the slow and unyielding march of time | episode 25
Shortly after my last newsletter, I made my first ever Out of Office reply for my email, logged out of my work computer, and spent the next week on a true vacation, camping in the Northern Cascades. It was good timing; I had been feeling significant burnout at my job, and just general stress and inability to get things done. Being completely in nature and out of my element for a few days was extremely restorative, and it gave me an opportunity to miss my apartment and my kitty and my NYC friends and family in a way that I haven’t in a long time.
It didn’t feel surprising when I got home that suddenly I had the energy to start working out and set writing goals for the first time in ages. I joined a power-lifting gym that I’ve been pushing myself to go to three times a week (ow), started to make progress on this NaNoWriMo novel that’s been begging for a second draft, was practicing the ukulele regularly. I was cooking more for myself, and making sure I had vegetables in the fridge. (I like vegetables! And I feel good when I eat them.) I felt like I was finally creating habits out of the things I want to be habitual.
I felt really healthy and connected and able to handle my shit, and for absolutely no reason, in the past few weeks, that’s completely fallen off a cliff. I missed a day of writing because I didn’t want to stay up late doing it, and then poof, it feels like I’ve given myself implicit permission to keep missing days. The vegetables sit until they’re just on the edge of going bad, and meanwhile I’ve been mainlining plain crackers or spoonfuls of peanut butter. (If I’ve eaten at all.) I’ve kept going to the gym, but that’s largely because of external motivations; I sign up for the gym slots ahead of time, and if I don’t show the coach is going to know and wag a finger at me.
Why isn’t handling my own shit sustainable? Some of this is the state of the world. As the news gets worse, it feels harder and less worth it to take care of myself. The extreme heat isn’t helping. I had a really, really bad period that left me feeling nauseous and weak for days. But why can’t I create habits that are strong enough to be jostled but not outright halted by these pebbles of obstruction?
Grown-up life feels designed for nuclear families; a single person trying to eating regularly (let’s not even bring up healthily), having a social life and hobbies and stay connected with their family, but also get enough sleep and exercise to be able to function in a full-time job that allows them to pay their bills — well. As soon as something gets off-kilter, it feels hard to get claw everything else back into balance.
I’m not trying to garner sympathy or pity, I promise. I’m not struggling — at least, no more than anyone else. I just am so puzzled at my own inability to keep my apartment clean and my belly full for longer than a few weeks.
But I know what it looks like and feels like when I’m in that good groove, so I guess I’m just gonna pick myself up and try to get back into it. Writing this newsletter is writing; the streak is alive once again. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.
Debris:
Here’s the disclaimer part where I tell you that I know many people are juggling the same kinds of responsibilities PLUS kids. Whew. You superheroes. I just have a cat. A cat that is a picky eater and requires small meals 4+ times a day and daily pills, but still, just a cat.
I started replaying Mass Effect because they remastered the original trilogy, and the first one was kind of meh, and the leap of quality to the second one is really staggering! All I want to do right now is play more video games. This also doesn’t help with my healthy habits.
Going to the gym is really, really great. I missed weightlifting so much.
Biking to the gym has been horrible. The other day, it was so hot in direct sunlight that I gave an involuntary whimper every time I had to traverse from shade to sun.
I wrote code for my job! It’s the first time in almost a year. It felt fucking great. I’m still okay at writing code, hooray.
What I’ve Been Reading:
Finished:
The Girl in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware:
I read another Ruth Ware book! Lo Blacklock, a travel journalist, has been given the plum assignment of reviewing the maiden journey of an exclusive luxury cruise ship. Unfortunately, on the first night, she is awakened by a scream, and then shortly after, a loud splash — the sort of sound a dead body would make, hitting the water. She becomes convinced someone has been murdered, but there’s only one problem … no one is missing. This book spent a long time on Lo’s psychological state as she has a breakdown — she has general anxiety, an alcohol problem, and PTSD from a recent break-in — but as a reader, it never felt like we were supposed to doubt her narrative, so it fell a little flat for me. The twist (of course there is a twist) was better than in One By One, but as a whole this wasn’t as gripping for me, and the ending was extremely abrupt.
Questland by Carrie Vaughn:
The elevator pitch for this novel is, “Jurrasic Park, but nerds.” Harris Lang, a billionaire, bought an island and turned it into Insula Mirabilis, an island retreat where all your D&D and general fantasy dreams can come true. They’ve engineered unicorns and dragons and and wargs and a labrinth with giant spiders. Unfortunately, the employees have gone rogue and cut the island off from society via an energy field, so Lang sends in a team of ex-military contractors and Addie Cox, a fantasy lit professor … who is the ex of the project’s lead designer. The book was so action-packed and fast moving! It was in real stark contrast to Sabriel (see next), which was also a journey type of quest that spent wayyyy too long describing the movement but not the action. It’s fairly lightweight, but great easy summer reading.
Sabriel, by Garth Nix:
This month’s YA book pick, I’m not very deep into it yet. Sabriel, the protagonist, is a 17-year old young woman who died when she was born. Thankfully, her father is a necromancer and was able to bring her back before she got beyond the “first gate.” Now, her father has sent her a message (via an undead creature? ish?) that he is trapped and maybe bound in the death realm, and she has to travel back to her childhood kingdom to rescue him. I think. We’ve been reading a lot of magic-based YA for this club, and I feel a little oversaturated. Also, I thought it was kind of boring? The pace was … very slow.
A Master of Djinn, by P. Djèlí Clark
There are a lot of things to like about this steampunk, anti-colonial mystery in which Cairo is the center of the (1912) modern world — the return of magic has centered Egypt and forced colonizers to take a back seat. The world is colorful, the different types of magic are well-described, and don’t feel overwhelming, and I absolutely lvoe the Ministry of Alchemy, Enchantments and Supernatural Entities! Fatma el-Sha’arawi makes a great protagonist, and Clark’s world is peopled with well-thought out characters. However, I did feel like I was dropped in the middle of a narrative, not the beginning. I just learned that there are some novellas with the same characters — perhaps Clark leaned a bit heavily on those to establish some of the relationships. The only part that didn’t really land for me was the actual mystery; the clues were pretty ham-handed, so I figured out whodunit pretty quickly. But that’s ok! It’s a journey, or whatever. There are lots of nuanced (and some extremely on the nose) interrogations of themes like colonialism, racism, and the patriarchy, which is what I want in my fantasy worlds!
All Systems Red, by Martha Wells:
A bunch of people on the internet whose taste I trust have been yapping nonstop about the Murderbot diaries, so I decided to check them out. They were right; Murderbot rules. Murderbot is a SecUnit, a human-like construct that works security in an eerie, violent future. It’s hacked itself, and just wants to watch TV. But no one knows it’s gone rogue, so it keeps doing its job, bored as hell. But it gets a nice group of scientist clients doing research on a remote planet, when they start to realize they’re in the crosshairs of someone trying to rid the planet of all other lifeforms. Murderbot is a good SecUnit, so it pulls itself together to keep its humans safe. But it just wishes they would make less stupid decisions so it could go back to watching content. Murderbot is … surprisingly relatable, for a murderous android. I wonder if the next book will have a petition for a 4-day work week??? (It does not. I chomped through three of them already and would have read more except that they’re a queue at the library. They’re very short!)
Artificial Conditions, by Martha Wells:
I accidentally got the second Murderbot book first, because I put a bunch of them on hold at the library and didn’t bother to check if it was the first one before reading it. It didn’t matter! This book absolutely stood up on its own; unlike Djinn, it felt like I was dropped in the middle of Murderbot’s story, but it wasn’t like I had missed some part of the narrative, just that they were at that point, if that makes sense. Before Murderbot hacked itself, it flipped out on a job and murdered everyone. It’s memory was wiped, so it hacked itself partly to make sure it wouldn’t happen again, but also, are they responsible for the murder? It kind of just wants to watch more TV, but it goes on a quest to find out more, they team up with a suspiciously intelligent Research Transport vessel who helps them find their way back to the mining planet where The Incident happened. Along the way, Murderbot saves some clients from being murdered by an evil boss. And also watched a fuckton of content.
Rogue Protocol, by Martha Wells:
The company that fucked with Muderbot in the first book is back at its bullshit! Murderbot wants to bring GrayCris Corporation down, and so travels to a planet where they set up and then abandoned a terraforming expedition. Another company has made a claim on the abandoned station, and Murderbot hitches a ride on their security shuttle, hoping to learn more details that could bring GrayCris down. Instead, she gets drawn into once again acting as a security consultant for a group of humans (and their pet robot, Miki!) making terrible decisions if they’d like to stay alive. Murderbot is starting to learn that some humans care for robots. Like, a lot. That makes Murderbot feel some feelings!
Currently:
UGH I JUST WANT MORE MURDERBOTS. Cmon, library, give me Murderbot.
Nothing Personal, by Nancy Jo Sales:
I am pretty fascinated by the way people date; I’ve always watched a lot of dating show and currently watch the Bachelor/ette! So this book, a memoir about online dating by a woman who has reported widely on dating apps, seemed really appealing. Unfortunately it’s been boring so far! And full of what seems like pretty sad internalized sexism. Maybe she turns that around? Listen, I am not going to find out, because I am giving up on this book.
Oh hey, I did it! I wrote my newsletter. And you, perhaps, have read through it! Good work, both of us.
I love you so much. Feel good, be well.
<3
davida