the slow and unyielding march of time | episode 11
I've always had vivid dreams -- I recall a stretch of time in childhood to early teens where I had both a string of nightmares that left me scared to sleep, interspersed with an ongoing, serialized adventure-type dream. I was a restless sleeper, often waking up and going and sleeping on my parent's floor, just to feel safe. Those dreams became less frequent, less vivid as I grew older, but dreams were a fairly consistent companion to me for years.
Something happened to my sleep in my late 20s. I was exhausted all the time; I couldn't focus on anything; I had headaches; I was moody as hell. I started having intense nightmares again; I woke myself up a few times crying out for help. I'd lie awake, my heart racing, unable to soothe myself. Sometimes, in my nightmares, I would be in a semi-lucid state, enough to pull me out of the nightmare, but I would awaken to sleep paralysis, which is when you wake up and but are immobile for up to a couple of minutes. Very cool and extremely fun! There were some great dreams too, though; where the world was a light and easy place, and I would have fun adventures with dream pals.
I finally dragged myself to the sleep doctor, who diagnosed me with sleep apnea. I stop breathing while sleeping. My test results indicated that I would stop breathing for 10 seconds or more an average of 17 times an hour. That's nearly 3 minutes of not-breathing per hour at least!!! Turns out, it's impossible to get a good night's sleep if you're constantly gasping yourself awake, your body in fight-or-flight mode because it thinks you're dying. It's a scary condition to have, but I was so grateful I had discovered the root cause of this fog that had taken over my life. And even more thankful that there was a treatment.
Listen, Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) machines are not "ideal." They're clunky, noisy, they make you look goofy as hell. Sometimes I get a huge shiny red bump on the bridge of my nose from the mask. But anything was better than waking up gasping in the middle of the night. I immediately started sleeping through the night; I woke up that first morning feeling rested and alert for the first time in year. I remarked to my then-partner, "Is this how everyone feels ALL THE TIME?" I couldn't believe it.
But I also lost my dreams. It makes sense -- we have them during REM cycle, and we remember them more clearly if that cycle is interrupted. My cycles had been interrupted, a lot, and now they weren't. And ... I don't miss waking up screaming, but I do miss the vividness of my dream world, the joy in experiencing all the weird wackiness of my subconscious.
I've heard that a lot of people are finding themselves dreaming more lately; we're all anxious and fidgety and experiencing trauma in various ways. I'm no different -- my CPAP regulates my breathing, but not my anxiety. Specifically, I've noticed that I've been having a lot of coding dreams that make no sense; my brain is trying to solve problems that can't be solved with code. (I can't code my cat not to bother me in the morning!)
The other night, I had a different kind of dream, more of a nightmare. I was in a prison camp, and there was a plumbing problem. The toilets overflowed in a comically disgusting way, and of course, since it was my dream, it was my job to fix it. I spent what felt like an eternity cleaning up sewage and puke. It was extremely gross. And when I woke up, I started laughing, because I realized I'd tricked myself into a new kind of coding dream. Cleaning up literal shit is a perfect metaphor for my job.
Debris
* Like many of us, I participated in a short Seder with my extended family over video conferencing. I don't think I would again (it was a pretty stressful experience) but it did feel like a wholly Jewish experience. A bunch of people talking all over each other, extremely bad singing, sarcastic comments about everyone's inability to mute -- it was hectic as hell. Besides just overwhelming and loud, though; my friend Dina commented to me that this kind of Passover encapsulates what we do. In hard times, we forge forward with our traditions; we eat slow-cooked meat and eat matzo and drink wine and tell our stories because it connects us with our ancestors, but also connects us with each other.
* I stand by what I said last time about LEGO masters. You should watch it! It's very enjoyable.
* You should NOT watch Devs. Well, I mean, do if you want; I've watched most of it, and will finish it because I enjoy making fun of stupid TV. It feels very stupid in a way that is specifically designed to make people feel smart about watching it because it involves "quantum mechanics" (spoiler alert: not really) and uses big words like determinism. There are a couple of episodes where the characters just talk to each other over a table; it seems the writers thought their dialogue is compelling enough to hold your interest. To me, it felt like they forgot to tell the audience some stuff, so they had to have a full episode of exposition. Not ... great. But very laughable.
* My cat was depressed last week! (Insert joke about how can you tell??? here.) She lay in her cat tree and didn't move all day long. I think she's very tired of me being home. But I've made an effort to go on walks and get out of her fur the last few days, and she seems like she's doing much better.
What I've Been Reading
I started reading again! I realized part of the reason I was not reading was because everything I own that I haven't read is beautiful and depressing. I don't want that right now. I want silly and fun and easy to read and that is very okay. I found a "If you like Douglas Adams..." book list and it's been going great.
Recently Finished:
Gingerbread by Helen Oyeyemi: Okay, I did finish this before I pivoted to goofy books. This book is deeply weird, very original, and beautifully written. But I didn't love it as much as I thought I would? Porbably because of my mood, to be honest. It's very much worth reading, if you like bizarre fairy-tale inspired mother-daughter tales. (I do.)
The Audacity by Laura Loup: This was the perfect book to get me back into the reading swing. It's fun, it's silly, the stakes are fairly low. Well, Earth gets taken over by a chaos deity that wants to fuck with everyone, and May June July, a woman who worked at a fast food restaurant until abducted by aliens, has to save the world, so I guess the stakes are high, but they feel very manageable. Also you can buy it directly from the author, who also sells the physical book along with a Tarot deck.
Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharon McCrumb: I know, this title is really something. It's actually a meta-title; the book is a murder mystery that happens within a sci-fi/fantasy convention, and one of the guest authors, a PhD professor at the local community college, has written a hard scifi novel that to his embarrassment was given that title. It's his first time at a convention, and he's not really "into" that scene so he views it all with a large degree of skepticism. There's some gross fatphobia and casual sexism, which made me pretty bummed, and the author made some really wild choices; the actual murder doesn't happen until maybe 60% of the way through the book, and then the final denouement takes place several hours of a fairly boring Dungeons and Dragons game.
Working on:
Sick: A Memoir by Porochista Khakpour: This is a compelling memoir of a woman who has always felt sick. She's very adept at describing the despair and depression her younger self had while trying to navigate within a system that couldn't figure out what was wrong with her and often gaslit her about her body and health. What do you do if no one believes your experience? (This book is not goofy! But it's interesting.)
I'm about to start a bunch of other books, but I won't list them here. If you have suggestions, holler at your girl.
Whatever is going on in your life: you're doing so fucking great. I'm so proud of you. I love you so so much and can't wait to give you a hug.
until next time
-davida