the slow and unyielding march of time | episode 7
A couple years ago, I went to a February cabin weekend. My housemates plan and host this cabin getaway every year, ostensibly for a birthday, but really (I think) to have a weekend to bask in love and community. And hot tubs. Especially hot tubs. There's something so satisfying about being outside, during that cold, rainy, gross mid-winter weather, mostly submerged in water so hot that you're willingly exposing parts of yourself to the fresh, damp air.
The first night, I wanted to go into the hot tub, but everyone else wanted to watch a movie. Fine. As most of you know, I'm not about to let something like other people's lack of interest keep me from doing something I'd like to do. I went out in the dark alone and lowered myself into the water, annoyed that no one wanted to do the thing that *I* wanted to do.
I can't tell you how long I spent out there, staring up at the sky, unable to discern my sweat from the water's heat. It started snowing softly, those big, wet flakes that kiss your skin for just a moment before dissolving. I stopped being annoyed and just wished someone would come out and share this moment with me, but didn't want to go ask someone to come share the moment with me, because what if no one was interested?
Eventually, my core temperature got so hot that I needed to get out. Too hot for my towel, I wandered to the dock on the lake, just a few steps away and stared up at the stars. They made me feel small and important and dreamy. It was still snowing; steam was rolling off my body. The lake burbled at me and I jumped in without thinking.
Hitting the water was as jarring as running full-speed into a tree. The air was knocked out of my lungs and I gasped, fumbling for the ladder. My thoughts narrowed to the present state my body was in. I paused before scrambling up, and let myself just feel the cold, feel the constriction in my chest, the ache in my legs. My hair felt cold enough to shatter. After a moment or two, I hauled myself up the ladder and ran back to the hot tub, wincing at the heat as I slid back in.
Wednesday was the first day of the year, and under very, very different circumstances, I again launched myself into an icy lake. It was morning, broad daylight; the sky orb gifted us with her presence. I was with hundreds of people, mostly strangers. It was highly scheduled -- in fact, I was slightly stressed about making it for the 10am deadline where everyone was rushing to the water and throwing themselves in. But we made it, and we jumped, and the water was so fucking cold and my hair felt like icicles and I pulled in deep, ragged breaths for a moment or two and felt every inch of my body, screaming in the cold, aware and present, before running back out into the day.
Big News:
What: I'm moving. (me: screams)
Where: To NYC. Brooklyn, to be exact.
Why: Family, friends, love.
When: In February, which is not very far away, and also I am going to Argentina in between now and then. I'm feeling ambient stress about it all the time because I have a lot to do and very little time to do it in, and I'm excited and happy and grateful and sad and scared.
Other details:
I'm hoping to keep working at my current job, which means I will have a very good reason to come back regularly. I'm going to miss all my Seattle friends so much -- but we'll be in touch and you won't lose me. My New York friends can tell you as much. Let's hang out, everyone.
Debris:
I went to see Knives Out and I loved it so much. It's not like Clue but it's also not NOT like Clue. It's a low-key murder mystery with a lot of famous actors in it and Daniel Craig has like 6 different southern accents. It's smart and very funny and just a solid, twisty murder mystery.
At work we did a "Secret Elf" give exchange (I think someone thought that was non-denominational? Which is deeply funny to me) and my rad coworker got me a David Bowie-inspired tarot deck. I feel so seen.
I'm still feeling pretty refreshed after my vacation in early December. I think it might have been the most relaxing vacation of my life?
What I'm reading:
Currently:
Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson: A few weeks ago my mom texted me "This sounds like a book for you" with a link to the NYT review of Nothing to See Here, which begins with the line "Good Lord, I can’t believe how good this book is." I'm skeptical of superlative reviews, but my mom sent me the book and I've finally started reading it, and am enjoying it immensely. It's absurd and dark and weird and has some stuff in it that could be a huge bummer but it's also very funny. Here's a line that I wrote down: "A lot of times, when I think I'm being self-sufficient, I'm really just learning to live without the things that I need." STOP ATTACKING ME KEVIN WILSON.
A Fortune For Your Disaster by Hanif Abdurraqib: Caleb and I went to see Abdurraqib talk a couple months ago, and then for my birthday Caleb gifted me his book. I'm reading it very slowly, before bed, because I have a hard time reading poetry straight through. They're really beautiful. I love reading them aloud to myself.
Recently finished:
The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo: I *loved* this book. It's the multi-generational story of a family, with an interesting construct where the story flashes back and forward in time to tell the narrative of the family, as it is also telling the present-day story of all the individual family members. It's centered around questions of parenthood, and different models of relating to those you're related to, in intricate and authentic ways. There are complicated rivalries and hidden secrets and family traumas. (I cried a few times while reading.) I wanted to yell at every single character to go to therapy to learn how to communicate, which was frustrating but also very realistic.
Many Love by Sophie Lucido Johnson: This memoir about a woman's relationship to, well, relationships, was an interesting probing into her path to polyamory. This book is a good intro-to-polyamory for those interested in exploring that specifically; but I was much more taken by her evolution from a person whose biggest priority was to be in a monogamous, heterosexual, romantic relationship into someone who places equal value in the different types of relationships she has with friends and various romantic/sexual partners. I find relationships, and how others approach emotional connection fascinating. (This is probably why I love dating reality television so much.)
Mask of Shadows by Linsey Miller: I love YA fantasy novels so much! This one was ... okay. There is a royal audition for the Queen's new assassin, and the protagonist is a thief named Sallot who actually has never killed someone before, but they want to take revenge on the nobles who allowed their hometown to be ravaged by some magical creatures that the Queen eventually vanquished. (That's why she's Queen.) The audition itself is interesting (and very violent) but the world-building is kind of messy, and there's a dumb romance tacked on that is unnecessary. But of course I'm going to read the sequel to SEE! HOW! IT! ENDS!
The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place: The Mysterious Howling by Maryrose Wood: This is the selection for my YA book club's next meeting. It's got a Series of Unfortunate Events lite vibe which is fine. It's Victorian-esque, and has at its protagonist a no-nonsense 15 year old girl who is tasked with being the governess of a trio of children that had been found in the woods by a rich man who decided to keep them. His new wife isn't thrilled with suddenly being the adopted mom of three children, especially ones with as peculiar habits as these three. It was an extremely light, quick read, but it feels fairly forgettable to me.
It's 2020 and nothing is different because time is an artificial construct, but welcome to the new year and I hope you are feeling well and excited and energized. I love you so much, truly.
davida