Dear reader,

I’ve really been sitting with the word discard. This is a word that has stuck with me, has stood by me, has felt the most true. The feeling of being discarded has left me on my knees, begging for relief from discomfort and pain.

There are breakups, ruptures, and fissures. And then there is the act of discarding without repair. Taking a relationship and ending it on one’s own terms, without collaboration, without a note of warning.

These are the ones that hurt me the most. That pull on my Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and get me to spin wild stories about who I am and how unworthy I must be of love and devotion. Of making things right.

To discard is primarily defined as getting rid of something because it is no longer useful, wanted, or needed. To no longer be of use.

And so I take to my journal, the place where I let it all out. I let the words find their way to the page and sift through what it means to be left behind. I work on new stories, not ones that blame or shift the focus, but ones that are much gentler to myself.

Some of my deepest friendships today are with people who I thought repair would never be possible. Who I thought would never forgive me. Who I thought would never be able to meet me in the messy middle of tuning in together. And yet we stand firm and true. A testament to the process that relationships deserve.

To be discarded carries a wild grief, it’s own silence. A silence that carries weight, noise, and gravity. There is fading away after light repair. There is fading away without discussing the different shape of a relationship. There is a loosening of the grip of something that used to look one way and now looks another. And then there is the discard, the throw it all away and never look back.

When experiencing violence or abuse I trust us to do something akin to discard, to sever. To divide by cutting or slicing, especially suddenly. Today I am much swifter to sever a relationship when someone is treating me with disrespect and a lack of care. Even then there has usually been an attempt at a repair process somewhere along the way.

Not everyone is meant to stay. This is what I keep coming back to. Not everyone is meant to be in your corner or go to the depths of healing with you. Maybe being discarded is a gift. Instead of looking at it as being left behind I think of it as being left where I choose to stand still.

I love the phrase Rejection is God’s Protection. If everything is in god’s divine perfect plan then maybe I need to trust the washing away a little more. Trust that everything that is meant to be mine will be mine and what is not meant to be mine will pass.

I continue to turn toward writing, in my journal and in my thesis and here in this newsletter, to find my way through. To sketch out the bigger arc. To know that I am not alone in these feelings but one of many. Having multiple containers for writing is an answer I am most grateful to have found.

Writing, for me, is the way in and the way out. Even if I wasn’t a writer I am so glad to have written.

Today I am going to look closely as what I have discarded over the years and ask myself why, and does it need to remain true today. My capacity is always changing for what I can let in, what I can recover, and what I can see through.

In my ever changing malleability I pray to remain an open vessel for love in all its forms. I pray to stay long enough to repair and restore what is worth looking at. And I pray to be in right relationship with all of my habits and vices, so that I may be in right relationship with the people I am closest to.

→ Landscapes returns May 5th with co-working for writers and anyone who wants to write every Tuesday and Thursday 11-1EST plus guest workshops with Amelia Hruby, Podge Thomas, Casey Zabala, Selomé Samuel, and more! Join the waitlist here, registration opens May 1

→ Bay Area friends don’t miss this amazing poetry event at Grace Cathedral April 22 Grace Notes: Poetry at Grace Cathedral to celebrate National Poetry Month with Thea Matthews, Aimee Nezhukumatathil, Preeti Vangani, and Devon Walker-Figueroa

→ Thank you to Michigan Public Radio for having me on Stateside with April Baer

→ The NW MI Arts and Culture Summit is happening in Traverse City May 14 and 15 and I’m hosting a workshop on self publishing. Really looking forward to the amazing keynote speaker Juana Williams, an artist talk from Ellen Rutt, and so many more amazing workshops and talks

→ I am really into the new Harry Styles album especially the song Taste Back I just listen to it over and over

→ I’m enjoying the podcast Pilates Perspectives and loved this episode with Blossom Leilani Crawford

The creative person-chronic illness connection. Free workshop to explore what influences creatives' health (& how to tend your unique body). May 1.

I make online mixtapes for people who want to stay connected to their humanity in the midst of the chaos. If music is medicine for you as well, come listen along with me here.

The Earth Speaks: A beautifully hand-illustrated oracle deck reflecting the medicinal messages of nature through the seasons. Spring sale 20% off!

Therapy Intensives for Queer Creatives in NYC: The therapeutic process, like the creative process, thrives with spaciousness & depth | EMDR, IFS, KAP

Drop the money stories that are not helping you expand creatively. Untangling Money Stories Workshop. April 22. Use code "CODY" for 50% off.

Want to book a classified ad for May ? Read all about it here. I love reading them just as much as I love sharing them.

If you have an art raffle or mutual aid effort you’d like included for free in Monday Monday you can email it to info@codycookparrott.com

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