April 28, 2025

The Misgendering Portal

Dear Reader,

I have spent the last few weeks in a learning environment that challenged me in multiple ways. It expanded me, changed me, and put me on a new path of generosity and service. It caused me to dissociate, dig deeper into my transness, and carve a path for others to understand my experience of being non binary.

Since coming out three years ago I have been lucky to be in educational settings where my pronouns are always used. I do not say preferred pronouns because I do not prefer them, they just are my pronouns. I don’t like they/them over she/her, I never like she/her because I am not a woman and those are not my pronouns.

I am aware of the levels of privilege I have around “looking like” my assigned gender. I can use a women’s bathroom when I am alone without fear for my safety. I can attend a women’s twelve step meeting and fly under the radar like a secret spy. And yet, when I am misgendered, I feel a pain deep inside myself as if I am rendered completely invisible.

In my pilates education thus far I have been lucky enough to work with practitioners who affirm my gender in so many ways, a huge thank you to the dancer and magic mover Jessie Young who ushered me into this new phase of commitment to the practice.

In the rural North it is common for me to be in spaces where I am misgendered. Whether it be out doing karaoke at Sweets in Honor or meeting a new person at a social event at the museum, I have learned when to correct someone and when to preserve my energy. I have not put myself in an environment where I am a student focusing on gathering new information for my brain while being misgendered, until this past weekend.

When signing up for my pilates mat teacher training it didn’t cross my mind to check in with myself or the studio if there would be any trouble using they/them pronouns. I had taken 1:1 reformer sessions with a teacher who has trans kids and had no problem so I just wasn’t on guard.

During introductions, pronouns were not a part of the intros, but I knew I wanted to be in long-term community with these people, so I shared that I use they/them pronouns and that I was happy to answer any questions. What feels incredibly important to say is that the instructor and my classmates worked their asses off to get my pronouns right and understand my experience. THAT is the world I want to live in. Not one where people immediately get it right, but one where they put in the effort and try and change their language and mindset. For this I am incredibly grateful and I do not take it for granted. We talked politics, Palestine, and making space for more queer and trans people in pilates spaces.

That being said, it doesn’t change the fact most of the time she/her was used when referring to not only me, but my body. I think the hardest part was when there were hands on my physical body and I was being referred to as she/her. It felt so disorienting, so confusing, so challenging. I felt myself leave my body, float above it, not able to focus, and it really affected my ability to retain anatomical knowledge.

I don’t feel mad or offended, I think I just feel sad. I had a big cry release last night with my girlfriend and realized I hadn’t let myself just be sad about it. It wasn’t until the training was over and I felt safe in the trans portal of my home that I could fully feel the pain. To be sad that not everyone is blessed with the galaxy brain to see beyond two genders. The tears lead me to a deep desire to keep carving out queer portals in traditional movement spaces.

I think for most of these women I was the first non binary person they’d ever met, and I don’t feel like they failed, I feel like the systems failed them. The instructor should have been trained by the head of the organization on how to use client’s pronouns as well as teach teachers how to use them. That should be 101 in the protocol.

I want a world where trans and queer people feel safe in pilates enviornments and can access the transformative quality of the lineage. I want a world where cis people can easily learn alternative pronouns and use them with little effort. I want a world where we don’t see people as either men or women. I want a world where major organizations, especially in the movement world, include trans competency in their curriculum.

I want a world where gender expansion is not seen as an inconvenience, but as an invitation to see the world in a brighter way.

Things of Note :

• Registration for The Cartography of Time is open! I am teaching on zoom THIS SATURDAY and I would love to see you there. We will dig into everything TIME : planning our weeks, planning our days, and keeping sacred the acitivites and work that we love so dearly.

  When you leave this class you will have found ways to fight burnout, be less stressed, and have more clarity and confidence in how you schedule your week.

• TODAY at 6pm I will be reading alongside Jacqueline Suskin IN REAL LIFE at Second Hand Social Club in Traverse City. We will be celebrating the release of Jac’s new book of poems The Verse for Now and I’ll be reading from Look About You. Totally free come on by I’d love to see ya

• This Wednesday in Traverse City Veterans for Peace presents Coming Home and Naneek at 7pm at The State Theatre

• The new Doechii song and video for Anxiety

• MORE PARADES from Mary Welcome : A rural cultural incubator providing support, platforms, research, and resources for neighbors, artists, creatives, and cultural workers centered in civic engagement, creative economies, community projects, and local organizing initiatives.

• Entrails Magazine Issue Two is open for submissions! ENTRAILS MAGAZINE is an art and literary publication made by people living with inflammatory bowel disease.

• The amazing Kristin Texeira (one of my absolute favorite artists) has started a new class called COLOR NOW

• Arrested at the Library : Policing the Stacks by Mariame Kaba

CLASSIFIEDS : 

The Somatic Mentorship is a queer and autistic affirming somatic trauma resolution coaching program designed to support folks in healing trauma and coming home to their authentic selves.

SOMA School of Therapeutic Massage in Traverse City, MI is open for applicants! Class begins June 9 and you can also follow along on social media for events and news

Want to place an ad in next week’s newsletter? Read all about it here

Thank you for reading another installment of Monday Monday by Cody Cook-Parrott. If you loved this newsletter feel free to share an excerpt on social media, forward it to a friend, or link it in your own newsletter.

I also love when you respond! Or leave comments!

Not a paid subscriber? Support this newsletter staying free every Monday and receiving my advice column and behind the scenes of business series by becoming a paid subscriber <3