Dec. 6, 2021, 2:22 p.m.
Not paying attention with purpose
Or how I didn't try to weave every moment into my work
Monday Monday
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After I taught Newsletter Class and told everyone about building the container this container started to feel so stifling. What if an essay doesn’t emerge? Does that mean I am not practicing enough, out of tune with god, simply being a brat and not showing up for my job?
Here are some lists that are not hyperlinked and I trust you to use google and fill in the blanks
What I Watched :
Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt - the1989 American documentary film that tells the story of the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt
Crip Camp : A Disability Revolution
Coming Out Colton : I know we can hate this I really know all the reasons I absolutely promise you I know every single one. And today I choose to love watching even one single person decide not to kill themselves and come out instead. Harm done, clunky accountability, out out out of the closets that kill us over and over again may it be so, may one fucking NFL player watch this and know he’s a raging homo too
A Million Little Things : It’s what I watch in the bath to feel as little as possible and it works every time
What I read :
This Long Thread by Jen Hewett
When we Rise : My Life in the Movement by Cleve Jones
Living Wicca : A Further Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham
Finding Water by Julia Cameron
Things I did :
Hiked with Ali and went to Ritual Craft
Brought Jess juice at Matter
Went dancing
Made nettle infusions
Set up a credenza and installed a blind with Jackie, tasks that will test you
Celebrated Cindy’s 4 years of sobriety
Watched Cindy preach about Mary Magdalene at church and cried my eyes out
Talked to new friends around a fire and felt like wow, we made it to our new place, we are so loved, what a gift
Had leah over so she could go through my clothes
I think I just can’t believe I live where my friends live and I even run into them on the street and this surprise is the surprise I live for
Things I felt feelings about :
Sadness around not dancing or performing (Here is me and Mary in 2017)
Wanting to teach dance class
The loneliness of my efforts not being considered
My reaction to the above
Crying in a bathroom stall at a text I got from someone I wanted to be nourished by but wasn’t
The joy of watching Brooke’s daughter in the nutcracker as a mouse and crying thinking about snow scene when the fake snow falls and the choir starts and how I don’t think in that moment I knew what I was feeling was god
The overwhelm of hundreds of lesbians in a bar dancing and the nuance and discomfort of the continued realities of covid
What I thought about :
Parts work and naming all my parts and that is probably why I have no essay because I have been extremely busy building the IFS committee and helping nine year old Marlee build out her filing system
Cody, the name I would have had if I was born a “boy” and how much I dress like Cody and feel like Cody and I got a necklace that says Cody
How much I don’t want to process being IN relationship with the people closest to me I just want to BE in relationship with the people closest to me
How proud of Jackie I am for starting grad school in a few weeks also she made the most beautiful blanket drawings which you should buy
Classes I signed up for :
Level 1 ASL at the Sign Language Center (shout out to Kimberly Drew for sharing and encouraging me!)
Digital Altars with Holisticism
Things I want to know :
All the places and museums and best hikes in Denver which I asked the social media hive and the answers are so amazing and I will share them
How do you call people back?
How do you say I miss you and feel guilty for being far away but also being far away from everyone feels so good?
Why is nothing consistent? Or is that what is consistent, nothingness
Things I am looking forward to :
Chloe visiting
Ellen visiting
Our new duvet cover arriving
Hanging our art on the walls
Getting plants
Going to the Quilt Museum in Golden
Going to the Black American West Museum a few blocks from our house
Going to a wedding
Going to a hockey game
I really enjoyed two weeks where I never thought about how to weave my life into my newsletter. I’ll stay with that and see where it takes me
There are quite literally 3 spots left in Saturday and Thursday’s classes and so we added a Tuesday class - wild wild three whole sessions
Lucky us Christi Johnson guest teaches the first week in ALL THREE SESSIONS and more special guests along the way - the greatest place on the internet to be
Perhaps give the gift of MONDAY MONDAY / YES YES to a friend this holiday season - your subscriptions mean the world to me because I love to write and I love my job and I love to share with you
Many Blessings that is the good word today
Marlee
I leave you with this prayer
QUIET ECLIPSE 🌖🤍🪄
🕑 May the consistency of time’s promise not surprise us as the darkness prevails
💭 May we suddenly know what we’ve been tirelessly integrating
🕳 May we keep our eyes open in the darkness in an effort to see for the benefit of all
🎢 May we fuck off and not take ourselves so seriously as a spell for presence
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