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I have found that in this lifetime I have two choices when I have a big feeling - I can react or I can respond. I am notoriously a big reactor. Suppose you could say it is part of my charm, or it is part of what adds air to the fire of an already uncomfortable situation. When I choose to react I also find that if I am reacting directly to a person, this can heighten whatever the big feeling was in the first place, instead of creating a more spacious container for navigating the original context for what’s creating the friction.
We then have the famous second arrow. Famous from your therapist, my therapist, my exe’s therapist, the self help writers of the world - the first arrow comes and then out of thin air we grab the second one and think WOW I did a shitty job with : the feeling, the reaction, the response, the vibe. We grab it out of thin air and think - I could have done better, I could have done that differently, why did I get so heinously triggered in the first place. And then we threaten to jam it in our aorta in our neck like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted and even though that’s not where the aorta is it doesn’t matter because we just want to stab.
So in it goes, second arrow, with it’s barbs that you cannot easily pull out. It so effortlessly slides in, but to pull it out takes a whole other set of tools. I am still waiting for someone to define the third arrow because I am pretty sure after the second one goes in I am mad at myself for that too.
When I am relating to others in this experience I have found that two things happen, and of course there are variations within this theme. The person witnessing this swift arrow dance will either be : A) Be scared of you and their own arrows start flying and shame you for your reaction which is a very fast way to grab the second arrow. If we are lucky, which I found myself to be yesterday, we get B) Someone who doesn’t love the initial reaction but then has the capacity to slow down, see what is going on, weave the web of understanding together, create a safe net to crumble into, and then helps you pull the second arrow out without much effort because they have kept their own boundaries intact.
WOW! CAN YOU BELIEVE OPTION B EXISTS! After years of a closed circuit cycle of experiencing A I am finding that the friendship, loves, collaborators, and neighbors in my life must be able to meet me somewhere in the B zone. This doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with people in the A zone but it might be a sign we aren’t quite fit for relationship in this lifetime. It might mean that everything that led us here could provide us that good good spark but not the field or the meadow to wind through together.
People who can meet me in B don’t have to stay forever. This doesn’t mean they’re perfect or on a pedestal and it certainly doesn’t mean they don’t have their own flaws - again in this scenario an action of another started the domino effect. Yet it is me, the carrier of my own arrows, who gets to build trust with others and know that I am safe enough to respond with integrity.
As I heal my own abilities to take the second arrow out by myself, or with the help of others, I find that I am almost only surrounded with people who can meet me in that space. That my own fortitude and willingness to forgive myself, aligns me with people who are forgiving themselves as well. That even in my waking hours, the wound still throbs and I am still uncertain that I will ever feel myself again. But just for today I am willing to stitch it up as best I can. Willing to be seen in the mending.
My friend Holly interviewed me on her amazing podcast QUITTED. Holly and I disagree on some of the biggest ways we stay alive and yet, our friendship grows stronger and stronger. Holly is a second arrow puller outter.
I started reading Pure Colour by Sheila Heti on the beach the other day and I could hardly believe my eyes. I am not sure a book has ever been written to fit my brain so well. We all know how much I love a god nod so :)
I am really enjoying watching the NBA finals. I generally cheer for anything Steph Curry does and anything the Celtics do. I think that both teams are casting beautiful spells of dancing on the court. I would be happy if either team one but I do love an underdog win.
I watched 30 for 30 : Bad Boys about the Detroit Pistons through the 80’s into their back to back championships and all I know is I want to live everyday like a bad boy. It makes me love Michigan history, basketball, and the fine art of chosen family.
Today I woke up and guessed the time before I looked at my phone which was 9:07am and I gasped
I ordered these cute binders for organizing my projects
The Kimchi at Farm Club
Being really mad people I love are dead
Becoming a sunset chaser
Fariha’s book WHO IS WELLNESS FOR comes out very soon and if you have not yet it is time for us all to pre-order it!
A portion of June’s paid subscriptions goes towards Up North Pride
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