Capitalism and Rescheduling

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Yesterday I made a decision to reschedule a live event, my From Discipline to Devotion workshop, the first time in my career I have ever done this. I have taught workshops and hosted live events and done artist talks with extreme spine pain, crippling migraines, endless grief, all sorts of ways of showing up in a zoom room or real room, I power through and I show up disregarding signals to possibly pause and pivot.

I am an avoider of tending to physical pain and challenging tasks, a defect I have worked tirelessly to have removed. But this much effort can wear a guy out so I’ve been giving it to god. This year more than ever I have gone so far beyond my limit of tending that it has both changed my life and left me a soft open shell. Leaning towards effortlessness.

The thing about my body is I don’t go to doctors. Not because I am anti doctor although I am naturally skeptical of the system. I am skeptical of most systems even a self checkout lane I’m like why exactly do we have those. But I recently made an amends that included writing a letter to myself where I apologized to my body for not taking it to a doctor. So naturally a week later higher power gave me the opportunity to choose between work and taking myself to a doctor.

There is something about going to a doctor where I am scared that means I am admitting something is wrong. Because walking up hill and feeling my heart doing flips and my vision getting blurry is simply normal and if I told a doctor THEN something would be wrong. The untrue stories I tell myself that it would be a burden to my partner or friends or family.

The good news is I went to a doctor. The good news is I prioritized my health at a critical moment instead of my work. The scary part is I almost didn’t.

I finished my powerpoint, tightened up the list making activities, felt so excited to host the space for the people. Saturday night I am explaining what is happening to my body to some friends who without blinking an eye were like - you need to reschedule this class and go to a doctor first thing in the morning.

Reschedule?! I can’t reschedule. I don’t reschedule classes or events. A coffee date or a 1:1 perhaps but a LIVE CLASS with an income stream I am depending on that is a NO sorry doesn’t really work for moi. People won’t respect me, I will appear unprofessional, everyone will want a refund and bills will be tight, I simply cannot reschedule.

This response humbled me to see that for as much as I facilitate other people’s experiences taking care of their bodies and minds before capitalism, I don’t actually have a lot of practice doing that for myself. My next thought was maybe I should read How to Not Always Be Working.

This desire to be perfect at being anti-perfectionist is a spiral I pray to have shifted. I had this idea in my head everyone would be mad at me. What if the opposite happened? What if everyone all of a sudden had a free Sunday morning to make pancakes and rest their own bodies. What if a few people sent emails saying they wanted a refund but can’t wait to join next class?

My outcome rehearsal continues to a distraction to my practice of presence. I go to worst outcomes and catastrophize something so that if the worst happens I can’t be hurt. What a hurdle to being in the phenomenon of life. I am also learning it’s ok to not trust people, places, or things and still be in serenity. It’s ok to be in the process of gathering information and not be confused. I cannot know everything, not fully trust the future, and still be in a surrendered state, free from hope and wishes, gliding along.

Did you sign up for class? Thank you. For those of you who asked for refunds they will be sent later today. For those of you who couldn’t make it yesterday but want to join us next Sunday, I’d love to have you. For those of you who have given yourself permission to go to doctors, who need doctors, who stay alive because of doctors, I love you. Also happy to report hundreds of dollars from class will be redistributed to Hurricane Ida Mutual Aid Assistance.

Here is your monthly reminder that people will HATE YOUR ART and you have to keep making it! Many blessings to Charlotte Cuck who also told me my narcissism has no bounds and commented on a picture of me and Jackie that it’s the kind of post you post right before you break up (I mean hell Charlotte I’ve gotta have SOMETHING to talk about in therapy) Sweet Charlotte! May you receive all the blessings of unconditional partnership, dancing everyday with no regard to what other people think of you, and being in the wild awe of being alive. And for those of you scared of being seen because someone will come for you, know that they just might! You get to keep beaming into everything, in fact it might beam back to those who need it most, the trolls themselves.

May we be in our own lives today, regardless of other people’s motives, hidden or clear. May we tend to the untendable. May we turn from capitalism and hustle culture and may we not be phased by the unphaseable.

1. For some reason for the last 31 years no one sat me down to say I needed to listen to Mazzy Star and I will never forgive my best friend, my girlfriend, my father, or my little brother for this but now I know and it’s all I listen to and here is this nice video for you

2. No spoilers please but The White Lotus wow

3. Me and Jackie are looking for a roommate for the month of October in our house in Carnelian Bay, CA

   A 15 min walk to Lake Tahoe and surrounded by trees and it is very pretty 

   Rent is $1750 and includes : Your own bedroom with a queen bed, desk, closet, and nightstand

   An open lofted studio / office area 

   And your own bedroom with a shower 

   Consider this a retreat! An opportunity to settle into a project! To spread out and dream and vision away from the place you usually live

   Perhaps you want to come for 2 weeks? We are open to splitting the time between two people but would prefer one for the month! Respond to this email or forward to a friend

4. AND a second housing vision - we are visioning a MOVE TO DENVER! The place we fell in love. After a few months of bouncing around we would love to settle into a nice rental and what do we love more than anything?! COMMUNITY LEADS - Maybe you own a house? Maybe your friend does? Maybe your neighbor wants to rent to us? 2 bedrooms! Fenced in yard! Dog friendly! I would also love an out of the house studio. MAY IT BE SO!

5. I’ve been paying a lot of attention to where I get information. News, cultural trends, where do you get information and do you have a ritual/practice around this?

6. Zak Foster makes a quilt for Asap Rocky at the Met Gala are you kidding me?

7. Young Lindsey my dear LJ blesses us with a new Snail Mail song and video

8. Want FREE ADVICE on devotion, discipline, hopelessness, and more - check out my story highlight to read all about it

9. THIS MONTH’S YES YES ADVICE COLUMN : Life falling apart at the seams, facing climate catastrophe in service and action instead of freeze, seven people who teach me to show up and shift the world, finding pleasure as the pandemic drags on, and more! When you become a paid subscriber you get this and September gets a bonus part two next week!

10. Not buying wifi on a flight and experiencing a winding down nervous system, channeling in the clouds, in the mystery

Many Blessings

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⌇⋰Quilt Class : October registration is open

⌇⋰ email : info@marleegrace.space

A portion of this month’s paid subscriptions goes towards Trans & Queer Youth Nola : Hurricane Ida Mutual Aid Assistance- as does 10% of From Discipline to Devotion