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The ever changing vessel of my body holds a curiosity today of what wants to be kept private and what wants to be seen in the light. Part of my writing practice is sifting through what to keep to myself and what to leave out, what to put in the morning pages vs the newsletter. What belongs in a social media caption vs a book. What goes in the curriculum for a class vs shared in the Yes Yes podcast.
With all of these different containers I am gifted the fluidity of always having a place to bring my ideas, thoughts, worries, and hopes. I like this video of Joni Mitchell talking about moving between painting and poetry.
“It’s a natural thing for me to rotate my creative crops when I’m dried up as a poet.”
I have been writing about my relationship to my body for years in my journals. I make dances about my body, I talk to my body. I teach dance to have a relationship with my body. I stretch to say hello to my body. The public sphere however is not a place I bring body talk. Talking to my body and about my body primarily remains a private part of my writing process.
This works for me, my body has its containers and they aren’t this newsletter. Until today, when I want to invite you into a part of my life that has a great deal to do with my body, the dysphoria I experience as a non-binary person, and my excitement for relief and expansion.
A week from tomorrow I’ll be getting non flat top surgery, a gender affirming surgery to have the chest I have wanted for over twenty years that matches how I feel inside and out. My group of friends here in the North refer to my home as “Cody’s Dream House” and the google doc organization sheet for the care team is : Cody’s Dream Chest. Everything has become Cody’s Dream xyz. Cody is a nickname that I love to use, still in the every day swimming of what is a name, but around the surgery it has been feeling good.
With the surgery only nine days away I am noticing so much, so quickly. How much dysphoria always wraps around me and how much I have just learned to live with it and pretended it “wasn’t in the way”. A big thing I have noticed this week is how I will get the urge to walk, skateboard, run, or work out. But I know that when I put a sports bra on my attention will immediately be drawn to how my big my boobs are and how uncomfortable I am. So I just don’t, and then I don’t do the physical activity.
I find myself more aware of how I am always aware of my chest, constant awareness of how it feels on my spine, on my back, in my clothes, in the mirror.
I don’t have some sort of beautifully formed vision of what to say, which is probably why I don’t write about my body here. I feel the weight of being unpartnered in the traditional way, yet wrapped in the biggest love I could ever ask for my by queer friend family. I feel really nervous, yet more excited than I have ever been. I feel all the “not trans enough, not non binary enough, not queer enough” feelings, yet completely held by the forcefield of all of my queer ancestors and living friends who have had gender affirming surgeries.
I feel tired today. I feel like I am managing a lot of different people’s experiences and I want to really turn towards my own. To see how incredibly important this time is for me and my body. To shift and heal, and that I need to protect that. I am grateful how even in my own clunkiness of asking for what I need, I trust I am still worthy of love and care. The tornado swiftness of my existence strikes yet again and I can see where the whirlwind takes us all on a ride.
Thank you for reading these words about my body which I still have no idea how to write about. I am going to take next Monday off from writing the newsletter to start my week of no work and quiet rest. A new episode of Yes Yes comes out on Friday.
I look forward to watching The OC, letting my friends wipe down by body, feed me food, take me and June on slow walks, celebrate the tiniest guy boobs there ever were, and using this as a portal into this next book I am writing. I feel it inside of me, ready to pour out the new body that is the same body that is the forever body.
I am grateful for the ways in which this surgery has been affirmed and protected by my close community, so many examples of what top surgery and gender affirming surgery can look like, and benevolent connection to my ancestors.
May it be euphoric, May it be safe, May it be treasured
Ways to support :
+ Mail flowers, letters, snacks, care packages, bath salts, candles, anything loving and caring to wrap the love around me to :
Marlee Grace
PO Box 909
Northport, MI
49670
+ Venmo @marleegrace : I am grateful to have enough to cover my surgery out of pocket, but sending money is a beautiful way to treat me and my caretakers to take out meals, fresh beautiful groceries from the farmers market, a yummy smoothie, herbs for healing, etc - also sometimes even a $1 venmo can feel like a hug
+ Support friends in your own community that are having a gender affirming surgery : send funds to your neighbor, local barista, who is getting their tits chopped these days?! Feel free to use the comments section to share as well
+ Save the advice, bring the affirmations : I am so grateful to have so many people in my life who have had this surgery and have given me ALL the tips and tricks to recovery, I don’t need anymore! What I do need is affirmation that it will be beautiful and safe and euphoric
+ Light a candle : Surgery is the morning of August 2nd - light a candle on the altar!
+ Text, email, send a message of love and wrap me up in all the queer magic
+ BUY NEWSLETTER CLASS : It is on sale for 24 MORE HOURS! And it is only $22 - the sales of this class are helping me close the gap on paying the bill for surgery, thank you to everyone who has bought it and shared it!
Yesterday I posted the Cleve Jones autobiography and then was informed he is SPEAKING AT FOUNTAIN STREET CHURCH THIS THURSDAY at 6:30pm put on by The Grand Rapids Public Library. I’ll be there with my mom, it’s free you should come too. Cleve co-founded the San Francisco AIDS Foundation in 1983 and founded The NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt, one of the world’s largest community arts project.
This Julia Jacklin song really got me
Kevin and Katie covered some songs on Bandcamp to raise money for VOTE NO KANSAS. They also hosted the weekly rodeo on Instagram Live and I danced to them singing an Everclear song - fast forward til about 15 min before the end. May abortions stay safe and legal in Kansas and be a haven to those on the outskirts <3
I have been so grateful to be getting AMAZING chiropractic care at Chiropractic House of Vitality in Suttons Bay up here on the peninsula. Katie and Koty are such soft amazing people, and I am finding slow recovery and relief in my spine pain. They have created so much space for me to talk about my relationships, gender, body pain, grief, and how it all mixes together. If you are up this way I highly recommend.
I loved this Top Surgery recovery video by Col and Ari
Tove Lo <3
Next on my reading list : Floor Sample by Julia Cameron
I just re-listened to Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and I love when she says : I never promised the Universe I would be a great writer, I just promised I would be a writer
A portion of July’s paid subscriptions goes towards The Fountain Street Church Choice Fund
⌇⋰ Website
⌇⋰ Email : info@marleegrace.space or respond to this email
⌇⋰ Mailing Address : PO Box 909 Northport, MI 49670
