✷ spooky greetings ✷

greetings from this blustery day in my chilly office where i am in the early stages of listening to this new ther song on repeat for hours. i don't remember if heather gets this newsletter, but i welled up a bit on the first listen. their songs always get me, and i need to talk about it, so:

the catcher's ready
I am not
I am crying
over whiskey

what an absolute mood. and it hits harder since i was just in philly having a great but weird time, bookended by an especially fucked up visit with family. (for fellow non-sports people, the philadelphia phillie's played in philly over the weekend).

stuck inside
the in between
of then and now
and everything

also hard-hitting. oddly enough, i haven't been in philly since the last time i visited heather. this time i was there to see a band that i used to see at every available opportunity 10 years ago. i saw some people i haven't seen since, and i've been reflecting a lot on what's different and what's still the same.

they say that life
is just like baseball only longer
but I disagree
cuz only pigs are on tv
and no one's watching over me

what a heartbreaking conclusion to a beautiful song. anyway, hi! i don't even remember what i did this month prior to my trip, so here it goes. 

✷ flying solo ✷

traveling alone was difficult and freeing. i navigated the parts i was anxious about with unexpected ease. once i was on the plane, i started writing. i won't say a ton here because i don't wanna spoil a future zine, but getting into town was triumphant. i was intercepted by friends and greeted with a roburrito. the time i spent with friends was perfect and i needed it. i explored my old haunts, spent time with the little bit of family who respects me, and saw algernon in philly. i ate at not one, but two diners.

unfortunately this visit really highlighted the stark contrast between chosen family and family of origin for me. growing up, my parents placed a big significance on family. we're italian. my dad is an immigrant. "blood is thicker than water" was a common thing to hear when i was combatting them as a teen with questionable love interests (i love that this oft referenced quote is shorten to have the exact opposite meaning of the full quote, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”)

i've been hurt and disappointed by my parents reaction to my coming out every visit prior to this one. this time, i was just angry. i love them, but they've never been particularly understanding people. i feel fundamentally different from them, in the way that i approach relationships, emotions, and mental health. i see my vulnerability as a strength, though i was raised to see it as weakness.

after years of politely correcting my mom, after writing them a letter and making a zine to help them out, i had yet to raise my voice. i told myself i was just going to let it go, but towards the end of the trip, i was at breaking point. i yelled and cried, and it took me getting angry and giving an ultimatum about our relationship for my mom to even entertain the idea of putting in an effort. and the onus was on me, to call her on her "she's" immediately. very conveniently at the end of my visit. so she's off the hook for another year. i didn't even try to broach the topic with my dad, since we've only ever talked past each other in conflict. this happened after i returned the rental car, so i spent the rest of that day dysregulated and stuck at their house. then my dad came home for dinner and we pretended everything was fine. "generative conflict" is a foreign concept there.

it's become abundantly clear that i need to draw some personal boundaries to protect my energy around my family of origin. it's a major fucking bummer. i used to have a good relationship with them, but the past few years have been awful really. i can't even express how grateful i am to have chosen family that sees me, loves me, and supports me.

✷ zine news ✷

throw another unfinished zine on the pile. i wrote about my trip and all the things i did to anxiously prepare for flying solo. maybe it'll be a new issue of wanderer? maybe a wanderer 8.5?

i started illustrating my chest dysphoria zine. if you ever wanted to see my tits in line drawing form, it's your lucky day! i'm hoping i can finish this one up before the holiday rush hits.

zine ideas just keep coming to me. it's a shame i never have enough time to execute them!

the family recipe zine submission call is out there in the wild now, too (meaning i put it on instagram). in case you need a refresher: i'm looking for any kind of recipe, so long as it has some familial significance (chosen fam or family of origin both count). folks can also send me accompanying photos and/or stories related to the recipe(s). no deadline for now, email stuff to burndowntheinternet@gmail.com (you can reply here too).

✷ new stuff in the shop ✷

several prints on brown, tan, hot pink and spearmint paper respectively. all of them say, "take a break before the break takes you!!" in bold script. the two exclamation points make a smiley face.

i've been slowly, quietly adding new stuff to the shop. there's a handful of new prints, and i'll be adding a couple new stickers shortly. consider this your reminder that things get bonkers towards the end of november for us small business people, so the earlier you get your orders in, the better. and please be kind when usps is invariably delayed and losing shit left and right.

i'm still open for commissions and small bulk orders at the moment, so long as there's no tight deadline involved. this will probably change towards the end of november and resume sometime in january.

✷ fucking hurray ✷

✷ i flew by myself for the first time!
✷ i've created a life i'm relieved to come home to, where i'm surrounded by people who love and accept me
✷ algernon cadwallader was a great time, and it was heartening to see nick so overjoyed, since they're his favorite and he'd somehow never seen them in the early days
✷ it turns out i can do hard things
✷ i put this newsletter out on time this month
✷ i'm excited to carve pumpkins with naomi and company this weekend, as is tradition

thanks for reading! til next time.

love,
alyssa

~ past perzine newsletters ~