(53) happy spring
things have been working out for me, and the last few months have been filled with joy.
the spring term began and so did my academic duties, a hap-hazardous schedule, crowned by a difficult team/leadership to work with in the faculty (difficult being a massive understatement).
let’s be frank here for a second: i was pissed with the schedule, mad about the subject i was forced to teach, which i hadn’t taught in 8 years and always hated, bewildered with the reduction of my usual courses, and especially angry with the leadership, knowing the amount of time i knew it would take me to structure, plan, research and prepare to teach a “new” course for all intents and purposes, out of my depth, that i dislike, with a brutal schedule. time away from my immediate occupation which is to get the PhD out of the way as fast as i can.
i’m feeling very JuBu lately and thought, why the hell waste even more time being mad, i might as well get on with it and make the best out of a less-than-ideal situation. so i let it go, and have been fairly enjoying the experience (mostly the students, not so much the leadership/team dynamics…)
having to drop off a at school early in the morning and spend many gaping hours in the university has brought about many encounters with colleagues, pleasant exchanges and an adjustment to the ebbs and flow of the law school rhythm, in a way that i hadn’t felt as pleasant for a long long time. it took a decade, but i have finally made peace with wasting time in the school’s grounds again, reading the news, chit chatting with the bartenders, mingling with faculty and students, bumming through the faculty lounge. it has been kind of nice?
also, i have had a raise at the olive oil company which has left me with much financial relief and free to refuse work for the first time, and even save some money. i wouldn’t be nearly as relaxed if it weren’t so…
***
we exchanged a cold lisbon for warm maputo, where we were received in g&d’s home. it seems that every trip that we take as a family becomes my favorite, but this one will be difficult to topple. a was a ray of sunshine through every moment, braving the +11hr flights, airport delays, endless car rides, international border crossings, grown-up events, and the change of schedule with contagious good spirits, taking it all in. we had lovely quality time with g&d (and i was especially lacking prolonged time spent with g, my best friend, who has lived in a different country than me for the past 6 years or so). a bonded and blended herself with g&d’s 4 children, whom we love immensely, and it was heartbreaking to leave knowing we will only see them in the summer. but summer is almost here!
while we were touring kruger, i wanted to pinch myself. the lilac breasted roller with its iridescent feathers, lone vultures perched on barren trees, impalas, waterbucks, giraffes, wild dogs, elephants, i even caught the glimpse of an elusive lion, the abundance of animals, the savannah having the smells that you’d imagine, all against the backdrop of the immense african skies, the blazing sunset to send the day off… it was a dream. at some point j asked if i was feeling alright, because apparently me just looking out and smiling made him fearful of me having a stroke (that’s how big of a RBF i have had for the past few years). but i couldn’t help but smile! for the lack of better words, it was unreal.
we came back to a precipitous season change, as spring came in a flash. save for a few days of seasonal allergies galore, the warm air and sunny days settled quickly, announcing the glorious summer ahead.
***
interspersed with workstuff and the normal logistics of family at this stage of our lives, life has been very good indeed. days sunning in our backyard and pool, having many friends over, great dinner parties, which has fostered live face-to-face quality time, celebrating (Easter in Maputo, today Pesach in Lisbon), good moments with family, i really can’t complain. i feel very present and aware, like i am soaking up all the memories in.
it wouldn’t be as sweet without its fair share of bitterness. as per usual, there have been some family stresses, namely that my brother’s health has deteriorated, and my grandpa (who is my mother’s stepfather since she was 14, so my grandfather for all intents and purposes) is sadly dying, after a very long and slow decline. but he has been unwell for a while, is 87, and although there is no age where one is past their expiration date, and no life long enough for the people we love, yadda yadda, it is the cycle of life.
i guess when you have been overexposed to premature and tragic death in our generation, and a surge in the deaths in our parents’, a grandparent passing away seems almost like a blessing, the gift of departing at the “appropriate” time. of course i am sad and concerned, but it has truly been a grace of G-d to be able to accompany him (and my grandmother) during this solemn, sacred moment of life.
other than the normal sadness and frustration (and very little of these), overall, i have been feeling very well. i have been sleeping restfully, meditating, praying, working out, eating great nutritious vegetable food, i have been reading great books (can’t begin to explain how much i am enjoying the dune saga!), my social tank is full, i am deeply satisfied with how work (in the broad sense, i.e. the many professional occupations i have) has been coming along, i keep anticipating the deadline to finish the PhD and i feel fantastic about it in a way that almost feels braggish or manic or something. because i have actually been writing! 220 pages strong! after an awful slump, our marriage has been great, a’s terrible threes are out of the window and she has been all sunshine and kisses, therapy seems to be working its magic… i have health, financial security, fulfilment in every other intangible way… the only thing i can think of complaining about is the lack of complaints, which in my head makes me feel boring an very un-literary, but i feel so… relaxed. seriously, is this how everybody else usually feels? and no one has told me??
i don’t know if it was detachment from pressures i couldn’t keep up with, events i cannot begin to control, or trying to take a break from the global crises that have only intensified in the last six months (oh where to begin! October 7th, the ongoing massacre in Gaza, antisemitism and militant antizionism, escalation of the conflict, nuclear chasm, WW3 anyone?, end-stage capitalism, climate change, national politics are a joke, etc etc), but i feel extremely free from trying to keep up with the joneses and all that. existing online? i just can’t anymore.
no, really: i have been having lunch. consistently. like taking the actual time to chop down vegetables and put together an aesthetically pleasing and filling salad bowl that takes more than 10 minutes to make, for me, not to take a picture or for anyone else to see, and actually sitting down to eat it (in the sun, with a book, or by myself). i have been taking a lunch break, not to work on something different, but just to catch a breath and relax.. what?? who is this person?!
it may seem contradictory, or antithetical, since i have a massive heavy deadline which i took upon myself (late july for the rough draft, then vacation, then late september for the version to my supervisor, and final submission in october, which is an almost 2 year anticipation from the actual deadline of the thesis), and until then i am taking all the time i need. for myself. to be happy and healthy, and capable of finishing this task and not losing my marbles, nor my job, nor irrevocably damaging my family. i am sure i haven’t been the best/most responsive friend or the one with the most initiative, (sorry!) but i really need all the free time i can get. as a lona. because i know the only way i will do this is if i do it well, if i do it right, and not at the expense of my life. i am not looking to survive, i’m in my thriving era!
last week in therapy i was talking to my therapist and telling him about this overall contentment, and how hard i’ve been trying not to read anything into it (like making the self-fulfilling prophecy that “sunny days precede hardships”, because eventually some new crisis will show up, so i should just enjoy it while it lasts and not fret over things beyond my control). and then i asked, in face of the apocalypse, am i truly happy, or am i delusional?
i’ll leave you with that.
chag sameach! may all the hostages be free, and all of us freed from whichever slaveries lie within. next year in (peaceful) jerusalem.
f.