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As the year comes to a close, as the days get relentlessly short, I turn towards overthinking. I turn towards the miracle of surviving the month of January. I turn towards wondering if I did it right. I turn towards the curiosity of newness. I turn towards the gratitude of a new home.
I turn towards my real life on Earth which pulls me away from the screen. I can’t seem to text anyone back or make plans. I can’t seem to open the book proposal back up or answer an email. I can’t seem to balance the books or talk to the financial advisor I hired. I decided no more quilt class after January but I don’t know whats next yet. I usually am not scared of where money will come from but something about a mortgage alone will really spark a fear flame.
In this moment of judging myself and my capacity I pause to see what is true.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. This past week I hosted Bobby and Laur who helped me mount the TV, put couches together, build my bed frame, start the fire every morning, turn on the coffee pot, snuggle with June, have a gay tattoo night, walk the trails, cry at the lake, hunt for rocks, pick the right light bulbs, put together a desk.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. When I opened my eyes after surgery it wasn’t a partner I saw it was Chloe, who has loved me and held me and tattooed me and taken every picture and kissed my face and brought me juice when I was a bitch on pain killers.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. When Ellen needed a moment to recharge she drove up to my house and pulled the chairs in front of the wood stove where they should have been the whole time and I kept thinking - I can’t believe I get to love this person, more than ever.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. Jes and Zoe wipe my tears and keep me whole and we can go through the big waves and always come back because in a small town all we know how to do is ride them.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. Lukaza checks on me every other day and we show each other exactly how bright we can be, no shortage of care packages, no shortages of wanting to be better for the whole world.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. I find Casey and Kev at the entry of the restaurant with the kids and I hold Mar Jr and tell her I miss her and she whispers, I missed you more. Get a friend who is nine and shares a name, it will make you better.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. Izzy makes sweeping sounds while I spin around them with my body as we have done for years and years.
I have been solo all year but I have done nothing alone. Every moment of my life I have been completely surrounded by love, by queer family. Jade Facetimes me between every walk, between every big decision. Dressed my physical and emotional wounds, makes sure I don’t die and take my meds, no love better. We get on a zoom with Ryan, we laugh, we tease, we are a family.
Platonic is hardly the right word for this level of romance and holding.
For this level of care and expansion.
There is no greater gift than to walk through the world in holy matrimony with queerness
My gender, my sexuality, my language of seeing the world is no longer dictated by partnership or what other people think of me. The year of solitude and shifting roots me in myself, scrappy and unavailable, hopeful and open, willing to have my needs met. Willing to wonder. Willing to say yes.
May the protection of queer family surround you, limitless yes
I am not even sure what I paid attention to this week that wasn't right in front of me. We watched Philadelphia and I cried very hard at the end. I had a beautiful day with Anna taking pictures. I went to the Pistons game last night and we lost but I had so much fun. I love basketball and I love LeBron and when he makes a basket right in front of my eyes there is just nothing in the world like that. I love Michigan more than ever. I can’t believe June loves me as much as she does. I can’t stop crying today I think I just feel so lucky to be alive and so loved!
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