Last week within a two minute time span I met my ex husband’s baby, walked by my part time lover, and shook the hand of a boy who suggested we go on a date. I shook his hand because it is a weird defense mechanism I do like yes I know you yes I know there could be physical intimacy here but if I shake your hand then I am protected against all rejection because a handshake implies this is not romantic. I do this with the lover. I did this with my ex boyfriend last year when I saw him for the first time after we broke up. I do this as a way to hold my energy space as my own. I don’t want to hug, I don’t want to feel the pleasure of our chests pressed against each other, I don’t want to embrace. So I go in for the handshake.

The handshake confuses people. It isn’t the social norm. We usually just go in for the hug. But my sensitive heart moves too quickly and as soon as we hug my defenses come down and I am not in the safe zone. My window of tolerance blasts away and I am left raw and uncovered and it’s too much to hold.

Meeting my ex husband’s baby was easy. Something I have thought about for many years - What would this be like? Would I be sad? Would I wish I had a baby? It was so easy, so simple, so happy, so perfect. To stand and dance with his wife, mom, and baby was all the healing I could have ever needed. A perfect quartet of love and one smooshy tiny creature to bring us all together.