(64) fear is the mind killer
it’s been exactly five months and a day since the last time i posted here. one the one hand it is a big writing hiatus for me, but on the other time feels insubstantial, inconsequential, vacuous. the gears that spin and the threads woven within kept churning, taking shape, being molded, rhythmic, relentless, oblivious to the passing of time, put forth with the same intensity and verve that marks my inner processes ever since i came out of the thesis cocoon and bloomed into whatever version of me exists today.
the climax was glorious. coming through the other side of writing the thesis was one of the best moments of my life — as metamorphous and transmutative as giving birth — and, just like maternity, the experience for me felt more like homecoming than transcendency, a portal to a deeper niche of self and not to a higher plane of existance.
it really was all about the process. and as soon as the dissertation was submitted i completely disconnected and surrendered myself to ease, and rest, and relaxation, in a profound and multilevel all-encompassing way that i can’t remember to ever having intentionally done before. my holidays were almost three months long and although i did enjoy them less than i wanted to (recovery from surgery that took 5 weeks longer than expected, being without house help for two months and having the burden of the household and childcare fall disproportionately on me, justly, after j’s selfless and continuous sacrifice for the past year), i was able to indulge in exactly what i wanted: to enjoy the holiday season with my extended family, to revisit and spend quality time with friends, to spend lots of quality time with j and a and the dogs, to travel, to take walks, to try out new sports and activities, to read my little heart out, to sleep, to refrain from acts of creation. (including in the kitchen!)
a lot of the mental processes that i began in therapy in the past years, post-motherhood, and throughout the degree, materialized and came to fruition at the moment of submission. and.i came out of the process healed and feeling whole in a way that i didn’t remember it was possible.
coming back to my usual schedule and worklife was rough. i made the decision to step down from parts of my volunteering work, took advantage of the law firm’s transition to part ways, untangle myself by not joining them, took a step back from the availability to my family business, and focused more on the demands of the tough schedule i have on my plate at the law school this semester, unencumbered by the financial need to do much else for the first time in a long time. and i really had my hands full with just that (plus now having joined my synagogue’s board, and joined another research centre in a new and exciting role). work always seems to find me, thank G-d.
i feel like my relationships have all changed as well. my relationship with j is the best it has ever been, with a it is great and getting better every single day, with my bio family (which still is an exercise in boundaries), with my sister m (getting closer by the week), with my friends (setting boundaries with some, and funnily enough going deeper and deeper with my oldest friends, friendships that i believed went as deep as possible — but i guess you can always exceed your expectations!; building new bridges with friendships that have cooled down.. etc). what changed the most is my relationship with work. it might be too soon to declare, but maybe i have finally unleashed myself from the shackles that bound my self-worth and sense of self to professional achievements? is it too much to ask…?
this led to the frustrating, yet comical circumstance of me working against the grain, not being excited about work and sometimes coming to the point of resenting work (even teaching, which i usually love). but now i feel like it is all taking me away from what i want to be doing — glorious, deliciously indulgent fare niente.
at some point this whole aversion to work mood seriously intensified, and i thought i was going crazy, as this is such a monumental departure from who i always was on a work setting. but later i found out that it wasn’t just a case of post-phd mental fraction, pathological laziness, but also a concrete medical problem: anemia! which, in addition to us traveling to a zika-ridden place for a wedding in sept, has led us to postpone our pregnancy plans for a bit, much to j’s chagrin, but to my honest relief as i felt something physically wrong before. i really want to be at my best for the next pregnancy, if i am able to get pregnant. we’ll see, in time.
in the meantime, i have a date for the viva, the defense of the phd, at the end of june. i haven’t done anything for that… but also, two of my closest friends (two couples) invited me to co-officiate their weddings, which is a huge responsibility that is taking up a big chunk of my mental and emotional wavelength. add to that the fact that other two of our groomsmen are getting married, and j and i have four bachelor/ettes in a month, before my defense, which is also stressing me out a bit and making our household logistics a bit difficult to puzzle out. but all will be well, and we’ll do what is possible…
just like that, looming on the horizon is the next big step of my life (the phd!) and then on september the next phase in our family life and marriage, and hopefully also the ability for me to seek and apply for tenure-track permanent positions with the faculty.
i wish i could say these things are super exciting, but honestly the present day-to-day has been so good, internally, that i almost can’t be arsed to bother about impending dates, deadlines, landmark moments in my life. even the beit din, (which i do need to schedule this week with my rabbi, so that hopefully it takes place this year!)
whatever this is: happiness-wholesomeness-inner peace, fulfillment, what-you-wanna-call-it, is as much as as blessing as a curse. it feels elusive and fleeting. initially uncomfortable and strange in a way. at first i kept on looking over my shoulder to find where the next punch in the gut would come from, how would this be taken from me. but so far so good ***knock on wood***, bli ayin hara, and i am getting used to trusting, being joyful in the moment.
life has had its fair share of hardships, and a lot of the fruits we are reaping were hard-earned, but many if not most were built on privilege and sheer luck. i am so grateful for all of it. i look back and i want to pinch myself; i almost can’t believe this actually is my life. i am happy beyond measure. my life is better than my wildest dreams. i am not imaginative enough to have conceived of such amazing people to journey with: my husband, our daughter, our dogs, my friends. it’s such a trip to be alive! and i am also grateful for our community, our home, our professional lives, material comforts. we are incredibly blessed, in big things and small.
all the big things are great, but lately i have exercised gratitude and taken enjoyment from all the small things: all shapes and forms of workout classes with friends, (spontaneously booked reformer pilates on a weekday morning, lunchtime martial arts with friends, hot yoga in-between work), eating lunch on the grass, i the garden, under the blazing sun, the meditative practice of chopping vegetables in silence, reading poorly written romantasy just for the vibes. a rainy weekend in the countryside with friends. a mother-daughter weekend cocooned at home by choice, while j is travelling. movie popcorn and stay at home cinema. rewatching jurassic park for the milionth time. a multi-nation-wide power outage on a sunny day that led us to all come home and spend time by the pool, totally disconnected, cook by candlelight, dissolve in the dusk, stargaze. every single shabbat. organizing a spotify playlist with varying styles and epochs, and blasting mishmashed music in my car on the way to and from work, to and from school pickup. marie-kondoing the shit out of my closet and only keeping things that bring me joy and feel like *me*. getting linen shirts and pants (black, obviously) for the summer. finding the perfect c*nty pair of sunglasses. spending time with friends in upstate ny. meeting old friends for pizza, for mexican food. watching snow fall in the cabin. birds chirping in the morning. eating a bagel in central park. a good, lavender-forward london fog. diet coke on ice. the feel of putting on a comfortable sweatpant set. showering before bed. freshly washed sheets. an everything bath. olive nuzzling his face in my chest while i read. bashir curling up next to me in bed in the morning. waking up and cuddling amelia, telling each other i love you. making love to j. visiting a friend. cooking for friends. hosting birthday dinner. baking birthday cakes. ordering delicious cakes that i didn’t cook. an outdoor run in the countryside, not training for distance or time, but listening to how my body feels. keeping a plant alive (this is very novel for me!). stumbling upon a new favorite book boyfriend. a new perfume that i can’t stop obsessing about. discovering you have friends with similar reading interests. watching our daughter grow. hearing her laughter, hearing her unravel, giggling, unbridled, unencumbered, surrendering wholly to belly laughs. watching the dogs’ muzzles get whiter. the privilege of them getting older. watching us grow (and getting older). phone calls with my dad. exchanging memes with friends. the ocean. not being fazed by unavoidable problems and toxic family dynamics. a nicely steeped cup of tea. a flavorful infusion before bed. having regular bowel movements, and an unblocked nose? having claritin for when allergy season hits? it’s all serendipitous.
i look to the sides and it’s difficult not to feel profoundly unworthy of such a bounty. i worry and stress about the state of the world, impending doom, climate change, Gaza and Israel, a third world war, on a smaller scale trying not to eff up my daughter, and also the very real and profound pains and problems of my loved ones. but i am learning that you can hold both: joy in the little things, overall (mind-shattering!) happiness, frustration over small things, and bigger worries and deeper grievances.
the downside of protecting my peace is that i find less writing fodder. as someone who writes (*throw up in my mouth*) it seems counterintuitive to praise the beauty of superfluous things, to make an ode to consumerism, to sing of the boring motions of a vanilla “traditional” life. when so much of my writing time has been devoted to unpacking and reprocessing trauma, romanticizing the darker hollows of self. and i have gained followers and praise by doing so more or less eloquently in the past. as a creator, i feel uninteresting, less than, worse than before. but there is a time for everything under the sun, and this is not my time to cry and brood. perhaps, this is no longer my time to produce.
i feel older and wiser, but also younger and renewed. and i can’t wait for the rest of my life. i hope it goes slowly and G-d grants us a lot of time. and i strive to practice gratitude and return the many blessings fate has bestowed upon us, to the best of my ability. i pray i can honor the trust put in me by the allocation of this abundance. i hope i can honor, respect, cherish and nurture my loved ones, my communities, myself.
in the meantime, we work through the motions and repeat the bene gesserit mantra: fear is the mind-killer… i am not letting anxiety deprive me of the present, or void the enjoyment of things, big and small. one day at a time.
f.