(55) toil
today is the first day of my (almost) exclusive dedication to finishing the doctoral thesis.
until the 2nd of august i have the first big stretch of (almost) uninterrupted writing, except for having to supervise written exams, grade exams, be part of juries in the viva period in july… and having to travel to the north of the country tomorrow for a conference, and then back the following morning, and then another conference next month…
i will take a full break from the thesis between the 2nd and *17th of august (*I wish! more likely until the 13th of august… we’ll see how that goes), and then get back to it full force to submit my finalized draft to the supervisor by the end of september.
so, in practice, i have 2 months to finish my first draft in the best way i can, and another month and a half to revise it and put it in tip top shape. phew! how to condense (half) a thesis in 3 months… and not 4-6 years…
that means, today is the first day of that endeavor. and i’m getting a hard time getting to it.
it’s not a matter of blank page syndrome (not since i already have well over 250 pages, a more-or-less set structure, workflow, experience, i have drained all pools of inspiration), but i am constantly lured by the temptations of procrastination. avoidance. panic cleaning.
what if i decide to clean and declutter my bathroom vanity? well, i could for sure brush up my cv… and what about that article that i talked with j and f about writing, i could probably get it done now? what about that book that i’ve gotten in the mail, or that documentary available on youtube, or that new podcast…
it strikes me that today is the first day of the ticking time clock, and truth be told i am scared shitless! after all the planning, the big talk, the bravado of having a plan set in place, and being confident in my executive skills, the time to put my money where my mouth is has finally come and i am terrified of failure.
i am not one to lack motivation, because i couldn’t care less about motivation, so i stick it with discipline. and i am disciplined!
i am not one to fall in the fallacy of perfectionism either, because i am not anything if far from detail-oriented lol. (i know my thesis will not be life-changing, world-saving, the best to ever have been written… i hope it doesn’t suck, but as i always say, a written and submitted thesis is better than a perfect thesis safely tucked in the author’s mind!)
but i am afraid of letting everyone down. most of all, of leting me down. (how very narcissistic of me)
so i guess i just need to kick my proverbial butt and go ahead and just do it.
****
I wrote this yesterday and today I am going to the conference 3 and a half hours away. did i write anything in the thesis word document in between then and now? no.
did i declutter anything? i didn’t.
but did i spend 8hrs updating my cienciavitae (the academic cv)? yes, you bet i did.
did i spend 4hrs taking care of finding a new housekeeper? also, yes
am i any closer to starting to write? yyyyyes.
but only after i workout. and shower. and meditate. and clean the car and set things up for my trip.
(i am still confident that i am going to get somewhere with the thesis today in the 4hrs i have left to work…)
priorities…
please pray for me, wish me well, keep me in your thoughts, and please for the love of G-d and all that is holy unless it is a shabbat dinner at our place (spots are meager, we are almost fully booked for the season and for that purpose please coordinate directly with j, not me, thank you!) or a saturday night dinner at yours/a fun night out with just me (pls do tempt me with these plans, as i also need time away from my family alone with friends lol and to decompress from being a disgruntled phd student) don’t invite me for anything at all, don’t call, don’t text, don’t talk to me about anything!!!, help me to not procrastinate!!! if i initiate conversations DO NOT ENGAGE send me on my merry way to write the thesis!
i have no national holidays, no sundays, no middle-of-the-week engagements or lunches or soirees, those are all off-limits as thesis-dedicated workdays at the expense of my loyal and devoted husband single-parenting through most of the next four months, so please help him with that, help us honor this big family commitment, and respect this “quality time loan” that i promise to pay you all back tenfold, thank you!
i am out until october, love you sm!