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This issue of Monday Monday talks about serious mental health breakdowns, thoughts of not being on Earth, sobriety, and the wild inner pain of being alive. Maybe that is always what Monday Monday talks about but today feels like it may perhaps require this extension so you know before you read
I am not a trauma informed facilitator, therapist, doctor, just a guy swimming to the other side of a mental health breakdown. Throughout I will use the word “breakdown” because it is what works for me. Interchangeable with crisis, extreme distress, psychotic break - choose what works for you
The sharing of the collective is beginning to reflect that as we approach the two year mark of this pandemic we are struggling. We don’t know how to work, how to start, how to finish, how to be in relationship with ourselves or other people. I want to say today, with all honesty, that the grief of the outer world and my inner world has completely taken me out to a bottom I didn’t know existed. While the memes and the vague sharing of - wow this is hard - do make us feel less alone, I want to share the full impact on my own life.
No one I know is ok right now. I have been on more than one crisis text thread supporting a friend in the past month and embarked on my own journey of needing immediate help and so I want to share a few resources that I didn’t know about and now I do.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BREAKDOWN :
BEFORE ANY OF THE STEPS : All of these steps require getting over the stigma of asking for help, “looking” fucked up, having to say you’re having a breakdown, etc. It’s why I am sharing this because I waited so long because I really wanted to solve it by myself, in my current situation, with no meds, and no god, and that did not go well
It also doesn’t matter WHY you’re having a breakdown it just matters that you build the toolkit to get back to baseline, to center, or even far enough away from the edge you aren’t going to fall off at any moment
These steps are the order I did them in, I would have rearranged them to “seek medical attention” much earlier in the order, perhaps before I got on an airplane …
PLEASE REORDER THESE STEPS AS YOU NEED TO
It is also my hope if you are not going through a crisis or distress but someone in your life is this could be helpful
Step One : Notice and track what the signs of a breakdown means for you both in terms of what is happening to your body and what you then think is a “good idea”
For me this looked like five months of consistent panic attacks where I could not be soothed or soothe myself leading me to thoughts of wanting to drink or die - it looked like trying to change this by praying or just working my program or walking and my report to you today is that was not enough and was a lot more dangerous than I knew at the time
I was on meds that were not working and was too afraid to try different ones because I thought perhaps meds were a part of the problem
Step Two : Tell other people about what is happening. Tell them what your nervous system and body feel like so that if it gets worse they are not surprised or caught off guard but can support you through it. I spent a lot of time saying - this is what is happening to my body BUT my brain thinks everything is fine and should be fine so I will just push through what my body is telling me
This is also known as : ask for help
This is also known as : the body knows
Step Three : Make a list of solutions, things that help you regulate your nervous system - water, writing, baths, calling a friend, meditation, drink your herbs
A note on step three : once we get into serious breakdown territory the above list may no longer work for you
Step Four : By step four we have reached the point where your nerves are on fire all over your body and you don’t actually want to die or drink but it is very confusing because you do not have anything to stop how painful it is - you know something huge might have to shift in your life if your body is telling you this but it is much faster to disappear
Do not be alone, do whatever you can to not be alone. Ask a a friend to come over and stay with you or sit with you
I had a friend take me to a hydration bar because I had barely drank water in days or eaten - this was helpful!
Step Five : Get on an airplane to where your best friends live, text people the entire time you are at the airport and answer the phone when your little brother calls
Step Six : Let people hold you and rub your body
Step Seven : MAKE A ZOC DOC APPOINTMENT TO GET YOURSELF A FAST ACTING MEDICATION THAT CAN STOP YOUR PANIC ATTACK AND NERVES BEING ON FIRE THAT MAKES YOU NOT WANT TO DIE
Now : as an addict myself, this step is tricky. I was hesitant to share this because I am not like : Hey team go book an appt and get drugs! AND this is why I hesitated so long to try this and can factually say the pride and fear and lack of permission I felt to reduce the harm happening in my body was huge. And being able to have something prescribed to me that literally stopped the loop in my head of - this whole thing is going to kill me - I think literally saved my life.
This cost $99 without insurance and there was a nurse practitioner available within an hour of me looking
I called a few ER and Urgent Cares and they all had either hours of wait time or sounded more traumatic to go to and I didn’t know this was an option and am so glad I know now
Every time I take a habit forming med I text a trusted sober person in my life and stay honest about how they make me feel
Step Eight : Weave the breakdown into your curriculum : I played some Sheryl Crow for quilt class and we all just held fabric and swayed back and forth together. You’d be surprised how many other people need that
Step Nine : Tell your best friend to send you demos of her songs and then let her fly on an airplane to you to take care of what needs to be taken care of
Step Ten : If you don’t have a best friend who can do that it’s ok, think about it, I bet you do, I bet there is someone who would do that for you - and you can listen to my best friend’s songs in the meantime
Step Eleven : I am not going to say be nice to yourself because I think once we are in the breakdown there is no nice self talk that can get us out. What I will say is - good job, good job staying here
Years ago when a friend was going through a breakdown we were having a circle of support at her house to make a plan for her safety and someone said : You don’t have to want to be here to stay
And I am so glad I stayed, yet again, even though I didn’t want to be here. I don’t have to drink - even if I want to. I can choose harm reduction to stay here, I can let people love me when I cannot love myself. You can too.
May you all be blessed in fully breaking down in your practice and in your process and may you weave the breakdown into your curriculum
May the breakdown be safe and sturdy and never alone. Staying alive and sober in this endless pandemic grief cycle of pain and mystery is nothing short of a miracle
There is something better on the other side even if we don’t know what it is yet
You really are a miracle please don’t forget and when you do forget keep remembering
I am humbled to my bones with gratitude to be so loved, to be so held, to be so connected when I reach out for help the hand is there
Everything that is next is just Six of Swords paddling to the other side, keep the swords in the boat to plug the holes so the water doesn’t rush in, we’ll need them when we land
The way June stomp dances when I walk in the door and pictures on the fridge
Potions and Pep Talks with community herbalist Lauren Giambrone
Barry Lee’s beautiful art
Building a Community of Love: bell hooks and Thich Nhat Hanh
This thing I said once
Kimberly Drew on Michelle Tea’s YOUR MAGIC podcast
Sammie Downing writes about love in her new substack
Returning packages I bought in a manic cycle without even opening them
Tracking trust and seeing where it was never really there, how the pace of the nervous system knows the pace, not the wishes of desire
How you can’t always track trust, how so much of life is wishing
xo
mar
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