Oct. 11, 2021, 12:59 p.m.
It is by self forgetting that one finds
The gift of not remembering
Monday Monday
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Last night Jackie told me it would snow this morning and as I sit here writing it is indeed snowing. I am surprised, caught off guard by the snow covering the Earth. Even when I know something is going to happen, I am no more prepared.
I have become devoted to being a student of the mystery, to being captured by the unknown, to delight in having no idea what will happen any second from now. I do this not because I think it’s utopian or amusing, but because I so badly want to know what happens next with an unshakeable certainty that will keep me safe. This deceitful escape from reality keeps me frozen and unable to shift into devoted action.
The snow today is an impressive reminder. I knew it was coming. The person I trust most said - the snow is coming tomorrow. The person I trust most said - we love this, we love to be in snow and watch snow and play in snow. The person I trust most being willing to say - I will tell you exactly what is next and remind you why what is next thrills you.
And yet I still woke up in disbelief that it was happening. Consumed with fear that my toes would be too cold or that my skis really are too big and I’ll be too afraid to ski this season and everything is ruined. Quickly followed by the crushing disappointment that even when I know what’s next, there is no guarantee of what it means or what it will bring me to next.
My illusions of control are never put away forever, it is not a one time assignment. I tend to the daily requirement of surrender, reviewing where I tried to know what was next and accept that searching for the knowing never gave me pleasure, security, safety, or control.
What a bore. To wake up to my favorite thing and fear that everything is new too quickly. And what a gift. To know that even when I do know what is next, I don’t know what my experience will be. And that the knowing teaches me that not knowing is the easier, softer way. Not knowing invites me to be surprised. Not knowing illuminates the truth that I can trust when someone tells me what is next and not be afraid of it. I have no better security of experience WITH information than I do without it.
This continued forgetting feels like a curse, and like most curses it brings me closer to my truth.
In the final scene of the animated classic Fern Gully : The Last Rainforest, Crysta holds a seed in her hand and looks Zack straight in the eye and places the seed in his hands, wraps her hands around them both, and says : Remember Everything.
This is a tall order Crysta has given this trippy bro who just learned trees are sacred and is about to go back to the Earth realm. But she doesn’t say - remember everything and never forget it. She simply says - remember everything. And remembering is the forever calling.
It is with great skill, practice, patience, and self compassion that we must remember everything. It is in the remembering that we are brought to our knees, brought to our tools, to our fellows, our friends, our mentors, ancestors, rituals, flowers, guidance, literature, and more. That this relentless despair is not to be feared, but to be served with reverence and gratitude that we are called into our next phase.
For it is by self forgetting that one finds.
If we never had to remember we would never come back.
Fetch the Bolt Cutters - Fiona Apple
Started watching House of Secrets after reading Fariha’s newsletter
The pandemic reminded us we exist to do more than just work : The Future of Work Should Mean Working Less in the NYT
Golden Dome School Fall Fundraiser Gala and Raffle - win a 1:1 Creative Advising Session with me or one of so many other beautiful prizes when you buy a gala ticket. The whole gala schedule is amazing and inspiring and this mystic initiative continues to provide so much inspiration
On this Indigenous People’s day I am excited to share this paradigm shift - Governor Newsom has signed a law paving way for more prescribed burns, and more importantly for California’s Indigenous Fire Practitioners to be woven into a conversation and practice they have been historically excluded from.
This article in the LA times explains this in much more eloquent detail
Always more to do, more to pay attention to, and gratitude for new awareness.
Continued gratitude to Jackie Barry’s study and research of fire ecology and teachings over the ordinary love of morning cereal. And to Amanda Monthei for sharing <3
Photo by Jackie Barry Cultural Burning and the Art of Not Fighting Fire : another article to deepen our understanding
image by Alysha Beck/UC Davis Reading The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron (I am clearly just cycling through over here)
Quilt class students : I hang onto their every word, their every desire to know when to wash and when not to wash, the curiosity they bring to me. Blessed be the students as my teachers.
Chia Essence that was gifted to me by Liz Migliorelli, rooting me in the work today, giving up future projection. On a windowsill for months, calling out so clearly.
And the essence of Canyon Dudleya, from Flower Essence Services :
The ordinary brings order to my Life.
Practical living becomes spiritual practice.
I find radiance in the quiet sanctuary of my soul.
I become greater through embracing what is smaller.
The next issue of YES YES comes out this week, if you are a paid subscriber you can submit your questions in September’s YES YES. I look forward to going in to go out.
Many Blessings
