Dear reader,
Today I am so sore from a fun adventure through the woods on the XC Skis I inherited from my friend Meg and poles from my friend Lisa. Skiing with people who are faster than you means you get really sore trying to keep up and also spend a lot of time alone in your thoughts lost in the woods. At one point as I lay alone in the middle of the trail, my friends ahead of me, I thought of the old saying if a tree falls alone in the forest does it even make a freaking sound.
One of the times I fell I yelled like an animal in distress, not because I hurt myself, but because being a beginner in front of other people is such a vulnerable frustrating thing. I wasn’t even mad I couldn’t get up the hill, I just felt so exposed being witnessed in my discomfort.
It is safe to be bad at things. I learn this slowly but with great dedication. It has not always been safe for little Cody to mess up, to not be the best, to be falling behind. I have taken up a few things in my 30’s that have helped me push my physical limits and therefore also test my mental limits.
The first was skateboarding. In the Spring of 2019 I had moved in with my ex husband to run an artist residency in a mansion. It was a wild choice, one that solidified our vows in a new way, and a journey I will never forget. One of the most beautiful parts of our time together is John taught me how to skateboard.
I find that within partnership it is hard for me to humble myself to learn a new skill. I can’t imagine as his partner having trusted him enough to show me how to skateboard, especially because he is so good at it. But as his former spouse, roommate, and collaborator it was easeful and fun.
I felt this way on the XC ski trail a bit. With one of my closest friends at the helm, their partner and I slip sliding along, I trusted them to show me the way even if we got off trail, which we did indeed do.
Looking back I wish I would have trusted the process a little more, instead of feeling like great we’re lost and this is taking over two hours instead of one, like what a gift. What a gift to be “lost” in the safety of these woods we call home. What a gift to be lost with enough water and enough food and enough friends. What a gift to be lost even if my foot cramped so bad at one point my vision disappeared. Foot cramps … a crazy pain I can’t totally describe.
I couldn’t quite figure out how to get my glide to be consistent and a lot of my skiing was more of a shuffle. But perhaps this is how it always starts out, as a scoot and as a slide and as a fall and as a get your ass back up. I only had one scary fall where I fell on my arm the wrong way. It’s that split second moment where you can’t tell if you’ve just broken a limb in three places or will be in mild discomfort for two minutes. Luckily it was the latter and off I want.
Today I feel muscles in my body I truly didn’t know I had. Where my ribs are apparently there are muscles that I was using with my ski poles that I haven’t accessed in many years.
As I tip tap type each morning at 5:30am working on my next book I am using this same framework - it’s ok if this process of writing stretches weird creative muscles and is uncomfortable. It is the first draft.
In the first draft you are allowed to get lost, take a wrong turn, fall a lot, and yell out in frustration. It doesn’t make sense the first time because it is the first time. Even if you have walked the trail before, slapping on a pair of skis makes the whole thing new again.
Yes I have written books, but I have not written this book. This morning everything came together suddenly, a moment I have been waiting for. Where half of the chapter outlines are all erased and new ones take their place that make so much more sense with the flow of things.
Writing a book and navigating the ski loop are not that different. Though the muscles I am training are of a different variety, the frustrations and vulnerability of the first draft remain similar to those first few falls, figuring out how to go up the hill sideways, and floating over the exposed roots.
What a gift to be lost, to tend to the first draft, and to live to tell the tale.
My friend Geoff Holstad is hosting a sweet little sunset walk this Sunday January 12 at Palmer Woods Forest Reserve here on the Leelanau Peninsula. Would love if you joined us. Starts at 4pm and includes poetry and chaga. Here is the form to register.
Lately when I am writing I am rocking out to Bach’s Cello Suites
I had the most amazing astrology reading with Emily Hall. I have truly never had a reading so poetic, so intuitive, and so easy to understand. You can check out her newsletter here.
Dancing Through Prison Walls: Sustaining Resilience fundraiser is currently happening. Consider redistributing today to keep this amazing project alive.
This beautiful collection of reflections on 2024 made me weep, feel less alone, and become a subscriber to this newsletter by Sasha Frere-Jones (also hosted on Buttondown, like this newsletter!)
This week in Landscapes : Saturday the 11th Brandi Cheyenne Harper is hosting the BIPOC writers circle and Sunday the 12th our guest teacher is Jacqueline Suskin! Both events are recorded if you can’t make it live
Registration is open for my next class Mapping Your Creative Business January 18 + 19 with bonus Co-Working on the 22nd! I am SO EXCITED to teach this class and share the google sheets templates I have created for mapping out the year ahead.
I am just a few pages away from finishing the book Thirst by Heather “Anish” Anderson about how she set the overall FKT for the PCT. It’s a really beautiful story and has me inspired to be “more athletic” :)
In my money healing journey this is the first month EVER in twelve years of self employment I paid myself a proper and clear salary at the beginning of the month. I already have fear it is not repeatable but I am having faith! Excited to use YNAB in the way it was intended and not just for categorizing expenses.
Ok team - I left the iPhone world behind and got a hacked android called the Wisephone 2. It is the greatest choice I have ever made for my tech addiction. All questions welcome, will write more about it soon.
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Great post! Just what I needed to hear. 🥰