an extracurricular on our college applications?
The CAPTOR covers his eyes in frustration, starts to break down.
PETER
Jesus F. Christ Claudia, that’s all you ever talk about. I hope they have affirmative action for letting virgins into Yale.
CLAUDIA
Shut up, shitstain. At least I don’t date my World of Warcaft character!
CHRISTY [in a mocking tone]
(in a mocking tone) Awwww, Claudia, is your spanx girdle too tight?
CLAUDIA
Isn’t it time for your weekly abortion, Christy? [More bitching and talking from the students]
CAPTOR
(to himself) I can’t believe I thought this would be fun. You know what they say. Never work with children or animals. ….EVERYONE SHUT UP! SHUT UP! This is serious. THis is the MURDER GAMES! MURDER!
The CAPTOR grabs PETER, takes a knife out out and slits his throat, letting his dead body fall to the ground. The class sits stunned.
After a beat, they all take out their cell phones and start taking pictures of PETER’s body.
CHARLOTTE
Uh, fine. You don’t have to act like such a fucking mental case.
CAPTOR
Oh, I don’t do I? Well thanks. Thanks for your gosh darn permission. I’ve only spent every day of the last five years concocting my plan to take an entire school hostage, drug and kidnap an entire class and force them to commit unspeakable acts on each other for my own amusement and to prove a point to all of society? So excuuuuuuuuuse me for caring about the labor of love I’ve been dedicated to making happen. [Covers his face with his hands and starts crying.] Dad you were right. I’m a fucking failure. Wharton didn’t want me, The Best Buy corporate training program didn’t want me. I thought doing this subversive experiment would be the place for me, but I guess not. I even fail at this. You win DAD. Don’t include me in the family newsletter DAD. Face it, I’m not you, DAD.
There’s another awkward silence while the students consider this, and look at each other. One of the students puts the burlap sack back on his head and takes a selfie.
CHRISTY
Uh, we’re like, sorry I guess. We didn’t realize how much this meant to you. [She turns to look at her classmates.] Come on we’ll do it.
ALL
Yea. Sure.
CAPTOR
I don’t want you do it just because I cried.
DREW
No, we want to. Just tell us again what you need us to do. Something about murdering?.....
CAPTOR
Well, uh (sniffles loudly) everyone gets, uh, one of these weapons and then I ...give you thirty minutes to spread out and and then…..oh, forget it.
CHARLOTTE
No, really and what? Tell us!
CAPTOR
Then... (whispers) fight to the death. (then louder) fight to the death. Last one standing gets their freedom.
CLAUDIA
Is there extra credit?
The class groans lovingly, like in a sitcom.
CAPTOR
Actually, Claudia, that’s a very good question. [CLAUDIA smiles and gloats to her classmates.] You get extra rations for fully eviscerating someone, and extra time in the protected zone if you violate your opponents corpses. [The class titters excitedly.] Now get out there, you rascals!
The CAPTOR hands each student a weapon as they run out of the warehouse, excited. CLAUDIA pauses and the CAPTOR hands her a weapon
CLAUDIA
So, do you think we’ll be done by four o’clock? I take figure skating lessons and I don’t want to miss…
The CAPTOR shoves a pistol in her mouth.
CLAUDIA [ with the pistol still in her mouth]
I’m sorry!
CLAUDIA and The CAPTOR laugh. The CAPTOR playfully pushes his foot against her behind as she runs off
CAPTOR
[watching the last of the kids leave.] Kids. [Shakes his head, then looks up.] Substitute, ha! MUUUURRRRDDDEERRRRR!