A note : A new season of Flexible Office begins February 9. We meet Mondays and Thursdays 9-11am EST. Sliding scale, a Discord group for connecting, co-working and community in difficult times. 

Dear Reader,

In four days I’ll be receiving top surgery and I keep catching myself touching my chest without thinking, like my body is already rehearsing what’s coming. I’m thrilled that this time next week I will wake up with a flat chest. In making this decision, and ones prior to this surgery, what I couldn’t find wasn’t information about surgery — it was guidance about desire. About how to listen to yourself. About how to choose a body you could actually live inside.

Between Reddit and YouTube there are plenty of before and after pics, vlogs on the healing process, and the reason behind small details (nipples or no nipples) but in terms of all of the many options of what one could do with their chest, I was left a little high and dry.

I have met so many people over the years who have gotten a gender affirming surgery and wished they had done something more extreme. Rarely have I spoken to someone who made a surgical choice and wished they’d done less.

I want to talk today about how this top surgery is not my first, or my second, but my third attempt at finding the chest I want and how it all came to be.

I’ve had a few of you sweet readers ask if there is anything you can do to be in the care team for next week. There is! Just respond to this email and I can let you know.