Nov. 15, 2021, 3:13 p.m.
The mystery of finishing
Notes on Etel Adnan and not knowing where our art goes
Monday Monday
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“Standing on Mount Tamalpais I am in the rhythms of the world. Everything seems right as it is. I am in harmony with the stars, for the better or the worst. I know. I know. I know.”
Journey to Mount Tamalpais, Etel Adnan 1986
Yesterday at 96 years old my favorite artist Etel Adnan passed on to a new realm. If you’ve taken quilt class or dance class or read this newsletter you’ve seen me reference her paintings, her books, and her ideas. Her paintings are my greatest starting point for understanding compositions of shapes in space and paying attention to how each moment sways into the next.
Etel Adnan never knew how much her art changed my life. This is one of the great bargains of art making, we don’t know who it’s for.
The first time Emily Sprague handed me Sea and Fog I felt like I found the thing I had always been looking for. Every time I saw a new painting or read something new of Etel’s I would feel this again and again.
Whenever an artist I love dies my first thought is : what if they had never made their art? What if while Etel was making her first ever painting thought - nevermind, this is stupid and I am an imposter and I will never paint again.
What if while Etel was writing Shifting the Silence, her last book for us, thought : nevermind one more book, who needs it? And then never sent in the manuscript.
What if when Etel looked at Mount Tamalpais she never told us about it?
I imagine many of Etel’s paintings were trashed, book ideas never formed, and for good reason. I am not saying finish everything you start, the process of eliminating what isn’t working is just as valuable as putting things out into the world. Knowing when to not say something or share something is its own skill. When to bring something to final form or when it belongs in the burnable pages of my morning pages journal is a question of service and purpose. The agreement of making art is - you don’t know who it is for and if you did - what a dull way to begin, so few surprises in store for you - to block this great mystery blocks us from our relationship with self, spirit, and others.
When I am working on something it is so easy for me to go immediately to - what is the point? Why even finish this? It is something past imposter syndrome and more in tune with - why does this need to be here and why does it need to be said now? While I think knowing why we make things is an important part of our practice, I also think that question can completely block us from surrendering to the outcome, which is often so beyond what we can dream of.
Also nothing is ever finished, this helps me accept that while an object is finished - a book, a photograph, this newsletter, a quilt - it is so far away from complete. The object itself is no longer “in progress” but the experience it will provide people with is far from over. And you will never know exactly how it lands and where. We may be blessed enough to receive generous feedback and words of gratitude for our work, but there are so many silent and hidden reactions we will never know existed.
This is why I hit send, keep sewing, say yes, even when it is extremely uncomfortable. To shift into seeing it as an experiment where the hold can be light, surrendered, and unfair but still worth doing - this is serenity.
On the last day of quilt class we take a moment of silence for everyone who didn’t come to quilt class. Pricing an online class isn’t a perfect formula in the container of capitalism - but between scholarships, payment plans, trades, and sliding scale I have never said no to someone who wants to take quilt class. Outside of financial restrictions there are of course other factors around childcare, learning styles, and so much more. That being said - for every one person who takes quilt class, ten don’t because they are so scared to fail in front of themselves and other people. I don’t actually know the real math on that but that’s what I decided. At some point they decided that their presence wasn’t worthy or that they wouldn’t be able to figure it out or that whatever they were going to make would suck.
I see this in my peers, my friends, my sworn enemies. The resistance to being bad, to failing, to being less than the other people you look to for both inspiration and comparison. Every song I listen to and love, art show that changes me, book that keeps me closer to life than death, my heart breaks thinking: what if whoever made this had just thought - this isn’t for anyone so I won’t finish it.
The best thing about never starting is you can’t fail. This is why we don’t start. We can read every fucking John Cage and Sister Corita Kent quote we want about how there is “no fail only make” but jesus christ have you ever sewn a seam the wrong way or painted over your favorite part of your painting on accident because that usually doesn’t feel like the dreamy make to me. The only rule is work.
We learn to fail and do it anyway. Deciding that something isn’t a fail has never worked for me. I would much rather just call it an epic fail, pivot, and keep going. A reminder to not deny yourself the language of your practice that works for you.
I’m so glad Etel was willing to fail. Willing to walk through whatever was happening in her mind to give us her paintings, her books, her poems, her queerness, her love, her colors, her shapes, her everything. She gave us everything.
In humbled grief and gratitude
NEWSLETTER CLASS : SUN NOV 21
10am PST / 1pm EST Live on Zoom - Recording included if you can’t make it live
When I write Monday Monday I am channeling Clarissa Darling of Clarissa Explains It All. It’s the quilt for me, the peace sign necklace, and as Wikipedia describes the way she : addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life.
Plus Sam climbing the ladder through her bedroom window is queer culture.
PRESENTED IN FOUR PARTS
📠 GATHERING THE EMAILS + SETTING UP THE SYSTEMS
🔮 FINDING A CLEAR VOICE AND VISION
💾 HITTING SEND
📧 TELLING PEOPLE WHERE THEY CAN READ WHAT YOU WROTE
Starting a newsletter can feel really daunting, especially if you are already assuming you are going to do a bad job. In this small but mighty workshop we will blast through the technical and emotional fears so you can create (or nourish) a container for creative and social expression and knowledge sharing.
Newsletter are a great way to understand your own work, develop a language to describe your practice and share your offerings and art, and paint the landscape of your visions for the world and how you show up to it.
Looking forward to this amazing event on Thursday evening November 18 Holy Sparks: Cultural and Spiritual Fire hosted by the Contemporary Jewish Museum - live on zoom with free admission - many amazing panelists including the one I live with and learn with and love with Jackie Barry
How can spiritual practices transform our relationship to fire and land? As wildfires rage across the globe, artist Julie Weitz has used her art to advocate for new ways of managing wildfires and fighting climate crisis—while exploring traditional Jewish conceptions of fire as a force for hope and positive change. Now, Weitz gathers with a panel of wildland firefighters and spiritual leaders to imagine how art and spirituality can spark new ways of thinking about and responding to fires. Through personal stories, speakers will offer their unique perspectives on how to we can collectively reshape our approach to confronting catastrophic fire and deepen the perceptual shift around addressing the well-being of frontline communities and the land, as we confront the worst wildfires seasons on record.
Listening to Emily A Sprague : Hill Flower Fog
Shifting the Silence : Etel Adnan
The magical 1111 Words a Day community forum
Practice as a Portal - Annika is Dreaming Newsletter
The Astrology Book Club: What to Read This Month, Based on Your Sign
I am reading Magic Lessons by Alice Hoffman who else is out here reading books from the Practical Magic series wow do I like fiction now?
Long Wave music video by Bonny Doon (source of first picture of me and Bob on Mount Tamalpais making the music video with Billy)
Many Blessings
A portion of paid subscriptions this month goes to Souls Grown Deep.
🏷 January Quilt Class Waitlist
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