Dear Morten,

The ficus died. PlantCare™ 3.2 optimized watering schedules based on "soil microbiome sentiment analysis" and leaf moisture blockchain verification. Needed 40-minute firmware update mid-drought. Notification said "Your Ficus benjamina is experiencing suboptimal hydration engagement—upgrade to Premium for real-time intervention alerts!"

Henrik's succulent requires daily mood check-ins. Lars's herbs got flagged for "non-compliance with growth trajectory expectations." His basil filed an incident report.

The watering can is manual. Feels like cheating. PlantCare dashboard shows my "botanical empathy score" at 23%, dating app updated automatically.

Remember when plants just... died quietly without generating data?

Igor

P.S. Bought cactus. It arrived with Terms of Service.

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