October 5, 2022

Oiltober

A small chat about painting and fear

Hello everyone!

This month, I have decided to try and do four completed oil paintings as a challenge for October! I know of course that October is the month of art challenges, it’s always exciting to watch everyone do their best to complete the daily challenges, but this year I felt that it would be more beneficial for me to focus on oil painting, giving myself more time to learn but with a definite deadline in which to complete the pieces.

I have always felt that having a definitive deadline is helpful when you need to bring something to the finish. It is very easy for me to tinker away forever until eventually, it is horribly overworked. This is especially true of oil painting. I think my urge to be a good painter forces my oil paintings into a shape that does not feel indicative of my own voice. I hope, and feel quite strongly, that completing this challenge and having four more completed paintings under my belt will assist me in making steps towards creating oil paintings that feel a lot more like me.

Carol Marnie’s book, Daily Painting, is something that really resonated with me. The idea is to paint small and often in order to learn more and get out of your own head - something I indeed struggle with a lot. Back when I first read this book in, I believe, 2016, I had never done an oil painting in my life. This book was the encouragement I needed to just get down and do it - and it remains that encouragement today when I get caught up on my own fear and struggle to put anything on the board.

I would be remiss not to thank my friend, and fellow artist Vulgar Superstitions for her lending me her photographs to reference for this project. She is also an incredible model and has worked creatively with excellent photographers to capture incredible pieces and I am so grateful for her trust!

I have also been looking at the artist Thali Demeter’s work. As I mentioned in my last newsletter, I have been increasingly attracted to showing nature in my work but am still not fully sure how to embark on this. Thali’s work is a beautiful mix of soft, delicate natural pieces, with a very human touch. I deeply enjoy their work and how gentle it feels. In some ways, it reminds me of the art of Rachel Gregor. Both of these artists are quite incredible.

The nights and mornings are much colder now, and the dark has crept in. We haven’t yet reached the 4pm nights but they’ll be here soon enough, and as always I am anticipating them with both trepidation and excitement. This is the way the world turns, seasons and cycles. Dark and light. Samhain is coming - it is my favourite time of year. We will be welcoming the dark half soon enough, and we will have our fire festivals and baking to bring warmth into our homes. Halloween baking is something I adore. I love when my little flat fills with the smell of apples and sugar, when the bite of cinnamon and clove is decorating the air. I promise to share some of those tasty treats over this month with you all, and maybe soon, I will even share some of my poetry. I have always been nervous to share my writing, and I am certainly not an accomplished poet, but this is the season of change.

In the spirit of spooky, something I have been thinking about lately is that I am afraid that if my art fundamentally changes, the people who have been interested in my work up until now will stop. Of course, that is absolutely their right. If a certain kind, or style of art, is no longer feeding you, then of course you can remove yourself from it and find something that resonates better. But of course, on the other hand, that is the same for artists too. What happens when your own way of working no longer feeds you? What do you change? And what if you isolate the people who have supported you to this point?

It all feels a bit of a precarious leap. Like leaning too far one direction tips you over the tightrope, and there is no safety net beneath you. It’s hard to work through those feelings, and I do feel, that no matter how large or how small your audience is, that pressure to preform persists regardless. No one wants to feel like they are letting anyone down.

Then, serendipity stepped in, and provided my youtube recommendations with this video by Alphonso Dunn.

I am a self taught painter, and here he lays out quite rightly the stagnation that can occur when you sit for too long in your comfort zone, which as someone who wants to continue to strive for my personal best, is absolutely something I want to avoid.

So I ask myself, and you, who is reading this, what do you avoid out of fear? What are you not giving yourself wholly to because you are afraid of the outcome? And ultimately, how is this fair to you yourself? Or your goals? Can we choose to be brave?

I like to think we can. I like to think we can choose courage, and honour our fear, but still do the scary thing anyway. I am afraid of oil painting, which feels so silly writing it out like this. I am afraid of how it will turn out, and what people will think, and mostly of my own disappointment because I do not have a clear vision for what I want my oil paintings to be. But, to overcome this, I must paint.

I am looking forward to sharing my first Oiltober piece with you all!