"mean, cynical, hopeless"
Howdy!
So, let's start with a content note: in today's essay on personal themes and style, I will be discussing personal experiences (without, uh, gory detail, but still) with depression/mental illness and suicide attempts/suicidal ideation; then an FAQ (Foxily Asked Questions) and a random digital art study I did to test-drive a Huion display tablet.
Sorry it's a bit darker this time. :]
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"mean, cynical, hopeless"
One of the things I've been grappling with in learning to draw, as I start to get a handle on art fundamentals/principles and move toward personal expression using intermediate-level technical skills, is the question of style. There's an easy answer to this in that anyone who's ever seen one of my drawings can usually then pick out other drawings I've done. I suck at tight lines and careful details. I am inclined to be loose and scribbly. I like limited palettes, especially the combination of black, red, and gold. These days I incline toward digital painting because undo, layers, and clipping masks are addictive.
I went through my personal collection of images yanked off the internet and stored in a folder on my desktop trying to identify what called to me and what didn't. What I didn't realize at the time is that art that I love and admire, both for technical skill and how it speaks to me emotionally, can still be art that I, personally, don't want to emulate. I've seen beautiful dreamy paintings in a more-or-less Art Nouveau style where the palette is basically pastels. Honestly, if you made me paint in pastels for a month, I would probably become extremely twitchy. When I did tranquil watercolor landscapes for two months, I became really, REALLY twitchy. I wanted to draw something DESTRUCTINATING.
A much smarter watercolorist friend explained to me that this is because style is a function of personality - you can enjoy other people's art without wanting to art in a similar style because you don't have a similar personality. An artist I encountered recently is Yuumei, and besides the visual style, one of the things that is crystal clear from her portfolio is that environmentalism is a major theme for her. I adore her art, but even if I magically woke up with her technical ability, you would not find me painting environmentalism-themed art.
I don't think it's a surprise to anyone who's ever read my works that my primary theme is war/violence. (The secondary one is sex, as distinct from romance, although for obvious reasons it doesn't show up in, e.g., books for younger readers.) Why war/violence? I don't have a good explanation; I don't have a military background. My mom thinks it's hilarious. I usually write stories centering on warfare or violence in some form. When I'm drawing/painting personal work, it often touches on that theme. I know this is what I want to do over and over because it's what I actually do over and over. I'm sure art-wise people would rather see winged kittens or teacup still lifes or whatever, but really my heart longs to blow things up. I don't naturally come up with "pretty" or "cozy" or "heartwarming" or "optimistic" art/stories, and I can't actually sustain those themes/affects. (See above regarding the two months of tranquil watercolor landscapes.)
Some months back, game designer Meghna Jayanth Tweeted, "what’s the point of making art that’s mean, cynical, hopeless right now?"
I did not respond then (and anyway I've deleted my Twitter now), but I'm someone who makes art that's "mean, cynical, hopeless"; who consumes art that's "mean, cynical, hopeless." I think Jayanth is, perhaps ironically, suffering a failure of imagination in what people need to express and what people find nourishing/meaningful/worthwhile. This varies from person to person!
For example, I actively seek out K. J. Parker, many of whose fantasy books/novellas feature clever but morally horrifying assholes who either come to bad ends or cause other people (who may or may not be clever but morally horrifying assholes themselves) to do so. I find these books intellectually engaging, because clever, morally horrifying assholes will consider and implement solutions/tactics that moral people won't. Being able to contemplate morally horrifying scenarios, and doing so willingly, is, I would argue, not only useful but vital for some of us as a mental skill for good ends. And for some use cases, I'd rather deal with this in a fictional what-if.
I use this "think about how to accomplish very bad, horrible things" mindset narrowly in, well, writing fiction (someone's got to come up with the villain's plans, or the antihero's); this is really sort of a trivial case, in that I don't think entertainment fiction is all that high up on anyone's list of essentials. But you know where I also see this mental skill and this mindset? I have multiple friends who work in security engineering and adjacent fields. You have to know how the attacker is going to think if you're going to stop the attacker or mitigate their actions. I'm sure you can think of the obvious military implications. I see a similar mindset in a friend who's an epidemiologist working in public health. Before COVID-19, their favorite thing was working on rabies - because to migitate the impact of rabies, you have to study and understand the disease to prepare for likely to worst-case scenarios.
Sometimes I read or write books that are "cynical" because - well. Cynicism-inspiring things do actually happen and it doesn't make me a bad person to read about them as opposed to optimistic/hopeful scenarios? One of the things that always feels like a fairytale to me is when you have fiction that ends with the overthrow of the evil tyrant/emperor/whatever and then ta-da! Happily ever after, the good guys are in charge, everything is fixed and better. Historical evidence regarding violent regime change would suggest that you tend to get a "happy for now" at best (to borrow romance novel terminology) and that after you overthrow the old regime and have to set up a new one, your problems are just beginning.
At other times, I read the genre of books I might describe as "horrible people do horrible things and come to a horrible end." Not everyone likes this genre, which is fine! We can all like different things. But when I am having a rotten day, reading about fictional people doing horrible things and coming to horrible ends (...or not, if they escape their karma) is soothing in a schadenfreude way.
And sometimes I read books that are "mean, cynical, hopeless," dark, dystopian, books about awful things and awful people, because I am depressed. Certainly that's why I write books that are "mean, cynical, hopeless," that are full of extreme gore and slaughter, that have characters who paraglide past their moral event horizons. I read those books because when I am depressed and everything feels terrible, those books make me feel seen. I'm sure people vary, but when I am sunk in depression, the LAST thing I want to do is read hopepunk or cozy fantasy. It reminds me that I am failing to "just cheer up." This isn't a fault in those genres, and it doesn't mean those genres shouldn't exist; but when I'm depressed, those genres are not for me.
I have bipolar I disorder, diagnosed in early adulthood, but I made my first suicide attempt in high school. (Obviously I sucked at this, because I'm still here. Also, I have a medical/psychiatric team, I'm fine.) I have been hospitalized for suicide attempts more than once.
I wrote part of Revenant Gun (book 3 of Machineries of Empire) while I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Jedao, who is a central figure in those books, is a mass murderer and objectively monstrous human being. He's also suicidal, and he was my self-insert, the character I identified with, both in terms of self-loathing and suicidal ideation. The version of him who appears in book 3 is suicidal. This wasn't just "write what you know"; it was a vital lifeline at a time when I needed a way to express what I was going through.
I write characters who feel trapped and depressed and who lash out and screw up on a horrifying scale because those are things that I feel and have felt. I feel like a complete failure on a daily basis. I paint imagery with similar themes. (Uh - I haven't murdered or mass murdered anyone. PSA, do not murder or mass murder people, it's not okay. I hope that's obvious?!) I mean, in some sense, sure, Machineries deals with themes of imperialism and assimilation and social control, but it's not just that. It's also a funhouse mirror melodrama metaphoric expression of my depression and what it feels like to want to die, what it feels like to be pushed to extremes of desperation and no-win choices and personal fuck-ups. It's a personal story - or anyway, I have no idea how one writes a novel that isn't personal in some way. I don't think I would be able to stay interested in such an endeavor.
If Jayanth doesn't want to create or engage with art that's "mean, cynical, hopeless," for whatever reason, that's of course up to her. For myself, I create the art I do, grimdark and depressing art, because it's how I cope with suicidal ideation and depression; I read/consume art with those characteristics because it tells me that I'm not alone in how I feel. This is art that sustains me, even if it's ugly. Even if I have no happy endings to offer.
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FAQ (Foxily Asked Questions)
What are you currently working on?
I turned in line edits for Lancers #1, so now waiting on copy edits for Lancers #1 and approval for the synopsis to Lancers #2!
I'm also working on Jedao art (featuring explodey starships, did I mention violence/war was a personal theme) in Procreate on my iPad, which is really fun.
How's your health?
Thanks for asking! Alas, still sick, but I have an appointment later this month with a specialist. We'll see if they are able to diagnose the issue.
What's one thing you're reading right now?
Speaking of K. J. Parker, I've started Pulling the Wings off Angels and I am EXCITE, although I expect Parker-typical levels of violence and brutality and backstabbing.
What are you listening to lately?
I picked up City High's album City High (yes, from 2001) - my sister played it for me way back when we were both at Stanford, and I thought I would like to listen to it again. "What Would You Do" still makes me cry! (Note, possibly triggery content including mentions of threatened incest/rape.)
I have a foxy question you haven’t answered here!
Sure, please email deuceofgearsart@gmail.com and I will get back to you!
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And for lagniappe, random study I did on my new Huion Kamvas Pro 16, which I am enjoying a lot.
