Thank you to Austin Kleon for making me aware of an article from Oliver Burkeman at The Guardian, “eight secrets to a (fairly) fulfilled life”. I love it when people have the gift of being able to distil complex topics into easy to understand language.

When stumped by a life choice, choose “enlargement” over happiness. I’m indebted to the Jungian therapist James Hollis for the insight that major personal decisions should be made not by asking, “Will this make me happy?”, but “Will this choice enlarge me or diminish me?” We’re terrible at predicting what will make us happy: the question swiftly gets bogged down in our narrow preferences for security and control. But the enlargement question elicits a deeper, intuitive response. You tend to just know whether, say, leaving or remaining in a relationship or a job, though it might bring short-term comfort, would mean cheating yourself of growth. (Relatedly, don’t worry about burning bridges: irreversible decisions tend to be more satisfying, because now there’s only one direction to travel – forward into whatever choice you made.)

This is somewhat related to an article I wrote concerning change. We’re just as terrible at predicting and embracing change as we are what will ultimately make us happy. This is incredibly important for those of us who struggle with anxiety. It is said that depression lives in the past while anxiety lives in the unknown future. Making choices that will result in change can be terrifying but it’s the only way to move forward and not look back at your life filled with regret.

Doing the thing when we're scared actually has the effect of reducing our stress and anxiety when we're faced with future choices. Anxiety tells your brain, “This is unsafe!” even when it’s just uncomfortable. When you take action anyway, and nothing catastrophic happens, your brain updates its internal map.

Avoidance keeps anxiety strong. Every time we avoid something scary, our brain gets rewarded with relief, reinforcing the idea that avoidance = safety.
Doing the thing despite anxiety breaks that cycle.
Repeated exposure (in small, tolerable doses) teaches your body that anxiety can rise and fall without needing to run away from it.

I know, it's much easier said than done. For some of us (me included) this is going to be a lifelong pursuit, but pushing through the fear and anxiety does work, it does get better.

The advice you don’t want to hear is usually the advice you need. I spent a long time fixated on becoming hyper-productive before I finally started wondering why I was staking so much of my self-worth on my productivity levels. What I needed wasn’t another exciting productivity book, since those just functioned as enablers, but to ask more uncomfortable questions instead.

I could write an entire article on the self-help industry. I too was one stuck on the hamster wheel of constantly looking for ways to improve myself. You don't need a guru, you need to be honest with yourself, and you need to take action. That's where inspiration and true change lives, in the doing of the thing.

Side note: watch this incredible video regarding the self-help industry.

The broader point here is that it isn’t fun to confront whatever emotional experiences you’re avoiding – if it were, you wouldn’t avoid them – so the advice that could really help is likely to make you uncomfortable. (You may need to introspect with care here since bad advice from manipulative friends or partners is also likely to make you uncomfortable.)

One good question to ask is what kind of practices strike you as intolerably cheesy or self-indulgent: gratitude journals, mindfulness meditation, seeing a therapist? That might mean they are worth pursuing. (I can say from personal experience that all three are worth it.) Oh, and be especially wary of celebrities offering advice in public forums: they probably pursued fame in an effort to fill an inner void, which tends not to work – so they are likely to be more troubled than you are.

It’s really easy to get stuck in the trap of reading about all the things you should be doing rather than just doing them. I should know. I’m an expert over-thinker.

Preparing to do the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Scheduling time to do the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Making a to-do list for the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Telling people you’re going to do the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Messaging friends who may or may not be doing the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Writing a banger tweet about how you’re going to do the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Hating on yourself for not doing the thing isn’t doing the thing. Hating on other people who have done the thing isn’t doing the thing. Hating on the obstacles in the way of doing the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Fantasising about all of the adoration you’ll receive once you do the thing isn’t doing the thing.

Reading about how to do the thing isn’t doing the thing. Reading about how other people did the thing isn’t doing the thing. Reading this essay isn’t doing the thing.

The only thing that is doing the thing is doing the thing.

Every time you act through fear, you retrain your brain to trust courage over comfort. So do the thing.