(59) resignation (tw: war)
as i venture deeper into the final stretch before handing over the dissertation to my supervisor, hopefully by rosh hashanah, october 2nd, i am ineffectual to the fact that the world keeps mercilessly spinning.
between mercury in retrograde (a badly injured writing hand, a weeks-long lung infection, the death of a beloved family pet), j being away for work in nyc while i churn research pages and solo-parent, a. starts pre-k 4, other personal worries among friends, and the state of the world, i just can’t seem to hold my breath.
vacation was great, wonderful, necessary, extraordinarily comforting (being with j&a and seeing a few friends in the algarve), but even small joys hold great contradiction: they can be magnanimous, life-saving, singularities of love and light amid darkness, and fragile, fleeting: prone to be crushed by the weight of reality in a blink of an eye.
it was with immense sorrow that my community received the news of the dead hostages recovered from gaza. for many jews and jew-adjacent persons, hersh goldberg-polin symbolized hope. hope for an agreement of ceasefire that would release +100 captives from h@mas brutality, that would provide respite and stop the ongoing bombing of gaza, provide humanitarian aid, build bridges for (elusive? hopefully lasting) peace, and palestinian blood-earned freedom and recognition.
hersh’s mother rachel became the epitome of strength, grace and wisdom: a beacon of light calling for peace and world leadership’s ability to make the hard but necessary choices. the embodiment of a woman of valor. and witnessing her unwavering resilience at her son’s funeral is a slap of reality to wake you up and come to terms with how small our problems are, how blessed we are in all the little things. i hold a. closer at night, and while i can’t promise what her future holds, i can vow to do my best to help build a better world.
and still, while i grieve and mourn — for israelis, for hostages, for the ongoing slaughter and vitriol against my people since october 7th, antisemitism and islamophobia through the world, and also for over 45 000 dead palestinians, of which over 35% are children 14 and under — i can’t help but feel immensely guilty that i exist in proximity and closeness to the side which is perceived as “less affected”.
but can you really tally sorrow, compare grief to grief? which is bigger, which is worse? is it through a body count? a singular death is a disaster, a whole universe that disappears…
sadly enough, palestinian and palestinian-adjacent persons are the first to acknowledge that it is possible to live in the &, and hold compassion for both sides. the most fertile and honest conversations i have had and witnessed occurred between opposing sides. as a mother, it is with horror that i see my daughter’s face in each desecrated lifeless little body, i see her in each child suffering from pain and disease and hunger unfathomable hardships that no person should ever know. but this is an ontological conundrum that our polarized, late-stage capitalism, immediacy-driven, black-and-white western society is not prepared to hold.
i have made peace that the upcoming anniversary of this horrendous war marks a year of profound changes in the world and my personal life alike. i have severed relationships, lost good friends, re-connected with others, earned support in unexpected places. and yet there is a great sense of inextricable social and political orphanhood, as i am irrevocably distanced from the progressive community (which has less and less room for nuance), and cannot fully embrace the latent hatred that oozes from conservative sides either. where are the moderates to stand? and why should the radical commitment to human dignity and humanity be perceived as weak and non-committal?
while there is no possible redemption for the carnage and bloodshed of this conflict, personally, i can seek the silver linings: being pushed to come out of the closet and being open about my identity, my beliefs, pain, the social and ethical commitments that mark my interior life, my professional career, my activism. and i know for certain that i cannot condone superficiality, social media buzz, the highs and lows of virality, the flaky emotions of the socially woke.
this personal journey of discovery and homecoming in judaism has made me come to terms with my true self. and whereas before i always felt a great sense of otherness, now i have come to terms that alterity is a core feature of who i am. as a person, and as a jew. and it doesn’t bother me as much to make peace with this seeming contradiction.
my best buddy jc and i came up with an expression, after several long soirees talking until the sun rose, to describe this paradox of multitudes, that most likely holds a chunk of the mystery of human life. we call it “cookies and dinosaurs”. there is as much beauty and significance in eating the perfect, fresh warm chocolate chip cookie, as there is in world-ending events, comets that obliterate whole species. i can find some comfort in that.
if you find space in your heart, please send a good thought and prayer my way for the arduous (but ridiculously minor and insignificant) task that looms ahead in the close future.
but most of all, act: donate, write letters, speak out, do what you can to ensure that this conflict is not ongoing at its anniversary. one death is one loss too many, 45,000 is a catastrophe. we cannot stand idle and watch this go on.
f.