(61) the sh*t cherry
the finish line is SO freaking close i can almost taste it, or, better said, feel the proverbial finish line breaking and flapping across my battered sweaty thighs, so to speak, because this feels like a marathon more than anything else.
not to phd-bomb the subscribers, last week i had a casual impromptu meeting with my supervisor when we saw each other in another colleague’s viva (probably the last, or second-to-last viva i get to attend before my own, which most likely will take place somewhere in the first half of 2025). while we were walking i moped and moaned and complained about feeling like a failure for having had so many big and small personal and professional hurdles to overcome just before my (crazy and self-imposed) deadline, and fearing that i could not hand over a semi-decent and finished version of the phd by rosh hashanah, october 2nd. (also, i really didn’t want to have the thesis “in my hands” at the anniversary of oct 7th).
funny enough, i think all my friends and colleagues who finished phds experienced the same stage of inexplicable obstacles right at the end (and most of them way bigger and more destabilizing than mine, like divorce and childbirth)
luckily, my supervisor put my fears to rest. together, we did a backwards exercise. since i want my jury to be officially named and approved at the latest in the scientific council meeting of mid-december, that means that i must have it formally submitted to the Uni services no later than mid-november. with this in mind, he told me not to worry, that he would read it in the week of october 20th when he is overseas alone working and has the time to do it, as he wouldn’t have time to do it before then anyway (he is the dean after all!)
this should have put my mind at ease; after all, the earliest of the ridiculous deadlines i set was july 31st — LOL where has that gone!! —, the second was end of august, and now i am probably failing this one, too. which seems ridiculous if you consider that the actual official deadline for my phd submission is march 15th 2026, and that is without any postponements (which are more common than not).
but anywho. all of this means i have to hand over an already finalized version by october 16th (!!!) (c’s birthday, the eve of a’s birthday, which this year falls on sukkot, which feels symbolic enough, since my daughter really is my obra prima), and sukkos lasts until the 19th, which falls on shabbat. so this gives me more or less a month to do it, another two weeks of breathing room, but sadly it overlaps with the high holidays, where in most of the days i can’t — and won’t — work.
i take a lot of pride in committing to my religious duties, and having never worked a single shabbos since 2019. but i really wanted to spend the high holidays unburdened, having moved on, immersed in jewish seasonal theology/literature, but it is what it is. we are meant to live by the laws, not die by then, and all that?
i hope that by the high holidays i will only be doing revision and rewriting introductory and concluding bits. also because the high holidays mark the beginning of season of celebration in our household! my mother’s birthday is on the 29th, j’s birthday this year falls on yom kippur (luckily i will be breaking fast before dinner to join the celebrations), a’s on the 17th, mine on guy fawkes’, and ending with our big friendsgiving feast on the last friday of november. estais todux kunbidados
also i can’t help but marvel at the significance of the loves of my life’s birthdays (j and a) falling on yom kippur and sukkot this year.
moving on with the schedule — the week after handing it over (at the same time it will be handed over to my supervisor for his approval/review, my dad for spelling/grammar/language, j for argumentative and substantive revision, and another colleague who will do some scientific revision, these men in my life tackling this monster of work at the same time), oct 21st, i need to (start and) finish another long-form article and a short communication for two separate conferences, one that occurred in march (the article), and the communication to be delivered in mid-november. i hope this doesn’t take me too long, as the article is based on a communication that already occurred and is outlined (and it doesn’t fall on my shoulders alone; it was a joint communication, and will be a joint article, with another colleague and friend) and the november communication is fairly simple and in the same theme as the article, which honestly i can write with my eyes closed. so i expect the first to take me 2-3 leisurely working days, and the communication to take me just one afternoon. which will be a good break from seeing the same +400 pages of thesis over and over again!
then, for halloween, i will be away with my 16yo sister attending a show of her choice in ireland, (wth am i supposed to do with a minor in the land of whiskey and beer, where neither she nor i drink? i really didn’t want to rent a car and drive on the other side of the road alone with no responsible adult but myself to count on… but more than more it seems that the smartest thing to do is to gtf out and enjoy the irish coutryside… tips?). the first week of november is my birthday, and the second week of november i will have the said conference.
but i hope to be able to catch up on some minor revision, adjustments and additions during this week, before signing and sealing it to the law school’s registrar, whose submission is a whole ‘nother bureaucratic adventure that i do not look forward to (although i feel obviously competent and prepared to do, being in law after all…)
alas, the last 6 weeks have just been one small nuisance after the other, as if i wasn’t under enough stress as it was (!!)
mercury retrograde hit us HARD! it started with my haphazardly injuring my finger pretty seriously on the last day of vacation, 30 minutes before the end of the rental. then i spent almost 5 weeks coughing my lungs out with a nasty respiratory infection (i did quit my disgusting 1-3 cigarettes-per-day habit by then, so i guess it was my fault in the first place, but also yay for me for quitting?). then A got sick and had a scary asthma episode which ended in a middle-of-the-night rush to the ER and hospitalization, but BH she is fine which is the most important thing.
in other boring adult life adventures, last month we decided to trade our old cars, which were either getting too old to use or didn’t fit our lifestyle, for newer (used) ones. as usual we are masters at preparing these things, but the same week that we got our new semi-used large car, our 16-year-old model of that same exact car had a break failure indicating a huge mechanical problem (thank goodness it didn’t cause an accident!!), but as fate would have it the repair is going to be hefty, like 15% of its resale value which is something that we really wanted to avoid…
Also, we changed my smaller city car to an electric, which meant we needed to get a charging wallbox installed, which is another big expense, that we planned for and saw coming, but little did we know about everything else…
the day after this, I kid you not, the water filter vacuum that we paid with wedding money and was our biggest expense broke down, AND the following day our 20-year-old expensive dishwasher that came with the house broke. so now it’s two “essential” and expensive appliances that we have to replace, and the sooner the better because with Amelia’s mite allergy, allergic asthma flare, and the changing season, the allergist told us that replacing the vacuum was in fact an urgent thing…
also my dentist told me that I apparently had an overdue bill from the orthodontic treatment that I got in 2022-2023, because they changed businesses and location in the middle of my treatment, apparently that charge was lost in the move and they never notified me — because they didn’t notice it themselves, in the first place. firstly, i will most obviously pay — with the neurospicy flavor i came wired with i have crippling debt-anxiety, so i would NEVER stand the thought of owing money to anyone!! — but i really feel like this is their fault. i feel a tiny bit bamboozled and scammed TBH, and not happy at all with how this is being managed. i am aware of this supposed charge since march of this year, but every time i call to sort it out, (and i have called several times), or even when go there in person, (and i go often, for check ups, for dental cleaning, for whitening, you-have-it, lol i love the dentist) i try to pay. and every time they postpone, it’s not convenient to take care of the paperwork, they say next time, next time, postponing it until NOW, when i have no extra money flying around to make stupid payments of services taken place two years ago.
on top of it, my therapist (who is a G-d send person and has helped me so so much) has this annoying custom of being paid in live cash. (he says it’s a psychology thing, of physically exchanging money for a service… but as a former lawyer it seems to me like a tax-evasion thing…). long story short, somehow we had conflicting schedules from like march to end of june, which meant sparse sessions, and then june and july it was online at my bequest, august it was a whole month break fro therapy, and september also at my bequest we had online appointments. all throughout this i have been messaging him asking for their banking details and how much money i owe, but i can only imagine and dread the amount i owe for all the sessions that we have had (even with breaks). i break in sweat thinking, in this context, how much cash i will need to grab! will i be forced to visit 4x atms per day for days in a row like a junkie?
besides money trouble, it seems like to many of my friends just frizzed out completely. the amount of drama that has been going on is just wild. and the sheer number of bombastic secrets that i now hold is no joke. i think the heaviness from being on the receiving end of so much negativity has also been weighing me down, imperceptibly, pound-by-pound, inch-by-inch,… this is not the style of friendship that i enjoy, nor the role that i was really made for as a friend. i do know that these are some of my dearest and oldest friends, and since real friends are for all occasions, so when called to these circumstances, one must do what one must do, i guess. but i get sick and tired. like couldn’t y’all wait one month before you got crazy? xD i’m almost entirely free for shenanigans! not now!
but NONE of this takes the cake in terms of upending our lives. the worst was last week, when j’s work life pretty much went to sh** . this is not my story to tell, much less here at a semi-anonymous but public forum, but as far as anyone can see it looks like a burdensome, costly, emotionally draining process has irrevocably begun. the toll will be enormous. and there is so much value lost. it really is a shame.
business aside, on a personal level the events were so significant and impactful that both j and i have been pretty much unable to operate: unable to sleep, work, or talk about anything else but this for the past week and a half, and the drama is faaar from over (it has barely begun!)
all throughout this i was genuinely trying to keep my cool, stay chill and focused on the goal ahead, to complete the dissertation as soon as possible also to be true to my word and put a stop to the many sacrifices my loved ones (esp. j, a., my parents, and my in laws, but also close friends) have taken at my expense, in order for me to be able to anticipate the deadline.
but the straw that broke the camel’s back, as ridiculous as this sounds, was yesterday. i came home “early” from a wedding (as early as i could, since wedding parties in this corner of the world run LATE, i left after midnight, before dessert)… and at 1am i rush over in heels and make up to get a glass of water in my kitchen to see HUGE teenage mutant ninja cockroach casually walking all over the dishes set out to dry, and i just about LOST IT, screaming hysterically crying!! even with c and her baby t sleeping right next door. (i did end up calling j for emotional assistance, while he was hammered still at the wedding, but in the end i killed it so that’s it)
so, first things first, i am getting pest control. and i know i am being spoiled & overly dramatic, but it’s like what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks is going on????
luckily these are all small bothersome things, and thank G-D not serious, but they grind and erode my patience! and i nearly lost it, trying to stay calm cool and collected in a high-stress moment, at a high-stakes event, i want to throw in the towel and say I AM DONE! i am really done with petty little things, and more expenses, and little obstacles in the way of me adequately completing this monumental task that i am dying to get rid of.
and G-d forbid i don’t want to be self indulgent or ungrateful. i know full well that all of these nuissances and expenses only happen because i have a rich life in all senses; full of blessings, enjoyments, material things and — more importantly — so many wonderful people to care for.
besides, i am well aware that grown-up life is just one problem after the other, and life says jump and you say “how high”, and I am SO grateful that we are all in good health, so thankful and feel so blessed that we have the means to tackle all of these things, but it’s hard!
after having some financial breathing room i stopped accepting extra paid work in june to be able to focus as much as possible in writing the dissertation to submit it a year and a half early, which meant a loss of like 50% of my income. and it seemed so right at the time, but now (in this particular day, before payday, at the end of the month, prior to having all of these expenses come tumbling down and smothering me next week) i really feel suffocated.
if you read this newsletter you are well aware that i am very religious (i was about to write extremely but i don’t like extreme associated with religion and it felt icky-laricky to write it). and i never dabble in occult-ish things. but i am cautious, or bordeline superstitious: no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, hay.
ever since like july sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night feeling tangible envy&hatred towards me and my family, so substantial i can touch it. and i can say that i deleted all social media so i could focus on my work, but the truth is most times i don’t really want people outside of my closest friends to even remember me. forget i exist!
i know it’s my anxiety talking. but at the same time, it feels so real. and the worst part is having some concrete knowledge on from whom that energy comes from, and knowing that these persons are my friends and relatives and (i really hope that) they don’t mean it at all.
but i feel it nonetheless… and that adds to the unsafeness and loneliness that i was experiencing before, particularly with them; and is another line in the already long list of grievances and loneliness that i have with these particular people, who in the last few years have in equal measures helped and hurt me so much.
sometimes cycles end and that’s okay, but i am having trouble cutting out toxicity with these particular persons because there is a lot of enmeshment going on. i digress…
many years ago, i think with jc (again) with whom i always have the most philosophical discussions, i was venting and complaining about my life (narcissism much?) and i mentioned that i am very grateful that my life is beautiful, delightful, indulgent and rich, filled to the brim with niceties and luck, but also hard work and intentionality, like an extravagant multi-layered frosted cake.
but the cherry on top always feels like a sh*t cherry; like it doesn’t ruin the cake, the overall thing is still scrumptious and delicious and a sight to look at, but BOY it is frustrating to have a speck of excrement crowning everything else that is good! luckily it isn’t the other way around
i hope that by the time the next newsletter graces your inboxes i will donezo with the preliminary version of the thesis.
but i can’t wait for december!! after the official submission i will be FREE as a bird! since thank heavens i am not on teaching duties this term, (and i had to matrix-dodge so many bullets hurled at me), i will spend december, january and february, doing absolutely nothing but taking different workout classes, seeing friends and family, going to the spa, and doing the bare minimum in terms of work. i only have a end-of-january conference.
in january (if we have money) we are planning on going to africa again with a to see our friends b&m, and that’s it. by mid-late february i plan to go to the balkans/asia with p. and in march i retake teaching duties and life gets back to some form of regular grind.
Sorry for the long journal entry/ramble/venting session.
TL;DR, please send good vibes my way so that i can push through the poop cherries that have been popping up! i know they are small but i just want to finish decorating the cake. and send all thoughts and prayers for me to be able to finish. i need all the help that i can!
f.