The cosmos are hanging on while the rain starts to freeze and the temperature drops. Blowing in the wind outside the window while I type I wonder what happens to them. Do all the petals fall off first? Do they all fall over? Why does Autumn have two names but no other season does? Two sunflowers came up and I cut one for the kitchen bouquet.
This is my last month of my first year here at the house, my last first time seeing how the plants change and become new and die and return to the Earth. Each year I am thrilled to do this same returning. I think Summer plays its cursed trick on me to speed me up when I want to go just as slow as October reminds me to.
Over the years and into my thirties I have become more and more of a hermit, requiring more alone time, recharge time, and distance between my calls and teaching.
I haven’t taken to it easily. I resist it at every corner, attempting to operate at full volume to keep up at the pace of capitalism, the pace of neurotypical expectations, the pace of other people, the pace of my old self. So far my resistance is null and I can’t keep up. The only answer is to surrender.
I ask myself - who would I be if it weren't for these self imposed rules? Who would I be in full acceptance of my desires and pace? Who would I be if I trusted people to be let down?
Just before the comforting pulse of surrender emerges - I beat myself up, try to push through migraines and chronic pain and just generally needing to take a beat. I sacrifice my needs hoping to meet the needs of others. It’s a form of people pleasing, I so desperately don’t want to disappoint people by not being able to hangout, be generous, get back to them in a timely manner. The time that someone else invented as courteous, respectful, and expected. The thought of someone being mad at me, disappointed by me, is crushing. My alone time and practice of spaciousness expands my capacity for handling this. We will disappoint people, separate from harm or punishment, we will not live up to what they wanted.
While I love to be thought of *cough* Venus in Gemini *cough* … I also love to not be thought of. I love to feel free of other people’s expectations of me. This is a dance, creating healthy boundaries and expectations in relationships while also releasing each other of things we didn’t sign up for.
In therapy we’ve been working on the theme of : choices and responsibility, mostly in terms of the self. Seeing everything I do as a series of choices - free of being good or bad. And within those choices where do I have responsibilities? To myself, others, the IRS, etc. This reframe has helped me with my self imposed timelines of trying to fit it all in that don’t seem to be working for me.
Perhaps this is the spinster season rising strong, shedding layers as the trees shed their leaves.
I’m learning not to just to accept and surrender to all of this, but to actually like that this is how I am. The part that protects my energy so that I may be of maximum availability to the people and causes that call for me. What if I loved this part of me that doesn’t have room for bit parts or side stories. Main events and full picture, I run to my front door and say, thank you god for another day in my home. Thank you for giving me a space to be tucked away. May this blessing ripple out into everything it may touch, and may I feel less and less guilt for the privilege to please other people less, and please my own days more.
Mother Country Radicals was one of the best and most inspiring podcasts I’ve ever listened to. In last week’s Friday Thread I opened up the conversation to see what stories, histories, books, podcasts, etc have radicalized you.
Lit the first fire of the season this morning and June couldn’t be happier
This song
is hosting Get Shit Done Club aka her co-working group starting October 23!
New Radiator Hospital EP
I succesfully removed this toilet with a wrench and will put a compost toilet in the camper! I have read extensively about the humanure process and can’t wait to compost our poop :) Thanks to everyone who sent recs and info and support! Had my first guests and the report is it’s incredibly cozy and fun! Will be even better when you can take a shit in the little closet bathroom!
I enjoyed this episode
On Indigenous People’s Day I invite you to join me in learning if where you live has a land tax, Indigenous Mutual Aid Fund, or other way to support Indigenous and First Nation sovereignty
Quilt class on Saturday was simply AMAZING! If you want to join there is another session that starts TOMORROW Tuesday October 10 and two more spots on Saturdays if you want to jump in and watch the past week’s recording! Every session is recorded <3 wrote this beautiful newsletter about how quilt class changed their life!
On the face, it was a class about quilting. In reality, it was a practice in wholeness. It felt like radical pedagogy. No undesirable part left behind. All skill sets welcomed. Mar teaches from an anti-perfectionist framework. There are no expectations around participation or project completion. You are free to do as little or as much as you feel called to do.
