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Today I’ll come out of retirement from writing about love. I’ll write about how the void almost took me out but not for long this time. I’ll write about how retirement is a way to pay very close attention, to attune to what is in front of you and not the projection of what you hoped for, and how leaving before it burns down saves you from complete destruction.
In the tower card in the tarot you see the people jumping from the burning building. They don’t wait to die with the crumbling infrastructure, they take to the air and plummet into the unknown, unwilling to be struck by the flames lapping at their feet as the lighting strikes.
At the end of 2021 I lost my mind after I stayed too long with love. I was prepared to go down with the storm. While I am a believer in everything being on time I also watched my mental health get to a point that was completely endangering my sobriety and continued time on Earth. That is what staying too long looks like and I made an unbreakable vow to myself that I would never stay too long again.
This commitment requires incredible levels of self knowledge. It requires building a ladder with rungs built to hold my deepest shadows, my endless desires, and my fruitful hopes and dreams. A vow of great importance to never break. So when I started running out of ideas, felt my anxiety grow to new heights, and noticed the ebb of secure attachment fade I knew it was time to come back to myself, alone on the shore, in the car, in the city, in the big open world.
By not writing about the love I had and the love I felt I was never confused about what was real and what was for the public eye. I never conflated passion with fact or lust with love. This is the result of continued dedication to healing codependency. I let a slow burn burn slowly and for this I learned that I can stay in my own life and honor another’s. And when the burn started to flicker and the team couldn’t come together to bring the ball to the basket I knew it was time to lace up my shoes and find a new court. One I could practice on all my own.
I have always been willing to work at love. To great lengths I will go to fall deeper and let the vines climb the tower before we jump out. The leaves sweep through the windows and the stories of concrete to form an everlasting connection, and yet to be met with this same fervor is no easy feat. To find the middle path between love addiction and having a cracked open heart has taken steady focused work. To see the difference has brought me to my knees. And from my knees I rise knowing exactly what I need and deserve to be lit up inside my spirit. To be set free can be done in partnership or alone, but it must not be stifled by a blocked heart.
You can jump out when the lightning strikes, you don’t have to wait for the thing to go into the ground. The unchosen realm of love doesn’t have to last any longer than you want it to. The effort put in must be met, the effort must be matched, the effort must be celebrated. There will be seasons, there will be cracks in the foundation, but the laying of the bricks must be done in unison, solos taken in collaboration.
May the leap from the top be swift.
I watched White Men Can’t Jump for the first time and I loved the basketball and the style but I especially loved when Gloria explains to Billy that when she says she is thirsty she doesn’t want him to bring her a cup of water, she wants connection and empathy around her thirst - watching this I nervously laughed at it’s seeming absurdity, knowing it is exactly how I want love to feel.
I said I was thirsty. I didn't want a glass of water. I wanted empathy. I wanted you to say I know what it's like to be thirsty.
I am reading A History of My Brief Body by Billy-Ray Belcourt and it is one of my favorite books I have ever read. Truly devouring and dripping on every sentence! I feel like it’s restoring some of my hope in finding joy in the world.
This on repeat
I have been working with Kim Krans Archetypes Deck and it’s really powerful. I got mine at 27th Letter Books in Detroit.
The Artist Way Book Study carries on - we are reading Week Nine this week but there is so much you can catch up on, watch the recording of our meet up which was like a spiritual artist recovery meeting, and join the discord for connection
Week Eight : Recovering a Sense of Strength
The Artist's Way Book Study
There is a Sheryl song for every breakup
New York Residents - check this out! The Workspace Artists-in-Residence program is geared towards early and mid career artists who are coming from any disciplinary background who are looking to explore the book arts. The purpose of the Book Artist Residency is to fortify the practice of early and mid career artists working within the book arts.
This design makes me happy from the Trisha Brown archive
I START COLLEGE A WEEK FROM TODAY! Next week I begin my studies with The University of Nebraska’s Quilt Studies program! This is my text book :) I just ordered it. I feel so EXCITED! Are you ready for A Quilt is Something Human to come back? I am! Details coming soon
book UNTIL TENDER is available for pre order and comes out August 28!! Sam started as a Creative Advising client in 2018, has been a regular student of mine, and someone who I have come to be inspired by as a peer and gender kin. Sam’s writing about love, queerness, food, hope, family, and so much more speaks directly to my heart. I can’t wait for everyone to have this book, like the warm soup they love to make - it will be sure to nourish you and help you feel less alone.
