the slow and unyielding march of time | episode 14
On and off for the past fifteenish years, I've volunteered at a reading and writing tutoring center called the Bureau of Fearless Ideas. (Formerly known as 826 Seattle; they rebranded when they declared independence from Dave Egger's 826 National network.) My role there has adapted as I've changed jobs and locations; I've tutored, worked events, chauffeured authors, copy-edited books and newsletter. I've developed lasting friendships (shout-out to Sahar, Teri, and Kurt! Hi y'all!) and it's led to some interesting professional opportunities. (A notable one: Eggers agreed to an interview because I was an 826 volunteer; he stood me up three times and then when I finally got him on the phone, he didn't want to talk about the book he was promoting. The now-defunct magazine I worked for *did* run an excerpt from What is the What, though!)
I've written, I think, about having started volunteering again in the past couple years, at a new satellite location at Yesler Terrace, and built some community bonds there; the kids are so funny and smart and kind and mean in that way that is incredibly endearing. It was a sad loss when I moved to NYC. But! Because of COVID, they've started doing online Zoom meetings, and I have been fortunate enough to attend.
Last week, we did an exercise that I can't stop thinking about. It's very simple. We wrote out all the feelings we were currently feeling -- I put down "relief," "sadness," and "frustration." Then we chose one or two, and wrote out the senses of those feelings.
Relief smells like the air after a downpour. Relief tastes like full-fat yogurt with tart berries and a hint of lemon. Relief looks like a baby bird that's just figured out how to unfurl her wings. Relief sounds like sunrise. Relief feels like one of those stretches where you lie on the ground and twist your whole body. It's only in the past few years I've started to be able to really notice and pay attention to my feelings; trying to think about them in a physical way feels like an extension of those lessons. The world feels really bad right now (Black lives matter! defund the police! fund USPS! register to vote!), and having some practice thinking actually thinking about the physical sensations of, say, sadness (being pulled underwater by a strong undertow!) helps me stay in, sit with and process them. I've learned that's really the only way for me to move forward.
Debris
I'm unemployed! The leadership at my company has acted in ways that are contrary to my personal values for a long time now, and they've finally crossed enough lines and cost me enough emotional energy that I couldn't do it anymore. This is the source of my above feelings -- I'm so relieved I don't have to fight with or be gas-lit by them anymore. I'm so sad to not be working with my wonderful friends and coworkers (shout-out to Maxime and Maggie, new newsletter subscribers!) on a product that I think is pretty cool anymore. I'm so frustrated that leadership drove me out; I wanted Boundless to be a long-term home.
I'm thankful to be privileged enough to enjoy unemployment. I've not had a job since Tuesday and I keep forgetting what day of the week it is. Let's get this universal basic income thing done so I can retire.
My wonderful friend Shadae and I started a blog about ice cream. If you've ever been like "Davida's writing is great but I wish it was exclusively about how hot it is in NYC right now (note: it's HOT) and the texture of ice cream," I invite you to check out Scoop Dreamz. (Sorry about the z. Scoop Dreams was taken.) All the design was done by Shadae, who is so amazing at making things pretty. (Have I mentioned how great she is?)
I bought a ukulele and started learning to play it. I can sort of play Fools Rush In, poorly but recognizably, AND the chords of Whistle by Flo Rida (but I still cannot rap) and I'm trying to learn "Just Can't Wait To Be King" from the Lion King but it's VERY hard. Email me requests!
Shadae just sent me and Calla this link of obscure emotions. Whew. So many of them feel very relevant right now.
What I'm Reading
Currently:
I just finished a book! I haven't started a new one yet! Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron just came in from the library. But I also could read Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir, which I bought for a reason I don't remember! (Cover quote: "Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space " --Charles Stross)
Recently:
The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett: Holy shit this book is so good and sad. Stella Vignes, having been passing for a year at her secretary job, abandons Desiree to fully embrace her Whiteness. "Stella became white and Desiree married the darkest man she could find." They both have daughters; Stella's is as light-skinned as she is, and Desiree's as dark as her husband. The consequences of a decision you make when you're 17 are unimaginable; sometimes the thing that feels like the easiest decision wraps you into an unbreakable spiderweb of lies. The novel spans the next 50 years of their lives, dipping in to those consequences, familial connections, and bigotry that envelops their worlds.
The Royal Holiday by Jasmine Guillory: You may remember Guillory from the last newsletter; I linked to a cool reading list of fiction written by Black authors she compiled. The Royal Holiday is a very fun romance! Maddie, a stylist of some renown, is hired to style a royal family member for a Christmas wedding; she agrees, and asks her mom Vivian to tag along to England so they can spend Christmas together. Vivian strikes up a flirtation with a hot, dignified man who just so happens to be the Queen's Personal Secretary. It's very charming and sweet and ultimately feels very emotionally real.
Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead by Sara Gran: We all know I love weird detective novels; I devoured this one in just a couple of days. (Thanks for the rec, Gita!) Claire DeWitt is, according to her, the best detective in the world. An impatient, solitary woman, she's a devout follower of Jacques Silette, an obscure detective who wrote a single book called Détection filled with enigmatic instructions like, "The mystery is a pathless land, and each detective must cut her own trail through a cruel territory." She returns to New Orleans in 2007, shortly after, as the locals call it, "the storm," hired to find out what happened to a vanished man. As she tries to unravel the mystery through sleuthing and mysticism, she also begins the process, perhaps, of unraveling the secrets in her own life. VERY twisty and fun.
Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman: Community is so important to me; friendships are the foundation of that. But while we have endless literature around how to communicate with our romantic partners or families, there's very few playbooks on how to work on our friendships. This book is the story of Sow and Friedman's friendship and the lengths that they've gone (and will continue to go) to ensure that they'll always be in each other's lives. It made me so grateful for all my friends!!!
Deathless Divide by Justine Ireland: Book 2 in the "What if the civil war didn't end because the north won, but because zombies attacked and everyone had to make an uneasy truce to fight the undead?" alternative history series. This feels like a book specifically for these times, since it explores racism and sexism and also there's a plague and a possible vaccine but general White incompetence is bringing the whole country down. There's also some exploration about what keeps us human, and when we're pushed to the brink, what brings us back to ourselves?
Quitter: A Memoir of Addiction, Relapse and Recovery by Erica C Barnett: Man, addiction is such a hard disease to deal with; not only do you have the disease, but your brain literally rewires itself to make you believe that you don't, despite obvious evidence to the contrary. The methods that we have to treat addiction don't work very well, or for all people; but there's a lot of messaging that if recovery (and specifically AA) doesn't work for you, you're the problem. Barnett's book, through her own story, examines and tries to rework that narrative to something more realistic. It's really amazing to me how matter-of-fact she can be while recounting some of her many rock-bottoms; it's a fascinating read, and I'm just stunned and amazed at anyone who manages to pull themselves out of addiction. It's truly a feat.
Wow, I read so many books. And all of them were good! If you're looking for anything to read, I recommend ... all of them.
I look forward to seeing how that relief, sadness and frustration changes and mutates over the course of the next few weeks. I hope that you are all feeling things that can grow and flower and inspire you in these dark times, or that at least maybe you can go eat some ice cream or go on a bike ride.
I love you all so very much. Thanks for reading. Until next time.
<3 <3 <3