WRITING FROM THE UNDERTOW
Grief waves and rip tides
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I am bewildered by all that surrounds me. Portals are opening at every turn, every pivot, every new day. Death surrounds, birth surrounds me, forgiveness surrounds me.
I started writing my book again, a book I started writing in February 2021 and then put down last July. I tried to look at it in December but the grief wave began and grief and my long form writing practice have always been at odds with each other. A dance with self pity and self sabotage and self seeking fear, I eagerly await desire’s return, it does not and I turn toward other work.
I promise every book that I write that I will not make it pay for my life, that I will not let it solve all of my problems, that I will let it unfurl slowly from my fingers as an act of providence, an act of god.
Nothing will happen if I don’t write this book. If I do write this book, the book I am already writing, I will keep learning about what I need to know more about. I will discover more about what it is that has finally pulled me back in an insatiable way.
Book writing as beloved
My heart is so tethered to love lately, to letting the grief wave pull me out as long as it needs to. The rip tide sneaks in to bring me to shore over and over again and I declare : I trust myself. To listen in closely, to know what I need, to reach a hand out, to be peaceful rather than right. Self forgiveness as the homework of my life, forgiveness of others sweeps in and they do for each other what they could not do on their own.
Trusting the grief wave never gets easier, but being nicer to myself on the way in does. For that I am grateful, for gratitude brings me to my knees.
On my knees I pray, relieve me of self pity, self sabotage, and self seeking fears. May there be no reason to write this book other than to write it. To luxuriate in its pages and in its essence. May it help no one but me, may its inevitable service be undecided, may it be written from the undertow.
Brittney Griner Is Trapped and Alone. Where’s Your Outrage? By Roxane Gay - Staying loud and present about this, staying in the hope and action of her homecoming
To the city of, the people of, the bricks of, the art of, the gardens of, the dogs of, the landscape of, the water of Detroit : I love you. Michigan seems but a dream to me now, to be of this place is to be of myself.
UPSTATE ART BOOK FAIR! This weekend Saturday July 23 in Kingston, NY - Oh what I would give to be there :) Or … do I hop on a plane? #gemini
The quilt section of John King Books is unlike anything else in the whole world - I got SO MANY books and am excited to share them soon
Speaking of I have visions for a : resource list, a book list, maybe a “How to Start A Quilt when you don’t want to do anything” pdf - sound off in the COMMENTS I LEFT THE COMMENTS ON
We all saw this right?
I started reading World As Lover, World As Self by Joanna Macy and I have barely recovered from the first chapter my life is changed
I don’t recommend getting divorced but I do recommend having an ex-husband whose love for you is built on unbroken vows and a dedication to building real intimacy - Below is some of John’s dreamy new age music and a podcast we once recorded about our relationship post marriage and after we had lived together as platonic creative partners running an artist residency. No special anniversary today just really grateful for his artistry and care in this world, his devotion to his partner, and his brightness for community connection - PLUS he gave me his first tomato off the vine a few days ago and that’s love / putting up with my bullshit for eleven years!
9. Social media lately wow! Y’all been on there? WOOOOOOF! I mean wow. I love to be addicted to stuff but it’s almost scary enough to not be addicted anymore? Am I making sense? Why do they keep showing me Christian families with 7 kids living in a bus? I don’t know but I keep looking and perhaps that is WHY IT STAYS SCARY HAHAHAHAHA - But really I find myself able to TUNE OUT of the screen the scarier it gets which I suppose is a beautiful blessing
10. I got the Baggu carry-on cloud bag and it is the perfect size for a weekend trip
A portion of July’s paid subscriptions goes towards The Fountain Street Church Choice Fund
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