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Since the day I was born I have been rehearsing outcomes. In the womb I had a master plan to slip quietly down the birth canal emerging as a fresh perfect little guy into the world of serenity, prepared for skin to skin contact. The outcome as has been told to me was that I was upside down, ass up, folded in half with my legs splayed open and had to get sliced out, my little butt nicked by scalpel, rushed to get some oxygen, and then my mom vomited everywhere. My first story of showing and already a baby fresh out of the womb thought - I guess I didn’t really nail the landing. Perfectionism from the moment I arrive screaming and gasping for air.
When I’m starting to tell the story of how the outcome will be I know I’ve jumped too far ahead in the process of showing up. I know when I think I know how something ends I’m playing god and the reason that sucks is because god is usually way smarter than me. In Angeles Arrien’s book The Four Fold Way she offers us the four ways of the Visionary, Warrior, Healer, and Teacher which are :
Show up, and choose to be present
Pay attention to what has heart and meaning
Tell the truth without fear of blame or judgement
And don’t be attached to the outcome
Sometimes I have a hunch or I am psychic or I have seen a thing happen enough times or I have noticed enough details and gathered enough information to say - sure, I knew how this was going to go. And just because you know how one thing is going to go does not mean you know how the whole thing is going to go.
Something my best friend Katie always reminds me to do is to zoom out, particularly in a romantic relationship. This is something I do in my current partnership when I am too zoomed in on a specific conflict or discomfort, zoom up to zoom out - what is the goal for the quality of this relationship and what can we shift to fit the zoom out. The zoom out helps us stay in long term commitment rather than short term fear.
When I am quilting I am almost alway stressed at some point about how it is going to turn out. I have never once been stressed about how a dance will turn out. It always turns out exactly right. I have been disappointed about how one quilt turned out because I rushed the landing but making a quilt is just as much about giving a quilt and the giving of this particular quilt went well. I wonder if this is about practice, or perhaps patience, or if I am in or out of my body.
Being addicted to predicting outcomes reminds me a lot of my alcoholism and the age old phrase about the number of drinks I can have : one is too many and one hundred is never enough. If I pick up one outcome I am bound to pick up another. And another, and another. Until I am literally destroyed and exhausted on my nervous system is depleted. I’m blacked out on outcomes. No first outcome no matter what.
The question then rests in : how do we stop rehearsing outcomes, have complete faith that everything is unfolding exactly as it should, and live in the present? I have no idea HAHAHAHAH ok jk I have a few ideas.
In my outcome rehearsing the past week I had to rely on spiritual practices and service only. You may have noticed Monday Monday did not drop in your inbox last week and today is … Tuesday. While I deeply believe in discipline and commitment I also believe in devotion. And what I have been devoted to is not looking at my work. I think people are often like - wow, must be nice. Remember you don’t know my expenses, what’s in my bank account, or what my spending behavior is like. Anyone on the outside surely could have said - wow you should really think about earning this week!
Something in me knew to trust that if I went towards my work, towards making art, towards earning - I might not really dig into the heart of WHY I was rehearsing so many outcomes. I took a break from public facing, dug into my work and my questions and turning things over left and right, and it worked.
When I say it worked it means I have died 100 deaths in the last 3 weeks and I continue to be reborn like the meadow that burns to the ground for new growth. Today my partner grabbed our most precious things from our house to get away from the flames, something she already knows how to do so well. I keep finding the sparkle within all the people I love has nothing to do with what they do, or what their outcomes are. It’s how they don’t do the work, how they prioritize the patience of grabbing the most valuable parts of us, sometimes in objects sometimes in essence.
The world, in all its inner and outer chaos, rages on. And the more I think I know what is happening, the less I do. The less I can be delighted, renewed, and surprised by what spirit has in store. Maybe it’s not so bad to emerge into the world like a tornado and proceed anyways. Its miracles and mysteries only, no in between. Either the attention is so specific we can’t look away from constant enchantment - or we are buried in the mystery, the sweet unknown honey of not knowing what’s next. What a gift to have no control.
Jackie Barry my favorite wild land firefighter / person and Jade Forrest Marks my favorite herbalist / freak are teaching a BEAUTIFUL class together online on Sunday September 12 - FIRE SEASON : Wildfire 101 + Herbal Support for Fire Season
Reading : W.E.B. Du Bois’s Data Portraits : Visualizing Black America
Listening : Becoming Safely Embodied
Two person dance parties on the balcony at sunset with a charcuterie spread
Want to be a part of the next GROUP QUILT RAFFLE : read more + sign up here
Feeling blessed to watch my friends expand beyond belief, like seeing TER’s Pattern at Target
Justin Bieber’s SNL performance of Intentions : the dancing is perfect 4 me
Instead of annihilating the parts of me I hate and think are bad my therapist is making me talk to them while I punch the air while I hold weights I think it’s working
Writing my newsletter even when it’s late
Everything Annika Hansteen-Izora blesses us with especially this series
Many Blessings
⌇⋰Quilt Class : October registration is open
⌇⋰ email : info@marleegrace.space