*(51) endless january thank you notes * with pictures
i'm thankful this gdforsaken month has finally ended. the 6472924 days of january were each harder than the other, and i was left absolutely breathless at the end of this marathon!
as always, i'm thankful for rain. at the beginning of the month, lazying in bed in the morning, hearing the gentle patter of rain weetting the garden, right outside my window. being transported to so many moments of peace and silence, lulled by the white noise of rainfall: timeloops, worlds collide, and just then i am studying in catolica for my first law school exams, sitting with a cigarrette, while rain hits the pavement; i am in scotland walking home from my lectures by the ocean, the air is crisp and salty, the rain livens the smells of the surf; and i am suddenly president of the students union and we are driving in the rain to do an errand, and it's tl, jf and me in the car, and the car is silent save for the patter in our rooftop, we couldn't be more comfortable; and now i see myself in michigan reading while the dogs snored at my feet by the lazy boy in the living room, through the window red leaves trip and i could taste it, the seasons turn; always stuck by the shadow of mt fuji alone in the onsen, hot water steaming and a mellow summer storm drizzling, and working on the phd submissions in our former office, when there were so few of us; and last year by the parliament waiting out the storm, and seeing the streets in lisbon flood; and i am there, when m took s and me to the soho farmhouse in oxfordshire, getting lost in a book on shabbat, a gentle mist sprayed outside and the fireplace crackled; and last week reading in bed with a sleeping by my side, as our rooftop was hailed.
i'm thankful for shabbat on shabbat on shabbat, even with rats. for when the candles are lit, when my eyes are opened, feeling all the stress of the week that has passed and the anxiety for the week to come just melting away from my shoulders. i'm thankful that you can always get joy and respite on shabbat, but it is one of those moments that you really reap what you sow; and the feeling of success of seeing a full table, mains and sides, salads, and dips and oil, the cheeseboard, flowers, warm challah, cholent bubbling on the crockpot, good company arriving, as night falls and shabbat sets in. i'm thankful for fresh fish on shabbat, how special the meal feels. for relaxation and good food and wine and dessert and tea and comfort and repetition and routine, family time, and unabashed rest. i'm thankful we had no rat the last two weeks! (although i am sad to think that it was the poison that might have been behind its demise)
i'm thankful for family fundays, (in spite of the phd guilt that i should always work on sundays for the coming months, and that i should be writing on all of my free time); of spending time with family and making plans with friends that don't happen, and having intimate time with friends that was unplanned.
i'm thankful for the ocean, where i can always clean my eyes and cast my soul. the ocean, deep and dark and icy in scotland, cold and still in dalvìk, lapping blue and friendly in kennebunk, maine; the same ocean that took up the brunt of my grief during those first painful years after m died. the ocean of my childhood and summer galore. the open sea i visit when i feel like mourning, and celebrating, and relaxing. the beach (aptly named the "big beach") i took a. to on a mother and daughter day, so that one day when i'm gone she could say she knew my innermost parts.
i am thankful for how the sky was clear and the ocean oh-so turquoise blue, last sunday, by the sea. and the cliffs were drawn in technicolor, sharply cut in the scenery, and the waves were perfect, and you could smell the salt, and time stood still for a while as the light blushed white, suspended, and pinker in shade; the world could end and it would have been a perfect ending nonetheless.
i'm thankful that i'm doing another digital diet (not a fast, this time), whereby i have kept my social media accounts running but have no apps installed, and need to update them on the browser. i'm thankful that i have forced myself to use social media more professionally (as in, a way to convey my professional activities, and not as an influencer!), that i have taken up on updating linkedin. i'm thankful that i'm not an influencer (although i am unsure you can become one by mistake) i'm thankful that i'm getting "noticed" on professional forums. i'm thankful that i hate attention in general, but not all attention is bad.
i'm thankful for updating my CV/ciencia vitae profile, which were static since october, and to have realized just how much stuff has happened/i've done since: published articles, media appearances, teaching and speaking engagements, conferences, opeds, and others. i'm thankful for how life happens when you're least expecting, when you're not paying attention.
i'm thankful for having removed my braces, although it was an (offbrand) invisalign and they didn't really bother or hinder me or my appearance and speech (i'm especially thankful for that), and i'm thankful to have permanent containers (top and bottom). i'm thankful to have ordered two night guards, instead of one, although the nightguards fit awkwardly after being so used to the pliancy of the braces.
i'm thankful that i was able to do everything that i had set out to do last week, this week, except for advancing significantly in the thesis. but i am thankful that to revised and reviewed some essential literature, some of the key arguments and the structure, and have a clearer knowledge of how i should proceed with writing it. the year is already 1/12 down, and although the thesis amendments, changes, inconsistencies, weaknesses, blindspots, and areas where research and development is needed occupy a big chunk of my thinking mind, i need to find time (and structure and rhythm) to put thought down to paper. i'm thankful to have finally submitted the last article, although it was two (!!) days late from the official deadline, and one week late from my personal deadline.
i'm thankful that these past weeks i have felt increasingly uncomfortable when in the presence of roudy men in kaffiyehs throughout the city, that i know it is an issue of perceived danger and not actual danger. i didn't have any identifiers or markings, but i felt unsafe and disgusted. i felt disgusted that i felt disgusted, because i know that kaffiyehs are symbols of freedom, of palestinian liberation, and thus of peace (which i couldn't support more!), but i also know the assocation of kaffiyehs with antisemitism, the concept of freedomfighting, and the celebration of the Oct 7th massacres resonates gravely within my mind.
i'm thankful to check my privilege. i'm thankful that, although i don't have that many people to share this with (the small pool was axed by the loss of intimacy and trust of the past few months, and can no longer trust many of my go-to friends with these issues, because of ideological divides — divides which shouldn't mean anything, but they do, and i still don't feel safe or inclined to bridge those gaps, and i am at peace with that) old friends have reemerged as strong allies, and new friends have come, discreetly and consistently, to the fold.
i'm thankful to appreciate the growth, ebbs and flows of grown-up friendships, and thankful as always for my very good friends (even when instances of circumstantial, accidental or intentional physical/emotional distance occur).
i'm thankful for health, especially when i've been under the weather. i'm thankful to have weathered four daycare illnesses from a without going under, and one from j, and only then have fallen ill with a succession of two virus (i believe, the flu and covid, although rapid testing always says i'm not sick). i'm thankful that i am sick this week, and not immediately prior to going to the us.
i'm thankful for a year of traveling interspersed with work. i'm thankful that a will be joining us on some of those trips (the longest and more adventurous!). i'm thankful that a is as obsessed with harry potter as i am, and thankful to share hobbies and interests with my daughter. i'm thankful for the time i get to spend with her, even when it eats away at my availability for other projects that i'm also interested in, even when i am tired, even when i feel a disproportionate burden of childcare duties. i'm thankful to realize the years are short, while catching precious moments slip, sieving, sifting between my fingers.
i'm thankful i will be teaching again this semester, although i won't be teaching what i want, my schedule sucks, and i can't stand the person i'll be working under...
i'm thankful that these professional arrangements have made me get my ish together and prioritize in order to make the thesis feasible in this timeframe, and strip away and put on pause other projects and aspirations (activism, ivrit, therapy, giur), even if they touch the cornerstone of what is essential for my wellbeing and persons, sacrifices need to be made where they can be made. i'm thankful for the power signaller this serves (both to myself, and others), a testament to the commitment i am making, and ensuring that i also respect myself and others for this sacrifice and fulfill the necessary tasks in the alloted time. i'm thankful this buys me another year of not being pregnant, although i have come to feel that a needs a sibling, we want more children, i am getting older and less emotionally available to care for small children.
i'm thankful for the concept of "time funding" or "personal time loans", that i first read about in the paper the other morning, where you can crowdsource time (away!) from friends and family to finish upcoming projects, such as a book or dissertation, and "pay them" back (or not) in time later on. you can ask to be excused by your friends from a function, a call, a gettogether, or to have household and childcare and petcare duties taken over by a spouse or household member. i'm thankful to float this idea and see if my friends and husband will bite...
i'm thankful for the ritual of reading the paper in the morning. i'm thankful that i can force myself to appreciate and become thankful for things that i don't immediately feel thankful for.
i'm thankful for your readership. hoping february treats you kindly.
f.