★ hey y'all,

i hope this letter finds you well. it's hard to believe that july is drawing to a close. in some ways it feels like i hit pause on my life at the end of february. i miss socializing in person. most days still feel surreal, like we're in some sort of parallel reality or bad dream. driving through downtown on some rare occasion i left my bubble, i couldn't help but be struck by the juxtaposition of boarded up shop windows sporting murals honoring the loss of numerous black lives, and the people in masks out and about, enjoying their iced coffees. every time i venture beyond my zone, i find myself having to process all over again. the overlapping trauma of this pandemic and the ongoing, blatant disregard for black life (and violent assault on protesters by the police) is huge. the effects are going to be long lasting for all of us, but especially for black folks.

i've been thinking a lot lately about reparations. i'm strategizing how i can go beyond just casually donating and sharing, and instead dedicate some amount of money or part of my income monthly to bipoc. i haven't worked out all the details yet, but i did come across this neat site called leveler.info that allows you to donate to individuals directly and hyper-locally. i also put some hours into a messy google doc where i've been compiling qtbipoc orgs to donate to for my personal reference. maybe it'll be helpful for you, too.

★ zine news

i finished the second issue of the "problem" skin zine this month, after much delay. it's 5 bucks, 24 pages with a color card stock cover. the first edition is hand-bound with embroidery floss and printed in color. i printed some limited copies of the 1st issue to bundle with it, but those sold out already. if you happen to be interested in the 1st issue or a bundle of the 1st and 2nd, let me know. this new issue includes entries on acne, rosacea, eczema, psoriasis, chronic urticaria, skin discoloration, darier disease, excoriation (skin picking) and other unspecified skin struggles. cw: mentions of blood, scars, self harm, ptsd, compulsive behaviors, sexual assault, r*pe.

★ 2 hot 4 etsy

etsy very kindly removed my "be gay do crimes" stickers and buttons (which subsequently took my entire button listing of 36 pins down with it) for "encouraging violence." it was a big punch to my income since that design was my best seller before it got deactivated. etsy also pulled a burning prison design by matt gauck that he was using to raise money for black lives matter, among other designs of his. needless to say, i'm very disappointed in etsy. i'm relieved redbubble isn't drawing similar lines in the sand. since i still have some be gay do crimes stickers on hand, i moved them (and the pins) over to craftordiy.shop, where i will sell anything that is too hot for etsy from here on out. i'm not stoked about the fees associated with squarespace commerce (where the shop is hosted) so i may end up switching to storenvy soon. the url will remain the same.

★ putting the 'gay' in engagement

kyle and i have decided to let the state meddle in our relationship. this is mostly for practical reasons, but i'm excited nonetheless for the symbolic intertwining of lives part. and to have the least traditional celebration that either of our families have ever seen, once it's safe to do so. i will so dearly miss the occasional family member referring to them as my "friend" despite us owning a home together and being committed to each other for close to 7 years.

i'm hoping to be more 'out' (as non-binary, i'll keep asexuality and polyamory to myself for now) to my immediate family by then, so i can enjoy my day of bliss (or life, really) without being repeatedly misgendered. i'm planning to present them with a zine about how to support a family member who has come out as non-binary. if you're nonbinary and have any advice or would like to participate in my research, there's a google form here. i'm drafting chapter headings and dumping thoughts into a google doc right now, it's gonna be a doosie.

★ in closing

july has been a pretty rough month for me. it has nothing on june's difficulty, but i've been finding myself stuck in a stress/pain/insomnia loop. it seems like my baseline, neutral setting is stressed out, even when there's no immediate stressor present. it's exhausting, especially now. i recently listened to an episode of brene brown's podcast "unlucking us" where she was talking to an enneagram researcher. he was describing one of the types and summed it up by saying, "it's a shame, 1's show up 5 minutes early and feel like they're 10 minutes late." it was a huge oof moment for me, that is my entire life. the podcast has been a real comfort, if you haven't heard of brene, she's an author who focuses primarily on vulnerability and shame.

stress be damned, i've been trying to practice self-compassion and do self-care things. my favorite tiny act of self care this month has been visiting the chickens down the street from my house. there are a ton of chickens in my neighborhood, but i find these chickens in particular very chill and pleasant to be around. their quiet chattering is soothing to my soul for some reason. i'm also reveling in the victory of having tall, beautiful sunflowers this year, despite them getting murdered by squirrels every previous at this house (huge thanks to buds aggie and naomi for the sunflower starts).

i hope you're all hanging in there and taking care <3

love, alyssa

~ past perzine newsletters ~