Friendships on the rocks, house buying regret, and caring for loved ones in the throes of addiction

Welcome to Yes Yes, my monthly advice column. I am writing to you from Detroit, MI where the snow is melting and Spring is in the air. Except for it is so so cold still, that part of Spring is not in the air. On my walk yesterday I saw a flower. That felt hopeful.

The audio version of Yes Yes can be found at the bottom of this post

I find myself in new efforts of my creativity, basking in the glow of new things coming. I find myself knowing what needs to come through, even if others don’t understand it. I find myself trusting myself.

In today’s advice column we cover :

🪐WHEN MULTIPLE FRIENDSHIPS END : ARE YOU THE PROBLEM?

🫧 NAVIGATING LOVED ONES WHO ARE IN THE MIDST OF ACTIVE ADDICTION : HOW TO CREATE BOUNDARIES AND ALSO EXTEND CARE

🪴BUYING A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS AND BEING FILLED WITH REGRET : HOW TO LEAN IN AND LOVE THE CHAPTER ANYWAYS

A portion of March’s paid subscriptions goes towards the Forest Justice Defense Fund, the broad coalition dedicated to saving the Atlanta Forest

I am not a therapist and I have no training in advice giving. I am an artist, a writer, and a teacher of creative practice with a devotion to how we live. These are my opinions, my best shot at hope, and what I know from 34 years on the planet. As always, may you hold a gentle spirit while reading, take what you like, and leave the rest. Let’s dive in!

For our first reader’s question I just want to say : you are and you are not the problem. More importantly, friendships ending does not mean there is something wrong with you or them.

🟡 READER QUESTION : I feel like all of my relationships are on the rocks. some old friendships feel competitive and passive aggressive. another tight-knit group from school seems to be moving on without me (creating group threads i'm not on, making plans without me, etc.). others, i value a lot but i worry i'm not that important to them. it hurts. i've been weighing letting go of some of these relationships, but i worry about ending up alone and friendless. i wonder if i'm the problem and if there's something i can do differently to save these relationships. or if i cut ties, how do you start over and build new friendships from scratch? i'm very comfortable on my own but i crave fulfilling friend love.

🟥 MAR’S ADVICE : I’d love to start by reflecting your thoughtful nature back to you. So many people are not willing to look at their own patterns and habits in the mirror with an openness to shift them. You clearly have the ability to name something that is bothering you, but be open to noticing the parts of it that may be because of the way you are or something you did - this is brave work! Good job.

That being said - It might be you, but it doesn’t mean THE PROBLEM is you. It might mean that you are slowly getting to know yourself, your worth, and your needs more clearly. This lets you define who and what kinds of relationships work for you, and which ones don’t. If friends are breaking up with you first, it might mean you haven’t completely identified these needs for yourself yet, so it just feels like you are getting dumped left and right.

I definitely have experienced more than one breakup close to each other before and it can be disorienting and really get in my head like - this is the proof I was looking for : I am unworthy of care and love! When really what was happening was I was growing, or the friend was growing, into a new version of ourselves that no longer worked for the other person, and thats ok!

We of course see this accepted and nurtured all the time in romantic relationships, we forget that friend breakups are just as natural or normal. Whether it is time to take a pause in a friendship, a break, or a full on breakup - it doesn't have to mean there is a problem. Just an acceptance for a renegotiation of how space and time is shared.

That being said, lets get you some new friends! Or nourish the ones who are already there. I went through a friend breakup this year that was so scary and I saw the ways I had become codependent with that friend. Before the breakup I thought - my life would be miserable without them! When in reality, the friendship wasn’t nourishing me. Once that space was freed up - I looked around to see I had so many friends who WERE in alignment with me waiting in the wings.

Often when a friendship is no longer working it can distract us from other relationships that are worthy of our attention.

Write down three friends, in person or far away, who you could reach out to this week. Ask them how they are. Maybe it’s even a friend who you owe an amends to or had some distance from. You are allowed to ask if they have the space to reconnect. And if they don’t - that’s ok! What a gift they are being honest with you. Just like the friends being on threads without you - this is just an indicator you aren’t the right person for THEM anymore, but you are SO the right person for someone else.

Many Blessings

🟡 READER QUESTION: My sibling is currently coming to terms with his alcohol addiction. He’s had a few emergencies in recent months, including two drunk driving incidents. He goes to AA and meets with a therapist weekly, but is struggling to remain sober. He lives with my parents, who are supporting him, but they are at a loss as to what to do and are hurt by his continued deception and lies. I live in another state and feel far away from the situation leaving me unsure of how to support everyone or what my role could be. I understand that he is in immense pain and drinking is a way to cope with his experience of being alive. We are not close and never have been, however we are both sensitive and artistic people. I’m really scared for him. He’s a beautiful person who deserves to feel safe in his body and in the world. How can I support him? How do I come to terms with his addiction? Create healthy boundaries? Anything you can share is so very welcome. Thank you.

🟥 MAR’S ADVICE : Thank you for this beautiful and raw question. I know how painful it feels to be far away from family while they are struggling, this can really heighten any feelings of grief. However, I have also found that that sort of space can help clarify what is my side of the street and what is theirs, and there are many ways to be helpful from afar, especially in the digital age.

The most important thing you can do to help your brother is to care for yourself. I think it feels backwards to most of us. We want to solve, fix, and guide the people we love into health. But we can’t do that, especially if they aren’t asking for it. Pay attention to what he IS asking for. Maybe that is talking on the phone once a week, texting funny memes, listening to the same podcast once a week and texting about it. This is perhaps too much intimacy in his current state or the level of your closeness, but examples of how to just be present with someone - regardless of if they are drinking or not.

In anonymous 12 step rooms you hear : Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. While this may be too simple some of the time, I see this as a tool for coming to terms with his alcoholism. It just is. It is just there. And thats ok! Even in the great pain and fear, it is ok. My biggest advice is - don’t make your life smaller because of his suffering. If anything, make it bigger. So that if someday he is really ready to get sober or be close to you, you will be resourced and available for connection.

As for boundaries, just know its ok not to interact with someone while they’re using. You don’t have to pick up the phone, answer drunk texts, or be available to someone who is in that state. Period. This is loving detachment and self protection. We can’t save people and that is ok. We can love them from a distance while we practice loving ourselves.

My most important tool around this topic is Al Anon meetings and Melody Beattie literature - both of which center around finding other people going through the same thing. You are not alone, so many other people have walked through this and found ways to not let it consume their whole life.

I write a lot about caring for ourselves in the midst of loving alcoholics and chaotic people in Getting to Center and in many issues of this newsletter. I find writing about it helps me connect with other people as well.

Many Blessings

🟡 READER QUESTION : Hi marlee! long time fan of all you do, and particularly love your musings on Home. which leads me to my advice inquiry... how to learn to love a home you hate? how to live lightly when immense regret feels so heavy? my partner and i recently moved from california back to the midwest – where we’re originally from – with the intent to own a home and start a family near our families. i absolutely acknowedge our privilege to pursue homeownership, and it feels so wrong to be anything but grateful, but the house-hunting process was awful for us, and many (many, many) offers later we ended up with a house we don’t really love, in the suburbs vs. the city which we initially hoped to live in. every day, we wake up and feel crushed by regret. the house feels like the most major, most expensive, most permanent mistake we've ever made. had we known where we’d end up, we would have never left the west coast. also, we both work from home, so it’s a lot of time here. and on top of that, i have had 2 miscarriages since we moved in last spring. it feels like we’re stuck in a purgatory of our own design, surrounded by young families and without any of the serotonin boosters we came to rely on in california – natural beauty, creative community, enriching programming for adults, opting out of drinking culture, progressive politics, etc. any suggestions for how to not be completely consumed with regret, and to lean in + love this new chapter? the weight of it all is taking a toll on my soul.

🟥 MAR’S ADVICE : Paint the kitchen! Plant flowers! Paint the whole outside of the house! Build beautiful altars on every single surface! Have sex all over the house in the middle of the day! Learn to bake bread even if you suck at it! Sell the fucking house! Or don’t! Get lawn chairs and sit in the front yard and count the birds! Get into board games together! Host zoom nights with your friends in California!

You are not doomed. You are however incredibly brave to write this question with such honesty. This is a lot. This is really big. Being in a place that isn’t bringing you joy plus the loss of what you thought would be a growing family, these are big heavy burdens to bear. And - you have each other, you have yourselves, and you have the whole world!

Something I often remind myself is not to gaslight myself with gratitude. It’s ok to be really sad. I want to tell you though - you can sell the house. You can get the fuck out of there. Permission granted! I have been married and divorced, moved to California and back to Michigan more than once, closed businesses, ended projects. Perhaps not as expensive as buying a house but - you are allowed to not live there. You are allowed to rent it out and move back to California. You just are! You don’t have to explain that shit to anyone!

My original list stands though. If selling it isn’t an option or moving again is just too much - make it magical. I sometimes feel lonely where I bought my home. I don’t have a ton of close community, but I am such a hermit! I FaceTime my far away friends most days, I hang out with my dog outside every day, I listen to podcasts, watch shows, listen to audiobooks or read, and do my little house projects! It keeps me great company.

I think when you zoom in it feels really painful, and it won’t forever. You got this.
Many Blessings

Thank you for reading today’s advice column. If you have questions for next time : submit them here

A portion of March’s paid subscriptions goes towards the Forest Justice Defense Fund, the broad coalition dedicated to saving the Atlanta Forest

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