I was helping my oldest with some relationship questions yesterday. She’s been dating a few different guys but wants to explore a serious relationship with one of them. That means she needs to turn the other guy down. Cue the crisis! As we were talking, I realized the biggest pain point for my daughter was her fear that the other guy would be hurt, or worse, get mad at her. I helped her build up the courage to send him a text message and even helped write the first draft. After the text was sent, she replied to me with a screenshot of his response, which ended up being very positive.

I share this because the whole interaction reminded me how much we change in how we perceive ourselves and others as we get older. One of the very best parts of middle age is that you stop caring so much about what other people think of you. You also start to reconnect with parts of yourself that have been neglected or long forgotten. The “rat race” or “keeping up with the Joneses” starts to lose its appeal. Your mind and the universe begin reminding you that your time here is limited. Brené Brown summed this up beautifully:

I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.

That “armor” that’s preventing you from growing into your gifts may also be preventing you from growing into the relationship you’ve always wanted. I’m one of those weirdos who found dating at midlife to be a more positive experience than it was in my early twenties. Everyone has been through some shit—whether it’s divorce, death, financial difficulties, or illness. Most people at our age know what they want out of a relationship and aren’t afraid to ask tough questions. But what do you do if you’re still trying to figure out what it is you want?

I recently read Who’s Driving Your Car? which is focused on finding a fulfilling career but I think the metaphor the author shared can be applied to relationships as well.

You picture your inner voices as if they are all passengers in a car. You should picture where everyone is seated in the car and then ask yourself the following questions:

• Who is driving your car and why?

• Who else has a loud voice and is in the front seat?

• Who did you stuff in the trunk? Why are they there?

• What would happen if you took them out of the trunk and put them in the driver’s seat?

You can have conversations with the people in the car. Ask one of them why they’re in the back seat, or why they’re driving the car.

Our relationships, romantic or otherwise, are just reflections of who’s driving our car at any given time. For much of my own life my people-pleasing side had control of the steering wheel. People-pleasing is based in fear, and when fear’s behind the wheel, we play small. When courage takes over, we open ourselves to connection. Maybe midlife is when we finally realize that the car has always been ours to steer. And maybe it’s time to let someone else take the wheel.