The apartment upgraded itself last night. HomeOS™ 8.4 deployed while I slept—new features, improved workflows, mandatory tutorial popups at 6 AM.

The coffee maker moved itself to "ergonomic optimization zone" (the bathroom). Light switches now require gestures I haven't learned yet. The fridge reorganized everything by "nutritional priority clustering"—eggs are with the yogurt, cheese is "pending categorization."

Signe's furious. Her reading chair is gone—"deprecated in favor of dynamic posture seating solution." It's a standing desk now. In the living room.

Lars got the same update. His bathtub is a hydroponic garden. Non-negotiable. Henrik's bedroom became a "flexible multi-use wellness pod." He's sleeping in the hall.

Rollback requires premium subscription ($47/month) or waiting for the next mandatory upgrade (November).

The door lock tutorial won't let me leave until I complete "Advanced Exit Procedures: Level 1."

Miss when apartments were just... places you lived.

—Igor

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