On Valentine’s Day I woke up early and took the pieces of the quilt I am working on to the beach. I laid them out piece by piece while the rock hunters passed me by. It hadn’t occurred to me how fitting the red and pink fabric was for the day, and one person asked if I was preparing for an engagement. Just to myself, I answered.
Something that never ceases to amaze me is my ability to shapeshift, my comfort in changing forms, my desire for undoing and then buttoning it all back up for a new satisfaction. I undid parts of the quilt, rearranging it in the sand and seeing new ways that I wanted it to be. I sat there for a while, photographing it and the space, and let myself really relish in my creation.
As I headed back to the trail to my car a woman passed me by and yelled DID YOU LEAVE ANYTHING FOR ME I’M LATE! I realized she must be there to look for rocks and I let her know I was just there to photograph patchwork pieces of my quilt. She looked confused and I assured her that the beach would never run out of rocks.
I stopped at the market in town and bought myself a dozen white roses and chocolate covered cherries and headed back home.
Later in the day a friend came over to go for a walk and in our effortless laughter it occurred to me what I am really looking for is companionship. Not love or romance or partnership or friendship or platonic intimacy but companionship. I am looking to be in a holy matrimony with what is right in front of me. This friend, my dog, the blanket I am working on, the quilt squares billowing in the wind.
In this search for companionship I can get it twisted with filling the void of what I didn’t get at age nine or age fifteen or age three or age whatever Cody was when they weren’t attuned in the way they needed to be. So I can turn to shopping or food or drugs or dreams or fantasy or I can turn to : companionship.
I feel a great companionship with the hearth of my home, with my new deep soaking bathtub, a phone call to a friend, the meadow behind my house, watering my plants and the miracle of keeping them alive. I find great companionship in the way I pour my cream into my coffee and the way I say yes yes yes to sitting at my sewing machine to try something new.
I am in benevolent companionship on a walk through the woods with friends when Sam and Elisabeth do the good work to decolonize hymns and sing about Santa Lucia to the trees and to the dogs and to the Northern sky.
I find great companionship in a circle of my favorite women in an art studio in town working through what feels heaviest and what we’re grieving and what we are undoing. I ask myself is this a nervous breakdown or just a great unweaving of what I thought is true? Every time the group is referred to as women I feel like I am a secret non binary spy but I won’t let this companionship go.
My stubborn outer shell softens across the table as I learn more about the world around me and less about myself. I find that as time moves forward I only know less, I search for meaning only to come up for air more meaningless than before. I am letting myself be a person who is growing and changing and listening amongst those who remain firm in their values.
I want to be ever-changing, I want to be shape shifting, I want to stand firmly but more like coral swaying in the turn of a wave. I want to be rooted but I want to be curious. I want to see what I’ve said in the past and wonder if it still feels true today without feeling like a fake or a failure.
In my efforts of companionship I find myself becoming a new person with each interaction, sometimes this is an inner skill and sometimes it is the persistence of the companion, knowing their own truths I see their lack of sway and I wonder if I’m lacking in value or simply a sponge for the undoing.
The fire in the center of my home continues to give the wood stove spirits their dwelling, where I greet them in the morning as my second companions, first is always June. The day goes by as I search for what to link towards next, the page as companion, the mirror as companion, my body as companion.
I begin to make a list of what is not companionship : compulsive shopping, avoiding my taxes, over checking my emails. Instead of working to get rid of these habits I just fill my hours with more companions - breathing and otherwise. This inevitably leads me back to connection, care, and service, farther from a drink and closer to myself.
In a season of hibernation, just as the beach will not run out of rocks, I promise to stay true to the companions that are in front of me. Free of expectation as to how long they will last, right now is plenty of time.
My dear friend (who produced my Skillshare class about Substack!) just launched his very own Substack and YOURS TRULY is the first guest! It’s LIKE A PUNK NICKELODEON FOR KIDS!
It’s me dancing with a puppet so if you have a kid or if you want to nurture the child inside you I highly recommend watching and having a great time
I’m rereading Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer by having her read it to me via audiobook and it is such a beautiful way to take in her storytelling
I bought an MP3 player for $42 that just has Audible and Spotify on it so that when I wake up I don’t turn my phone or computer on I just turn the mp3 player on to play my little songs or listen to my books while I journal or sew - this has been a game changer, companioned by a little machine
I also got the Freewrite Alpha which I am not convinced about yet, I think it’s hard for me not to see the whole map of what will be in my writing but I am going to try to do some drafts of some writing on it. I find the keyboard keys are a little deep for my gel x nails and my preferred feeling while I am typing.
I took my text messages off my computer after realizing that is the most distracting thing for me while I am writing and turned my phone to black and white
I watched Sleepless in Seattle in the bathtub and I loved it
I am finding the legal process to change my name to be emotional, difficult, and expensive! There are a lot of steps and a lot of things to pay for and a lot of hoops to jump through. I am grateful to have the financial and emotional resources to do this but wanted to see if there were ways to support others in name change liberation - which brings me to - a portion of February’s paid subscriptions go to The Fair Michigan Name Change Project - a partnership between Fair Michigan and a team of attorneys that provide no-cost name change services to qualified transgender people.
Shout out to my local library the Leland Township Library for being such a cool and special place. In February they hosted a book club for Rebekah Taussig book Sitting Pretty which I am half way through and loving
I love writing and this piece on bearing witness of the continued atrocities in Gaza while we continue to live our lives felt like so much of the words I’ve been trying to find
Took some time to read about Cecilia Gentili and contributed to her legacy fund which will establish a donor-advisory fund to continue funding mutual-aid and grassroots efforts to decriminalize sex work, fight for the liberation of trans folks, and uplift immigrant communities as well as cover funeral and mortgage costs
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