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I have recently become skilled at accepting my daily actions and habits. Refusing to name them as good or bad. The shortness of a walk. The microwave dinner. Watching as many episodes of TV in a row as I want. Enjoying my teaching practice and the classes I teach. Napping most days. Phone scrolling. Knitting, drawing, list making, writing, phone calls, staring at the water.
It is the things I do not do that haunt my soul. Turn me into a troll who lives under a bridge and is useless to the world. It is the feeling of uselessness that creates the truth of not being of use.
The hike I didn’t go on, the text I have not returned, the book I haven’t written, the fabric scraps that aren’t sewn together, the laundry that isn’t done, the dishes that aren’t washed, the exercise video I haven’t watched, the documentary I have been meaning to hit play on, the book I haven’t opened.
I’m not sure what this is called. Not doing enoughness? Always thinking I could be doing more, also know as the Virgo Rising curse? Ah yes, the perils of living in capitalism? The essence of “productivity hacks and work work work mentality we could all always be better” feeling?
I don’t know WHAT THIS IS but I am ready to have it lifted. I am ready to celebrate every single thing I DID NOT do today because here is the twist - I am paying IMMACULATE ATTENTION to everything I am doing. I am treating my days with a holy reverence, even in a season of depression and grief and endless uncertainty there is an enjoyment to choosing what I do and my silly little tasks every day.
One walk along the shore and I say YES look at me walking like the little guy I am along the shore go go go. Ten minutes later I’m like, well but I didn’t meditate. I should have meditated for ten minutes.
I never meditate but I always think I should. People say it does wonders for them and I am just like yah yah but look at the other things I like doing. Yet every day of my life - LITERALLY EVERY DAY - I go to bed thinking, damn I should have tried being a person who meditated today.
FUCK THAT. LITERALLY FUCK THAT. Ugh I am so bored from being an ass to myself every day because I didn’t do a thing I don’t do! I don’t meditate OK. I DO NOT MEDITATE. I DO NOT SIT IN SILENCE AND WATCH MY THOUGHTS GO BY LIKE LITTLE FUCKING CLOUDS.
You know what I do do? Walk, be an excellent neighbor, a loyal friend, a skilled facilitator, a hell of a dog parent, a morning pages devotee, a tornado person who somehow manages to stay sober everyday.
You know what else I haven’t done in months - COOK! I DON’T FUCKING COOK BECAUSE IT IS TOO SAD TO COOK! So you know what I do - I order really healthy beautiful frozen bowls of food that get delivered to my house and heat them in a MICROWAVE. That’s right - A MICROWAVE! And then I eat them and feel SO NOURISHED and I don’t feel bad about it!
I also eat a cosmic brownie every day between noon and 2pm
I can already feel the part of myself that is like well, I COULD start meditating maybe some of you have ideas for how I could start. NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! DO NOT TELL ME!
Today I will be glad for all the things I get to do, and will spend zero seconds thinking of all the things I could be doing differently. May you be blessed with the same FUCK THAT mentality to whatever task has been promised to you as the solution.
Listened to Jess Bailey of Public Library Quilts on Zak Foster’s podcast while I did laundry at the laundromat yesterday
Started watching the show 9-1-1 and it’s going well for me (great for fans of Station 19, ER, Greys Anatomy, things that make you feel safe inside cuz the plot tracks at the same pace every god damn episode!)
Really into the podcast Quitted and hearing Elizabeth Gilbert talk about her three year sabbatical from dating and sex - Holly and Emily are amazing interviewers - def recommend
Another thing I used to not really do was have a news source separate from social media or the occasional New York Times headline but now I listen to this and I like it
I just ordered Melisaa Febos’ new book Body Work
Here is the playlist from Saturday’s dance class which was UNBELIEVABLY FUN if you care to listen
Thank you to my friend Allison Crutchfield for texting me this
The snow drift fence came down yesterday and it was orange and really blocked the view of the water and it looks much nicer now
The discomfort of feeling less guilty for feeling good
Jamila Reddy’s Lifestyle design class begins April 22 - Check it out
xo mar
A portion of April’s paid subscriptions goes towards Transgender Education Network of Texas
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