★ greetings from the weird liminal space

let me cut right to this bit. if you are a creative person and you don't feel inspired to do anything other than survive right now, that is absolutely valid and i am right there with you. i've been spending a lot of time just being- being on my bike, being in the garden, being in front of the tv. my phone feels like a conduit for anxiety, and i've been doing the social media equivalent of hiding in my house with the blinds drawn. i deleted the facebook app and turned off almost all push notifications for the first time since owning a smart phone. i tend to bake when i feel like my life is falling apart, and i've made 3 batches of muffins, a dozen cookies, 3 batches of granola and a chocolate banana bread over the last 6 weeks. that should give you an adequate picture of where i'm at these days.

but there have been moments of hope and joy too. getting desparate and being lonely on main led me to talk to three different friends on the phone in one day. i don't know about y'all, but when my mental health is on a not-so-even-keel, i find it really hard to identify my needs, let alone ask for them to be filled. i feel fortunate to have so many friends who are willing to listen to me whine. spring is my favorite time of year, and while the plants are still doing their thing, i've been feeling in a rut. restless and desperate to shake things up. my old formulas for escaping the doldrums mostly aren't possible in quarantine, so i have my magnifying glass out, trying to figure out other ways to cultivate that shift in mood. leaving my neighborhood to go spend time in nearby woods had me feeling like a whole new person this week.

speaking of feeling like a whole new person, i quit my job today. they asked me to come back to work, and i couldn't bear the thought of going in there and making stickers that say "wash your paws" for assholes to buy off of amazon when i can't even hang out with my friends. it'd be a cruel joke if my only socialization in this strange new world was going to a job i've wanted to quit for over a year. being self employed has been an aspiration of mine since i was a teenager and became cognizant of folk punk (no bosses, no masters). this was a calculated risk (the only kind i take) and i ultimately trust my decision even though my inner monologue has a lot to say about it. my dad is an immigrant and entrepreneur, who constantly has his hands in a hundred projects; i can hear his voice in my head asking me why the fuck i quit my job without lining up another, and in this hypothetical conversation my retort is, "i learned it from you!"

wingnut dishwashers union came on my spotify radio the other day (blast from the past) and a verse from "my idea of fun" jumped out at me:

"Like if you don't want to work, then that becomes your job
There's a lot of overtime, there's not many days off
I hope you know that I'm not trying to complain
It just gets hard to explain to people that I know, or kids who come to shows
That I just don't want to talk about the office today"

i'm prepared for this to be my full-time reality, vs. my part-time reality. if you're curious what type of freelance stuff i'm doing, it's detailed on my website. i have some design work on my plate right now, and i'd love to keep it that way!

★ jobs schmobs!

since i don't drink anymore and i wanted to celebrate quitting my job somehow, i pioneered a new gluten free vegan chocolate chip peanut butter cookie recipe as a treat. then i wrote all my fears and insecurities on a piece of paper and set it on fire in the yard while blaring "no rest for the whiney" by btmi!

★ zine stuff!

i have a few ideas in the works. i'm hoping to start a patreon with a sliding scale zine subscription where folks who signed up would get any new zines i make mailed to them or sent digitally before the general public gets to see 'em. it would also grant access to a digital archive of my out-of-print zines (over 40 titles, i counted the other night). i'm sure i'll dream up more goodies for that as i go. i'm planning to have the low end of the sliding scale be $5 a month (i wanna make something available for as little as $1 though). y'all will certainly be hearing about it.

in other zine news, i have a zine about how to brew kombucha in the works. also wanderer issue 6 is now available in my etsy shop and over at antiquated future distro. my therapist gave it a glowing review today.

in case you haven't seen it, i put out a submission call for a new "problem" skin zine (can you believe the other one is like 3 years old or something now?!).

★ hope & stuff!

i've been remembering that i have tools to fight despair. listening to nana grizol helps. jeff rosenstock/btmi! and ramshackle glory help too. comedy majorly helps- jenny slate's "stage fright" special on netflix, new episodes of what we do in the shadows on hulu, maria bamford's stand up on spotify.

i've been making a massive, ongoing list of my favorite diy music here if you're looking for new (or old) music for your ears.

how are you fighting despair? is anyone else having really bizarre dreams? bake/cook/art anything you're proud of lately? any personal triumphs to speak of (especially in terms of doin' a good self care?) want a virtual high-five? i would love to hear from y'all. i hope you're taking care.

love, alyssa