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Dear Reader,

In four days I’ll be receiving top surgery and I keep catching myself touching my chest without thinking, like my body is already rehearsing what’s coming. I’m thrilled that this time next week I will wake up with a flat chest. In making this decision, and ones prior to this surgery, what I couldn’t find wasn’t information about surgery — it was guidance about desire. About how to listen to yourself. About how to choose a body you could actually live inside.

Between Reddit and YouTube there are plenty of before and after pics, vlogs on the healing process, and the reason behind small details (nipples or no nipples) but in terms of all of the many options of what one could do with their chest, I was left a little high and dry.

I have met so many people over the years who have gotten a gender affirming surgery and wished they had done something more extreme. Rarely have I spoken to someone who made a surgical choice and wished they’d done less.

I want to talk today about how this top surgery is not my first, or my second, but my third attempt at finding the chest I want and how it all came to be.

Growing up a ballerina, I was one of the first ones to get boobs. It felt mortifying. The summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school I jumped from a B to a D. I never liked having boobs but as a teen it didn’t occur to me this could have anything to do with my gender. I masked by being ultra feminine in ballet class and wore baggy clothes and cover ups whenever I could.

In 2015 my body had stayed the same size while my boobs grew to a 34GG. I started having back and shoulder pain and looked into getting a breast reduction. At the time full flat top surgery hadn’t even crossed my mind as I wasn’t out yet and wasn’t connecting this experience to my gender.

My insurance elected to cover the surgery for pain prevention and I was thrilled, I would finally get my A cups. On the day of the surgery while the plastic surgeon was marking me up she asked what size I wanted to be. I wanted to say “As small as you can go!“ but blurted out - I think I’d like a B cup. She responded “B is for Boy, C is for curvy, we’ll do a C”.

Tits in her hand, wide eyed, my body in her grip, I was totally frozen. I felt mortified. My throat closed. My brain went blank. I learned in real time what compliance feels like. I had asked for a size of boob so small it would make me look like a boy and apparently that was bad. Deeper into the gender closet I went.

This surgeon did amazing work, bombshell little C cups on my chest for a few years. Then as my weight started to fluctuate a bit they got bigger and the dysphoria came in full force. In 2021 I came out as nonbinary and knew I would need another chest surgery but wasn’t sure what.

I didn’t have any examples at the time of other people who looked like me who had had a full top surgery. My friends who had gotten that kind of surgery were all trans boys. So even though deep down in a quiet place I knew they had to go completely, I just couldn’t imagine it. What if no one wants to have sex with me because I don’t have boobs? How will it feel at the beach?

The hardest part of retelling the story is this — I went back to the same surgeon for my second surgery. Even though she has no trans competency, because I wanted to keep some breast tissue and have tiny boobs I thought it would be ok. And in many ways it was! She listened to me and understood the assignment. But she also questioned me in ways that made me feel like I had to justify my existence. Like my body was a debate. Like my gender was negotiable.

When the biopsy came back from surgery it showed that I had pre cancerous cells in my milk ducts. My mom had breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy, so this news wasn’t surprising but it still knocked the wind out of me. It made everything feel suddenly urgent. Mortal. Inherited.

Living with tiny boobs the last few years has been both incredible and horrible. I love that when I put a baggy t-shirt on they basically disappear. I love how little they are in a bathing suit. A lot of my decision to keep them also stemmed from not being sure if I wanted to get pregnant at some point and chest feed.

About a year ago I knew they needed to go and I wanted a fully flat chest, but was still so scared to do it. Two things liberated me from confusion : having a supportive trans girlfriend, and trans tape.

Being trans and dating another trans person is a euphoric experience. You can talk in a code that only trans people know. A language made of glances, jokes, fears, and relief. So much of my hangup about top surgery was around lesbian identity and feeling like I was taking something away from my partner. Sorry no more boobs for you to play with or look at! Katy assured me that many lesbians don’t have boobs and a boob does not a lesbian make you.

In August while I was at Atland teaching, a student let me try their trans tape. The second I put it on I felt incredibly hot, like my gender had fully arrived, and in that instance I knew it was time. I put a shirt on and gasped, they were gone, unrecognizable. I knew I wanted to feel this every day when I got dressed.

I started asking other trans people whose genders were similar to mine (they started coming out of the woodwork!) and what surgeons they went to. I was lucky to find an amazing doctor in the metro Detroit area who did a friend’s top surgery and did an amazing job. I quickly went to Reddit where I found dozens of examples of the work he’s done and was so impressed.

In September of last year I made the call, sent the deposit in, and picked a date. I knew that when The Practice of Attention came out in March I wanted to be fully embodied, and that meant no more boobs.

The first few weeks after I made the appointment I didn’t feel fully sure. When I closed my eyes, I knew that me as a solo person wanted a completely flat chest. But I had so much shame around having ANOTHER surgery. One of my mean parts saying Why couldn’t you just get this right the first time? Or hell, the second time? It took a lot of therapy, talks with Katy and other trans friends, to feel confident in my decision and release the shame of the previous tries.

I had one more decision to make which took me by surprise. I was looking at so many pictures of my friends surgeries or people of the internet, and a flat chest WITH nipples just felt like it wasn’t for me. I stumbled upon a Reddit thread called r/FreedTheNips of all people who had gotten top surgery with no nipple grafts. They just don’t have nipples anymore! I felt like I found the secret key or something. It reminded me of a big piece of fabric you’re about to quilt — clean, open, waiting for its own pattern.

I asked a handful of people their opinions and the people I trusted most were like - YES! no nips and a flat chest is SO your gender. It felt really affirming to be seen that way.

Historically in intimate settings I have enjoyed having nipples, but the last year or so their sensitivity has actually become really dysphoric. I had to weigh that this discomfort could go away if my chest were flat and it might be nice to keep them. But aesthetically I just love the look of no nips.

So friends - thats the story! The story of how I came to know. A lot of friends, internet, and a loving and supportive girlfriend. I am an open book — if you have a question or comment feel free to drop it in the comments below or respond to this email!

Being gay, trans, and sober are the greatest gifts God gave me. Alongside my creativity and talent, God gave me bravery — not the bravery to do something once, but to try again. To revise my body. To refuse shame. To tell the truth out loud.

Thank you for reading today. Many Blessings.

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