the slow and unyielding march of time | episode 16
I have meant to write a newsletter every day for the past ... two weeks? At least? And then something happens in the news or in my life and my brain turns to mush and the day is done for. My sleep has gotten worse, reading has gotten difficult again, and I feel helpless to feed myself. I've been riding my bike a lot to try to keep my brain normal, and I am sure that's helping, but I seem to have a continual low-grade depression that I haven't experienced much of before. I'm up and functional (past depressions have confined me to the couch) and I can do things and have experiences, but I feel like I'm swaddled in a thick blanket. My therapist told me that depression can be a defensive mechanism; if I don't allow myself to care, I won't feel as much heartbreak at all the bad things. What a tough way to live. I love caring.
I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad for me; my life is pretty good, all things considered, but just to say; it's okay if you're struggling, we all are. Many things are bad right now, and maybe it'll get better but also maybe it won't.
Boy, this is uplifting stuff, huh! I had a rant ready to go about how bad capitalism is because the first company I worked for in tech finally got acquired, which I've been led to believe is the lodestar of VC-based capitalism, and all that happened was the execs got big payouts and the employees all got super fucked. But my heart's not really in it today. Then I got distracted by something that happened in my feminism class about opportunity costs and wrote some depressing shit about how maybe we're going about reforms all wrong and also I've backed out of that because, wow, even more depressing! So I'll save that for next time (something for you all to look forward to!) and instead write about some nice things.
My cat is doing better. She has cancer, but the, uhhh, good kind and she seems to be responding to treatment. It's wonderful to have a kitty that eats food again and jumps on me and glares and tries to catch birds through the screen window. Big shout-out to my sister Dori who held my hand through this whole process while I had approximately 3 meltdowns a day.
David and Rebecca and I went on a 25+ mile bike ride the other day, which is the furthest I've maybe ever gone? We went to Shirley Chisholm State Park, which is a really lovely park that was built on a landfill. That sounds glib but it's not; it's on Jamaica Bay, and has some really beautiful views of the water. There's a bike library that loans bikes to anyone. It also attaches to the Jamaica Bay Greenway, which is a pedestrian/bike trail that we took most of the way to Brighton Beach, where we ate Russian-Korean food on the beach.
I finally had a great burger! Burgers are bad takeout food, but thankfully it's still nice enough to sit outside, and I finally feel comfortable enough to go to restaurants and holy smokes eating at restaurants is so much better than takeout. I met up with Dave at The Happiest Hour where we only ate food that is bad for us. ALSO each table had a QR-code that you could scan so that you didn't have to order directly from a server if you didn't feel comfortable, and I texted it to Kevin, who send me a shot and a beer from 3k miles away. I got goofy drunk! Very occasionally technology is good!
I bought some lox from Russ and Daughters, which I assumed would be overrated but let me assure you it is not! It's beautiful. It's transcendent. I watched with (I'm sure) a creepy intensity as the guy sliced a pound of it for me, mesmerized at the thick-but-transparent slices, glistening with moisture. I open up the container of it and it smells so good my cat runs in from the other room and starts meowing. It's, um, good. (Their bagels *are* over-rated though.)
The Seattle Storm won their 4th title. Long-time subscribers may recall my very first newsletter was a fangirl account of having run into several members of the Storm at the airport when they were flying to a playoff game. I love that team so much and watching them play this year has been an indescribable joy. I'm so happy for them.
Also that means I've been writing this newsletter for a whole year! Rereading that first one, and I can't believe how much has changed since little baby Davida stood in that airport security line, unmasked, and told Jordin Canada she was a big fan. I'm a different person and it's a different world. (Although I still suffering anxiety from "the intersection of late-stage capitalism and patriarchy that underpins the foundation of our society"; that probably has gotten worse.) But writing this continues to be a joy, and all of you are amazing for subscribing and reading and responding. I'm so so lucky to have each and every one of you. Thank you for caring about me and this silly indulgence.
I've been writing letters to voters through Vote Forward, an org that makes it easy to write real-ass letters to voters in contested states to encourage them to vote. This particular get-out-the-vote model really spoke to me because I hate getting calls and texts from political organizations and letters are really the only thing that works for me, personally; and while I am sure many people react well to the calls/texts, this felt like a good way to reach people who are averse to those other forms of contact. I've been writing ten letters a day, and that makes me feel like I've accomplished ... something.
I start my new job! On Tuesday! Every minute that goes by makes it a weirder and weirder time to start working for the federal government. I am nervous and excited and hopeful.
Okay that list was not really a parallel list, but I'm not a professional editor anymore so I don't care.
What I've Been Reading:
Okay, so because of my brain fuzz, I have been reading some things but I also don't have the focus or attention span right now to write very much about them. So I am just going to list them and not do as much editorializing as usual.
Currently:
The White Book by Han Kang: By the author of "The Vegetarian," which I read sometime in the past year bc I vaguely remember listing it here. A beautiful book about grief.
Harrow the 9th by Tamysn Muir: So far I ... don't really understand what is happening in this book. I'm hoping I get more into it soon.
Legend by Marie Lu: I got this because I loved the Warcross/Wildcard series so much, and apparently there is a plague and a civil war, so maybe it's timely? We'll see.
I think there might be more but honestly I can't remember right now!
Finished:
Wildcard, by Marie Lu: I liked how this series ended! The algorithm was, indeed, buggy, although that wasn't the main villain.
Party of Two, by Jasmine Guillory: I cried at the end of this book even though it's just a goofy romance. Man, we need goofy romances right now.
The Faithless Hawk by Margaret Owen: Owns is a really good story-teller; she hosts a D&D podcast of YA authors called "Spellcheck" and really puts together a strong narrative. The problem about reading sequels as they come out, though, is that it's really hard to remember what happened in the last book! I should just read a synopsis when this happens.
Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon: Enjoyable characters, and a fun breezy writing style, BUT there's a twist in this book which changes everything, and is extremely traumatic and that kind of is ... not acknowledged or dealt with? It's also got some extremely able-ist views that were problematic and ... I'm sure not what the author intended but still were a bummer.
Thanks to you all for helping keep me normal; I love you all very very much.